Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Flavor of Love

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Everything in Its Place

Monday, January 09, 2006

I Am Going to Jail

Gay Mountain

Friday, January 06, 2006

Pepperz: Open for (Legal) Business!

Jack Abramoff's outfit this, Jack Abramoff's outfit that.

But what will happen to Signatures?

What Is the Deal, Ugandan Families?


(npr.org)


Analysis here.

A Three Act "Play" About Little Black Tank and the Stretching Machine

Act 1: There is a man at your gym who is built like a tank. Like a little black tank. When your gym was closed and you had to go to the gross musclehead gym that smelled like pit, he was there. You always notice him, not just because he is a Little Black Tank, but also because he seems to be a personal trainer for halfway house residents. Every time you see him he is working out with a different fat man. All of the fat men smell like cigarette smoke, and you swear the Mexican one he works out with sometimes is drunk. None of them appear employed or employable.

Act 2: read Act 2 here!

Buy More Worker #3116

What would really get 2006 off to a good start?

A Worker #3116 jingle!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Calling All You

Hi Princess,

Have you seen my new diary yet?

That's what I thought.

If You Need Immediate Assistance...

From: worker3116@gmail.com
To: god@heaven.com
Date: Jan 5, 2006 11:03 AM
Subject: I Am Bored


and depressed.
Please advise.


You are looking at this email and you are thinking "This is a stupid post. It is derivative and uninteresting and this diary in general is stupid, and Worker #3116 is stupid, and I always knew that and I am angry because 2006 sucks." I will not argue with you on any of these points. But here is the part that freaks me out: this email was not bounced back.

Are you logged-in God? It's me, Worker #3116, and you are creeping me the fuck out.

Remember that part in Bruce Almighty when Jim Carey is God instead of Morgan Freeman and then he logs into God's email because apparently in heaven all of your prayers are transferred into an html-ready rich-text email document?

Remember that part where I just admitted to having seen Bruce Almighty?

In Like a Pedro the Lion, Out Like a Band No One Ever Cared About


(pitchforkmedia.com)


HAHA. This is very reminiscent of the time that China Jet and I saw a listing in the paper for a Ray Bradbury book signing and were both surprised to learn that HE WASN'T ALREADY DEAD!

If a band splits up and nobody cares, were they ever together to begin with?

I'm sure that TW Walsh and David Bazan will both land safely on their feet writing the musical score for some Mel Gibson proselytizing Virgin Mary movie filmed in an archaic Hebraic dialect that even Jesus would have found hard to understand. Or they'll form Creed cover bands. Or they'll just keep doing what they've been doing: sucking.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Pump Up the New Diary

It is day two at the NEW DIARY and things are going pretty well. We are slowly debugging it and soon it will have very few bugs. Little ones that don't scare anyone where you talk to it like "hello, little bug, want to go outside?" but for computers.

Anyway, you guys need to start acting right and changing up your links and bookmarks and getting this going. What do you think this is? Some kind of joke? This is not any kind of joke. LINK IT UP.

Here is just another reason why the new diary is going to be so great! You need quicktime to understand this reason.

Anarchival

One of the biggest problems so far with the new diary is that I haven't figured out how to transfer all the old archived stuff from blogger. So that got me thinking about those apocryphal stories you hear of writers who burn the only copy of their treasured manuscript to try and get a fresh start. So I imagined pouring a stiff drink and throwing my computer onto a fire. But then I realized it would have to be my work computer. And I think I'd get in trouble for drinking on the job.

Boss: What the f?
Worker #3116: CLEAN SLATE!
Boss: How will you do your work?
Worker #3116: THE PAST IS AN ILLUSION!
Boss: Put out that fire!
Worker #3116: Why? Are you afraid of what the burning may reveal?
Boss: What are you talking about?
Worker #3116: THE TRUTH!
Boss: You're fired.
Worker #3116: YOU'RE FIRED!

Hopefully I'll be able to get those archives up here soon.

