Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Jingle Bell Cock

So, today we had our DCDO holiday luncheon at a fancy seafood restaurant. Every time that the staff gets together I learn something new about the ways in which people can be awkward around each other, and just flat out balls-to-the-wall cukoo-pants.

Shaft's Cousin declared that he wasn't impressed with the pirated copy of Eddie Murphy's Haunted Mansion, which he saw at the barbershop.

Gramms kept touching me, and at one point asked: "are you my boy or what?" I think this was motivated by my expressing that I might order the same dessert as she.

Lambchop just kept talking about how maybe she would get a salad because she was going out to dinner tonight, too. As if the rest of us were skipping dinner and going to bed after a game of shuffleboard while she lived out whatever kind of crazy afterhours party life a socially inept woman in her mid-thirties with a middle manager husband can live.

Crazy Aunt, a tangential figure in the office who I have not yet mentioned, but who earns her nickname primarily from her large collection of batiked silk vests, bragged to everyone that she would try anything once. This was said in reference to riding a horse (or eating a giant steak, it was hard to tell which she thought was more impressive), but I'm sure it also applies to anal-fisting.

Phylicia Rashad, a.ka. Ghost Lover, declared her disgust that Tiger Woods (who is engaged to a nanny) would marry below him, and then authoritatively exclaimed that "Michael Jackson pissed off the wrong person. That's what's going on." She then went on to brag that her best friend's husband produced The Cat in the Hat, the most unneeded self-promotion since Stephen Hawking declared he was single again and "looking for some young poon."

Afterwards the office traded their secret Santa gifts which included two rice cookers, a fruitcake sampler, a gift certificate to TGIFridays, and a travel mug.

I have to poop.

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