Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Meeting Your Enemies in Battle.

Simple instructions for how defeat a variety of your enemies in battle.

Ninja: It is a little known secret that the ninja has one fatal weakness: tortilla chips. When faced with a fresh bag of tortilla chips (better: a basket of home-fried tortilla chips) the ninja's debilitating karate skills evaporate like the way water evaporates except much more quickly. One should, when wandering a lonely forest path hunted and watched by legions of fierce ninjas, always carry a bag or basket of tortilla chips in one's knapsack.

Dragon: Dragons, those legendary fire breathers, should be flattered profusely. There is nothing that a dragon enjoys better than a good, believable compliment. Do NOT say something that will cause you to snicker or even smile, because the dragon will sense falsity and you will be burned in the fires of his truth (i.e. in the fire from his mouth.) You may find it easier, if you really can't see anything good in the dragon, to simply compliment yourself but replace all references to yourself with references to the dragon.

Walking Dead: Two words, noble warriors: knee caps. Without working legs, the walking dead are forced to pull themselves along the ground by their dead fingers, at which point they are the crawling dead, a much less fearsome and much less dangerous foe. As their shoelaces are often untied and trousers torn, getting caught on a snag is very likely for the crawling dead. At this point, the use of an axe or sawed-off shotgun to sever the undead spine from the undead brain should be equally sufficient.

Sea Monster: It should come as no surprise that the fearsome Sea Monster is lactose intolerant. As a native of Asian waters, where nary a dairy product finds its way into the adult diet, these ancient aquatic beasts will be doubled over in pain after just one drop of milk or a nibble of cheese. You should, thus, prepare a non-dairy meal for the Sea Monster, but it will actually be a dairy meal. Then wait about a half an hour.

Mummy: Although the Mummy's touch IS fatal, his shuffling step and preference for old ragtime standards makes him a very unthreatening enemy. Nevertheless, he must be defeated in battle. So: yes, the Mummy's touch is fatal, but your touch is not. Seduction is the key. Use your best judgment depending on the type of Mummy you have encountered, but if seduction does not come easily to you might I suggest just turning the lights low, pouring a glass of Chardonnay or Bordeaux (you'll have to feel the Mummy out yourself on this one) and some soothing music. Once you get that Mummy undressed you'll find out that underneath those wraps he is, in fact, dust. Have Nasonex or Allegra on hand if you are allergic.

Vampire: O' Vampyr, thee of the silver tongue, thy love of thy's own voice is the undoing of thee. This guy will NOT shut up. Get him talking and he'll forget all about drinking your blood, at least until he's "made his point," which, hours later, you will wonder if there ever was one. Hold your ground in the debate and, more likely than not, he will get fed-up with your "close-mindedness" and your "bourgeois ignorance" and leave, sticking you with the bill. Pay it with cash, which is cheaper than paying with your life-force.

Werewolf: Silver bullet this, silver bullet that, let's get realistic people you don't even know where to get a regular bullet. And where are you going to get a gun, for that matter? No, the best course of action is to meet the werewolf in an underground rap battle. Get the crowd on your side by dissing yourself, leaving the werewolf no ammunition with which to drop dope rhymes about your shortcomings. (A Special Note to Tourists: You can tell if you have met a Werewolf abroad: he will be wearing a fanny-pack and a promotional Corona t-shirt, and talking far too loudly.)

Fear: Although commonly forgotten, fear IS your enemy. Naturally, the enemy within is the hardest to defeat because you don't want to throw out the baby with the bath water (meaning you do not want to throw yourself out with the fear.) The best known counter-agent to fear is bargain shopping. A decent sale will remind you that you are, if nothing else, competent in managing your finances, and in a capitalist society this is one of the most important skills for survival. Whatever fears you may be facing, you will be doing so in a very cute roche-sleeved blouse that you still cannot believe only cost $19.99.

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