Hot This


(Washington Post)


Leaving aside for the moment the baseline utter ridiculousness of Hot Lists and the usage of Hot Lists to find the pulse of popular culture (whose heart, as of the last time we checked, was beating steadily to a diwali rhythm, or "riddim"), it is a very bad omen for the rest of 2006 if you are getting your style tips from the Washington Post. No offense, Froomkin. If you are using the Washington Post as your arbiter of cutting-edge trends-to-watch you're probably still into M.I.A. and Paper Denim! HAHAHAHAHA.

Read the rest of this entry...

New Year's Reznorlutions

Even if, like me, you think that New Year's resolutions are a lot of garbage cooked up by fitness clubs and self-help book publishers to squeeze the entire year's profitability into their Q1 financial reports, it's hard not to spend the first week of January thinking about the next 12 months. Have your priorities changed? What kind of actionable goals do you hope to achieve? Where do you see yourself next year at this time?

Then, on January 7th, you get a myspace friend request from this girl, and you think "Huh, maybe I do need to move down to Tampa Bay and unleash the bloodthirsty black demon of my soul unto the plane of mortals."

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Gucci Lip Gloss/Louis Vuitton/And the Boots from Batego Vanetto Cost a Arm

Top ten brands:

1. Mercedes-Benz
2. Nike
3. Cadillac
4. Bentley
5. Rolls-Royce
6. Hennessy
7. Chevrolet
8. Louis Vuitton/Cristal (tie)
10. AK-47
(cnn.com)

I was very glad this morning to find this list of 2005's top 10 name-dropped products in songs that hit the Billboard Top 20. You can learn a lot from a list like this, too, like that there aren't a lot of references to, say, Brawny brand paper-towels. Just like there aren't a lot of white people on the Billboard Top 20.

I am sorry to see Cadillac drop to number 3 (from a former status as number 1), especially because Nike? Kind of boring, rap. At least be specific, like "Nike Lime-Green Aquasocks" or something. Yes, in 2006 I would like to see "Nike Lime-Green Aquasocks" receive their proper status on this list.

The list also fails to take into account the prominence of generic brand luxury items, like gators and fo-fo's. Surely companies like CVS and Target can explain to you the highly-enticing economics of generic brand items.

Beretta fans will be happy to know that their handgun of choice has made it onto the extended list at #13, but before you get too excited Beretta Heads (that's what cutting edge market researchers call you), I'd like you to remember that Berettas are featured rather prominently in the R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet" Hip Hopera, and the brand could dramatically lose popularity as early as next year (Need I remind you what happened to Courvoisier after "Pass the Courvoisier" dropped from heavy rotation?)

All in all, though, it was a perfectly good year for product name-dropping. But you know what, rappers? You have a responsibility as role models to your primarily youthful audience. In 2006, let's see a few socially responsible brands make it up there. I'm not saying total overhaul of the tried-and-true favorites, but token gestures in popular culture can often have beneficial effects that far outweigh the time or effort put into making them. So, let's see Trojan brand spermicidal-lubricant condoms in the top 3, and Fair Trade coffee beans somewhere in there?

Word to your mom.

Don't Cry for Yulia, Ukraine



I don't know about you guys, since you're clearly not into girls, but when I saw this on the New York Times website I was like, "Why is she now leading a fight to bring that government down? WHO CARES? Do you have more pictures of this revolutionary FOX?"

The answer is mostly no.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Is it just me, or does it seem like it's been the holidays since, like, August? I can't even remember my life before the holidays or the anticipation of approaching holidays. It's going to take some serious readjustment. I've got the equivalent of the bends, but for holidays. Which explains all the puke and exploded joints.

Sean Lennon Update: Still Trimless in 2006

ALL you lonely hearts club members out there can stop asking us how to get in touch with Sean Lennon. Ever since PAGE SIX ran an item last week in which Lennon half-seriously complained he needs a girlfriend, we've been inundated with e-mails and phone calls from women desperate to date the singer/songwriter son of John Lennon. But while Sean tells us he's very flattered, he says it's unlikely he'll be answering any of the dozens of e-mails we have forwarded to him. Sorry, ladies!
(New York Post)

What a tease. This is confusing to me, though. Why would you publicly humiliate yourself on Page Six and then turn down all the free trim? At least get the free trim. In fact, that is my New Year's resolution: get the free trim.

