Friday, January 09, 2004

New Rules

I have decided to institute new rules for being my friend. This is a retroactive regulation, which means if you have been my friend in the past, before these new rules were established, but have not yet passed the equivalency tests, then you may not be my friend in the future, bitch. There will be seven stages to determining friendship status:

1. Intelligence Test (Absolutely no dummies, please, ever! I won't even talk to your drooling, booger ass, much less befriend you.)

2. Good-lookingness Test (Girls must be attractive according to a totally subjective examination made by yours truly and focussing on legs, tits, and ass. Guys must be at least two degrees less attractive than myself so that competition in the looks department is not an issue threatening to tear our friendship apart.)

3. Location, location, location Test (Where does your ass live? If it is too far for me to walk, or ride my bike over, then you can only be my friend by putting your reasons for such a relationship in writing.)

4. Friends of Friends of Friends Test (Do you know anyone that I could exploit for my own reasons? Do you have hot friends? Powerful friends? Rich friends? No? Go away, then, fuckmouth.)

5. Birthday Test (What did you get me for my birthday? Don't pull the "I bought you a drink at the bar" trick, which is the same as saying "I would have bought you a gift if I even cared about you the littlest tiniest bit, but instead I bought you a drink, because I am lazy, and stupid, and hate you, and only want to be your friend so that people will think I'm cooler than I am, which is clearly not very cool at all as displayed by my rude and thoughtless behavior on your very important birthday.")

6. Funnybone Test (Are you funny? Good. Are you funnier than me? Bad, you are not my friend, go home and tell jokes to your tape recorder. I'm sure Letterman is just dying to hire you as a writer, funnyman. I hate you.)

7. Sex Test (Ladies, how willing are you to have sex with me if we decide we want to become "more than just friends." Or, even better, "sex friends." Sex friends are friends who just have sex all the time until I make you cry. Guys, how willing are you to find me sexual partners? Sometimes this might mean giving up your own girlfriends, this is called "taking one for the team.")

That's it. How do you match up? Probably not that well. You fuck-ups have made me a very lonely, friendless person, and it's all your fault.

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