Wednesday, January 14, 2004

I'm Going Gay in 2004

I am going gay in 2004. This will happen for two reasons:

1) It will get me on television, the only valuable thing anyone could possibly do with their lives. There is a dying hunger for more gays on television, so, hey, I'm ga(y)me.

2) President Bush is considering the proposal of a 1.5 BILLION dollar plan to promote "Healthy Marriage." At my current pay scale, if I gave everything that I earn to the government, it would take me, personally, 655.6 years of full-time work with weekends off but no vacation or sick days, ever, to pay for this initiative. But, more importantly, do people not know what marriage is? Because I think most people do. Indeed, the only reason he is promoting "Healthy Marriage" is because EVERYONE knows what it is, and THEY ALL WANT IT. Even fags, who get all their news from alternative weeklies, have somehow discovered the well kept Christian secret. Does the idea of having legal and illegal marriages sound a little too much like having black and white drinking fountains** to anybody but me? One of the main goals of this program will be to raise marriage rates in poor areas. Wait, what was that? You're going to spend 1.5 Billion dollars to raise marriage rates in poor areas? I have an idea, why not spend 1.5 Billion dollars to MAKE POOR AREAS NOT POOR!

I don't want to work one day, much less 655.6 years, to pay for this program. So, not only will I be going gay as an act of solidarity--it has been scientifically proven that gays, as disgusting as you and I may find it, are also human--but I will also stop paying taxes in order to ensure that not one dollar of my hard earned money goes to this ludicrous program. I think I would honestly rather go to jail for tax evasion than support this proposal in any way.

Of course, I will stop being gay if I go to prison, because I am NO ONE'S bitch.

If, for some reason, I get a good lawyer and manage to stay out of prison, I will also stop being gay just before I die, because I AM NOT GOING TO HELL.

**"This year, administration officials said, Mr. Bush will probably visit programs trying to raise marriage rates in poor neighborhoods. 'The president loves to do that sort of thing in the inner city with black churches, and he's very good at it,' a White House aide said."

Before I get a whole earful from partypooperjesus, I would like to say that I know this initiative is a pandering attempt on the President's part to appeal to his conservative base, and that it is unlikely it would get passed by both houses of Congress, possible, but unlikely (see: Bush's other proposal of making wetbacks American-wetbacks.) Also, I would like to point out to partypooperjesus that I am well aware that our economy, love it or leave it, depends on the subjugation of the lower classes in order to run efficiently. That there is no such thing as a modern economy without a certain section of the population cleaning our toilets, and another section being out of work altogether. But that's why they call it livejournal, partypooperjesus, because it's LIVE man, right off the top of my fucking head.


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