We Are Going to Burn This Year to the Fucking Ground

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Byeeee, 2005.

Party Like It's April 29, 1992

There was a story on NPR last night about a brutal mob beating in Milwaukee. Basically, there was some party in the street and a guy honked to be let through and 30 people dragged him from his car and beat the shit out of him. It was reported that while the beating was taking place, MUSIC WAS TURNED UP.

I've never really been to Milwaukee, although I dated this girl for a little while whose sister was a second assistant cameraman on a really famous indie film called "No Sleep Til Madison." Anyway, for spring break of that year we went to Madison to visit her sister "on set" and then we flew to New York and then we broke up. But the more important part is that we rode through Milwaukee on a shuttle to the airport and I remember thinking that it looked really fun with all of the dirt and factories and raw sewage in the river and I actually thought about moving there for awhile. Now this story makes it into the national conscience and I'm thinking "Fuck, now it's going to be impossible to realize my dream because the yuppies are going to be all over this. Fucking gentrifiers." You know what else sucks? When the girl you're dating has a totally smoking older sister who's actually closer to you in age and is the second assistant cameraman on a really famous indie film called "Just Kidding No One Ever Saw No Sleep Til Madison."

I did like the part of the NPR story, as usual, where no one wanted to talk about the giant African-American elephant partying in the middle of the street and beating up a dude.

Return to ToonWorld1982 Lake

Earlier today, I wrote a post about the recent discovery of a co-worker's on-line romance-novel-in-progress. An anonymous commenter (my favorite fucking kind!) did some basic google research and then posted a link to the full novel in the comments section. Now, on the one hand, this was a gift, because it let me know that there was too strong of a chance for THE NEANDERTHAL-SLASH-DANIELLE-STEEL-WANNABE WHO CLIPS HIS NAILS IN HIS CUBICLE to discover my discovery, and I was able to take down the post before anything worse happened. On the other hand, something about this reminded me of the toonworld1982 fiasco.

DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU OF THE TOONWORLD1982 FIASCO?

Lunchtimeless

Worker #3116: OK, let's go.
Clown Coffee: Let's do this.
Worker #3116: Time to make lunch history.

Brush With Death

What I like about getting my teeth cleaned:

Clean teeth.

What I don't like about getting my teeth cleaned:

Talking about Santa Claus or hearing other people talking about Santa Claus.

When two idle dental hygienists were having a conversation about funny reactions that kids have to Santa Claus, how wonderful it is when kids believe in Santa Claus, and how to convince kids to keep believing in Santa Claus when they actually show a sign of intelligent life and deny his existence, my dental hygienist, who was not idle, could not help but stop doing her job every five seconds to join in. Then she tried to get me involved. "Do you remember when you stopped believing in Santa Claus? It must have occured to me gradually, because I don't remember being shocked or anything." The more boring the conversation, the more excited my hygienist was to participate. At one point, after they had moved from Santa to grocery stores to I do not know what, my hygienist dropped her tools and yelled out "Oh, I thought maybe you had watched something sad on T.V." I'll give them something sad to watch on T.V., but you won't be around to see it. Now pay attention to my teeth!

Then it was polish time. "What flavor do you want? We have mint, cinnamon, orange, bubble gum, tuna salad sandwich, BLT, raw dirt, seaweed, loneliness, cabbage, carrot, smoothie, superman flavored ice cream, cherry, did I say cinnamon?" Gross! Where did all these flavors of tooth polish come from? I am a grown man for Jesus Christ's sake! I have better things to do with my time and brain power than worry about what flavor of tooth polish to use. Superman Flavored Ice Cream, please!

Anyway, successful trip all around. I will see you again in two years, cavity creeps.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Still Waiting: Flying Cars in 2006

It is time for my predictions for 2006.

I predict:

What I Got I Got to Give It to Anthony Kiedis's Cousin

When I was younger I saw an MTV interview with Anthony Kiedis where he talked about how he loved taking risks, but that he was also a very sexual being*, and that if you asked him whether he'd rather jump out of an airplane or make out with his girlfriend on the couch he would have a very difficult time answering.

For some reason this has stayed with me, I guess because it is still fun, all these years later, to try and imagine someone saying "Well, let me ask you this: would you rather jump out of an airplane or make out with your girlfriend on the couch?" What kind of question is that? And how are those two even comparable? And why can't you do both? What, is your girlfriend going to dump you if you jump out of the plane? Your girlfriend is jealous of jumping? And why the specificity of the couch? You don't like to make out anywhere else? O' Anthony Kiedis, a man of mystery, whose every phrase raises many more questions than it answers.

Then, when I was fifteen, I was in Arizona and I tried to make out with a girl who claimed to be Anthony Kiedis's cousin. We got under a blanket on a couch, but I could not seal that deal. There was no Arizonafornication for me. But now that I think about it she was probably lying and wasn't even his cousin. She had a liar's eyes. Still, were you to ask me, back then or now, whether I would rather jump out of a plane or make out with Anthony Kiedis's 15 year-old cousin, I would not have Kiedis's difficulty in answering. Hello, couch, I hope you are ready for some abuse.

*I HATE the expression "sexual being" and anyone who uses it. What is wrong with you people (I'm talking to you, John Travolta)? It's very "the lady doth protest too much, methinks," with an undercurrent of an asshole who refers to themselves in the third person. To borrow a phrase, fuck it don't say it.

You Are or Are Not Going to Die This Winter

Can someone explain the whole bird flu preparedness issue to me? What...what is there to prepare for? Either bird flu comes and kills a bunch of us, or it doesn't come? I'm not really sure how stocking up on Constant Comment tea is going to change that. It's not like you're going to see brown-skinned bird flu on the subway carrying a suspicious looking package. Now, if the government was encouraging everyone to prepare for the psychological trauma of helplessly watching your loved ones die, and seeing huge regions of the world economically devastated by an uncontrollable disease, that's something I can get behind. But they're not saying that, are they? No. "Be prepared."

Prepare this, government.

Mystery Juice

SEAN Lennon is determined to kick off the New Year with a new girlfriend - and he's asking PAGE SIX to help him find one. "Any girl who is interested must simply be born female and between the ages of 18 and 45," John Lennon's singer/songwriter son, 30, told us. "They must have an IQ above 130 and they must be honest. They must not have any clinical, psychological disorders . . . and a kind heart. Clearly beautiful - but beauty on the inside is more important - but no deformities, third legs, fifth nipples . . . I'm completely alone and I'm completely miserable. So please send your request to [PAGE SIX]." Ladies, we await your responses.
(New York Post)

I had always kind of assumed that his ponytail and lack of personal style—not to mention his solo album: LOOK OUT JAMES IHA!—were the indicators of Sean Lennon's lack of class. But surprise! He's trawling for dates on Page Six, cashing in BIG on his footnote trivia-game-answer celebrity status. "Which of John Lennon's sons was trawling for dates on Page Six?" No, not Julien! I'm sure Yuka must be very proud to count Sean as one of her former paramours. She knows her chicken! Anyway, gross, Sean Lennon. Gross. There is no stinkier perfume than publicly declared desperation published in the yellow press. I am also kind of disturbed by the 18 to 45-year-old age bracket. "You must be old enough to vote, but not necessarily old enough to drink. But pre-menopausal is fine, too. I will fuck your vagina whether it is kind of new or kind of old. I'm not being picky here, okay, but if I find out you lied and you are 46 years old I am going to write an unflattering song about you and play it unannounced at an East Village location. I am so sad. I hope the world reads about my sadness. I suck. I am pathetic. I am a pathetic suck."

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Learning Is for Jews!


(cnn.com)


Is it just me, or is that little scholar wearing a yarmulke? And I have a follow-up:

Is it just me, or is that little Jew kind of young to be earning an advanced degree? And I have a follow-up:

What graduate program makes you come up in front of the class and write on a chalkboard?

Please Sir, May I Have No More

Despite what you may have heard, Jesus was not killed on a stone table by the White Witch as orcs and minotaurs looked on. So I don't buy all this Aslan=Jesus bullshit.

Show me where there is Turkish Delight in the bible!

But I'll tell you something else that makes me very angry: after Aslan comes back to life he explains that if an innocent soul is willingly killed on the stone table blah blah blah, then not even death can keep him from being alive. Or something. So that means that he knew he was going to be resurrected? SOME SACRIFICE!

Also: fat people, why do you love The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Boredrobe so much? Here is how fat the woman next to me at the movie was: she spent five minutes loudly futzing with the lid on her two-liter cup of soda so that she could EAT THE ICE.

God, I hated this movie so much. If this is really what Christianity is all about, I declare Jihad. LOTR will lay waste to the infidels.

The War on Christmas: Operation Late Gift

This was in my mailbox this morning:

"In Honor of [redacted company department name], a gift of love has been given in your name by [redacted co-worker's name].

May this gift of:
a sheep

bring you joy as it brings hope and nourishment to a family in need."

I like the please leave a message for Worker #3116 after the beep voice-over nature of the gift's reveal, but I also like that it will bring me joy as a poor family eats...a sheep? What? WHAT IS THIS CARD? THIS IS WHY I AM GOING TO CONTINUE FIGHTING CHRISTMAS IN THE OFF-SEASON.

Trendwatch 2005

I just got an email from Herb #3116 suggesting that we invite www.lasnightsparty.com to the New Year's Eve party. You know what that means: Herb #3116 just gave www.lastnightsparty.com the "I'm Rick James!" touch of death.

Look out, Cobrasnake! You're about to get on my stepdad's radar!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Out-of-Office Assistant

Worker #3116 will be out of the office from Fri. 12/23 until Tue. 12/27. If you need immediate assistance, please contact Santa at figmentofyourimagination@makebelieve.com.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Year in a Screamshell


(news.yahoo.com)


Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand hyperlinks.

Where Does He Get Such Wonderful Deltoids?

There is an article in today's New York Times about an intensive work-out program, CrossFit, that has a lot of doctors worried over its high potential for killing you. Needless to say, I find this work-out very appealing, and I have already visited the website to learn more. Seriously, here are just a few quotations that should make it obvious why this is something that I will be doing in 2006:

"I see pushing my body to the point where the muscles destroy themselves as a huge benefit of CrossFit."

"It can kill you. I've always been completely honest about that."

"If you find the notion of falling off the rings and breaking your neck so foreign to you, then we don't want you in our ranks."

The article points out that this workout program is particularly popular among ex-marines, former SWAT members, and cetra, but here is where I get stuck:

The emphasis is on speed and weight hoisted, not technique. And the importance placed on quantifiable results has attracted hard-charging people like hedge fund managers, former Olympians and scientists.

I'm only going to begrudgingly give you hedge fund managers. Those are mostly just assholes whose lack of ambition has pushed them into a highly lucrative but ultimately soul-killing line of work. They're not hard-driving so much as just driving for lack of a better idea. They live in Jersey, and they have nice cars and homes, but mostly their time is spent remembering the awesome threesomes they used to have in their frat house. But mindless drones can work very hard towards something like physical fitness because a) what else are they going to do with all that time before they die, and b) me look like magazine!

Former Olympians. Check.

Um...SCIENTISTS?

The thought of strong nerds is very funny. Basically I just imagine The Riddler doing 15 sets of 10 dead lifts and then going home to concoct an elaborate revenge against the guy who pantsed him in front of the whole school during his junior high production of Guys and Dolls.

The War on Christmas: Operation Fuck You Worker #3116

So I got to work today and what was sitting on my keyboard? A Christmas present from my boss? WOW!

A FIVE DOLLAR GIFT CARD TO STARBUCKS!

Look, I love my boss, okay, but what is this? Homeless people give each other better presents. Yesterday I saw a pair of running shoes in the garbage can in the locker room at my gym, and I was trying to figure out what would have to happen for me to refuse to even carry my running shoes home and throw them out there, or give them to charity, and I decided that if I had diarrhea in my shoes then I would just throw them away at the gym. Like, if you took off your shoes but then you realized you totally were going to have diarrhea that second and couldn't make it to the toilet so you just had it in your shoes. But actually if you took those shoes and washed the diarrhea off they would be more valuable than this "gift."

Worker #3116: Thanks, boss.
Boss: You're welcome. Get yourself a little coffee.
Worker #3116: Oh, I'm going to get a big one!
Boss: Right. A venti at least...

I highlight this conversation because it points out my boss's tacit understanding that, yes, she was giving me a large cup of coffee as a Christmas present. And a chocolate covered pretzel. You know, to represent the true dildo-y spirit of office Christmas.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Worker #3116's Top 2 Lists of 2005

Everyone is posting their Top 10 lists all over the internet. Well fuck that!

a) No one cares what you guys think.
b) 10? I don't need 10, I need two. If you give me a top two, I will listen. More than that and BORING.

Here is Worker #3116's Top 2 Lists of 2005

Top 2 Singles of 2005:

1. Black Eyed Peas - "Don't Phunk with My Heart"
2. Rob Thomas - "Lonely No More"

Top 2 Albums of 2005:

1. Black Eyed Peas - Monkey Business
2. Ashlee Simpson - I Am Me

Top 2 Movies of 2005:

1. National Treasure
2. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Top 2 Books of 2005:

1. The O'Reilly Factor for Kids
2. Girls in Pants: The Third Summer of the Sisterhood

Top 2 TV Shows of 2005:

1. The O'Reilly Factor
2. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

Top 2 Colors of 2005:

1. Forest Green
2. Light Green

Top 2 Insults of 2005:

1. You're a crap.
2. I hate that you're in my life.

What else do you want to know? I've got a Top 2 on every subject!

Futurelove

Worker #3116: I hate when you meet someone and you wish you could meet them, like, two years in the future, when they had their shit together. But it's too late, you've already met them.
Clown Coffee: Or 18 years later.
Worker #3116: Gross.

STEVENS SAY DRILL. NO MAKE STEVENS MAD! YOU NO LIKE STEVENS WHEN STEVENS MAD!



Look, I'm no fashion saint. There are photos from my bar mitzvah party that feature me in pegged jeans, a paisley shirt, and patent-leather shoes WITH METAL TIPS. I've had blue and purple hair. Shit, I've had LONG hair. When I was a freshman in high school I thought it was really funny to wear company shirts, like a Domino's Pizza delivery boy uniform or a t-shirt advertising Klondike bars (this is the same period of my life where I only listened to Kool Oldies on the radio). One day I wore a sombrero to school, I don't know what the fuck was going on. All of that being said, throughout my many years of fashion faux pass-that-dutches, I've never worn an Incredible Hulk tie, much less when I was chairman of the Senate appropriations committee.

STEVENS SMASH REALM OF PUBLIC DECENCY AND ELEVATION OF PUBLIC DISCOURSE. SMASH SMASH SMASH.

Winter Suckstice

Today is the first day of winter.

So what have the past two months been? Practice?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Don't Forget About the Top Selling Female Artist in History with a Record 15 #1 Singles

I really like Mariah Carey's new song, "Don't Forget About Us." As a song it basically sucks, and the video's not that good either. Like, what is she doing rolling around inside a soccer goal? And is it really that sexy to see a woman submerged in a swimming pool except for one leg propped up on the edge? My only thought when I see that is "I bet her leg is asleep."

No, what I like about the song is just the basic idea. That somewhere in the world there's this guy who's sitting around with his buddies and the video for this song comes on and one of his buddies is like, "Dude, didn't you used to date her?" And the guy is like "Oh shit! I think you're right. I forgot. Yeah, Mariah. Huh. I wonder what she's been up to."

MTA Sike!


(New York Times)


Rusty bicycles and old walking shoes? Where do you people work, Sanford and Son's Junkyard?

Oregon Tail

I just read the expose in the New York Times about kids who make hundreds of thousands of dollars starting their own child porn websites. (Lucky!)

I remember I used to try and make real money at the Oregon Trail trading post, but there was only so much you could get for a barrel of salted pork and a musket. And you could never count on repeat customers because they either got cholera and died, or broke an axle wheel trying to ford a river on the way to meet you.

This is my favorite part of the article:

Or, as an adult who called himself DLW wrote: "Did a sexual predator MAKE them make a site? No. Did they decide to do it for themselves? Yes."

Poor sexual predators! Poor, poor sexual predators! Kids can be so cruel.