Friday, October 29, 2004

CCHCRC, Day 17: JUDGEMENT DAY

Look, if you still don't have a Halloween Costume, it is definitely not my fault. I, and the loyal critics of amazon.com, have provided you with a multitude of great ideas, and we're smarter and funnier than you are. So, I hope you get lots of candy, because then when I beat you up my reward will be ever greater. I am the greatest!

One of my alltime favourites, April 5, 2004
Reviewer: Michael Severin "michaelseverin" (Hannover, Lower Saxony, Germany) - See all my reviews
I heard the first time of them in summer 1995 when i watched a video on mtv. Some days later i bought [hit album from Halloween Costume #17] and i really have to say this is the onliest cd i still hear after nearly ten years. I like every song of the album, my personal favourites are still "hannah jane", "only wanna be with you", "hold my hand", "going home" and "time". In the early summer '96 i visited a concert of the band in Hannover, Germany. The played in a small hall in front of an audience of approx. 1000 people but it was the best concert ever in my opinion. To me [Halloween Costume #17] is still going strong. Buy the album, RIGHT NOW!

Well, that makes one of you, Hanz. This one is for all you people who keep asking for group costumes, but one of you will have to be black, so just forget it. HALLOWEEN IS RUINED.








Hootie and the Blowfish!


This is the worst costume idea I've ever had, because I hate you and I hate Halloween and I hate Hootie and the Blowfish and I hate honey mustard dressing and I hate cottage cheese and I hate that I ever started this stupid thing. SO FUCK EVERYTHING.

Very Well Done!, October 2, 2000
Reviewer: Jason (Baltimore, MD) - See all my reviews
As a fan of oldies and celtic music, I am proud to say that Hootie holds the distinction of being the only "modern" group that I listen to on a regular basis. Unlike many of today's groups, there is something very pleasing and refreshing about their sound. Although many of the tracks have a somewhat depressing theme, such as drowning, or the desire to be with or away from someone, the album itself is not depressing. Rucker and his crew manage to pace the album nicely, which only adds to the experience. The songs are very easy to relate to, and although it is difficult to understand what Rucker is saying at times, I still consider this one of my favorite albums. I encourage everybody to buy this CD.

THE BOMB!!!, January 7, 1999
Reviewer: A music fan
This CD is the BOMB! If you want to hear some real music this is the CD! Hootie and the Blowfish are the BOMB!!!! This is by far the best CD I've ever heard!!!

blowfish, June 9, 2000
Reviewer: A music fan
hootie and the blowfish? what kind of name is that? this cd blows fish. hootie and the blowfish is a prank

CCHCRC, Day 17: JUDGEMENT DAY

Look, if you still don't have a Halloween Costume, it is definitely not my fault. I, and the loyal critics of amazon.com, have provided you with a multitude of great ideas, and we're smarter and funnier than you are. So, I hope you get lots of candy, because then when I beat you up my reward will be ever greater. I am the greatest!

One of my alltime favourites, April 5, 2004
Reviewer: Michael Severin "michaelseverin" (Hannover, Lower Saxony, Germany) - See all my reviews
I heard the first time of them in summer 1995 when i watched a video on mtv. Some days later i bought [hit album from Halloween Costume #17] and i really have to say this is the onliest cd i still hear after nearly ten years. I like every song of the album, my personal favourites are still "hannah jane", "only wanna be with you", "hold my hand", "going home" and "time". In the early summer '96 i visited a concert of the band in Hannover, Germany. The played in a small hall in front of an audience of approx. 1000 people but it was the best concert ever in my opinion. To me [Halloween Costume #17] is still going strong. Buy the album, RIGHT NOW!

Well, that makes one of you, Hanz. This one is for all you people who keep asking for group costumes, but one of you will have to be black, so just forget it. HALLOWEEN IS RUINED.








Hootie and the Blowfish!


This is the worst costume idea I've ever had, because I hate you and I hate Halloween and I hate Hootie and the Blowfish and I hate honey mustard dressing and I hate cottage cheese and I hate that I ever started this stupid thing. SO FUCK EVERYTHING.

Very Well Done!, October 2, 2000
Reviewer: Jason (Baltimore, MD) - See all my reviews
As a fan of oldies and celtic music, I am proud to say that Hootie holds the distinction of being the only "modern" group that I listen to on a regular basis. Unlike many of today's groups, there is something very pleasing and refreshing about their sound. Although many of the tracks have a somewhat depressing theme, such as drowning, or the desire to be with or away from someone, the album itself is not depressing. Rucker and his crew manage to pace the album nicely, which only adds to the experience. The songs are very easy to relate to, and although it is difficult to understand what Rucker is saying at times, I still consider this one of my favorite albums. I encourage everybody to buy this CD.

THE BOMB!!!, January 7, 1999
Reviewer: A music fan
This CD is the BOMB! If you want to hear some real music this is the CD! Hootie and the Blowfish are the BOMB!!!! This is by far the best CD I've ever heard!!!

blowfish, June 9, 2000
Reviewer: A music fan
hootie and the blowfish? what kind of name is that? this cd blows fish. hootie and the blowfish is a prank

Paul Newman, The Worker #3116 Of His Time

Just in case things don't go so good on Tuesday, WE ARE PREPARED!

Last night I watched Hud by myself. Hud is a good movie. I've got a real soft (wet?) spot for all those early 60's, pre-Inside the Actor's Studio movies, when it was actually inside the Actor's Studio, not a Bravo TV show, and no one even knew who Denzel Washington ("The Greatest Actor of Our Generation") was. The whole Paul Newman-Marlon Brando-James Dean era, it's just amazing. Seriously. I want to perform a love crime on these men. Also, I'm real big on father-son conflicts, for some very hidden and hard to understand reasons that only a licensed therapist who went to COLLEGE and ADVANCED COLLEGE could understand. There is this really great scene in Hud where Paul Newman (Hud) is having the climactic argument with his father, played by Melvyn Douglas, who has never liked him. Anyhow, his father is just really tearing into him, calling him an awful person, and telling him how he always hated him since even when he was a little kid, and then there's this close up of Paul Newman, who is all soaking wet and in shadow, and his face is looking very angry and STONE COLD and then he smiles and says "Well, my mama loved me. But then she died." POW! What a scene. Fuck you Wes Anderson, and Napoleon Dynamite, and, and fucking, fucking Quentin Tarantino and I Heart Hucakabees, which was fine, but emotionally corrupt. TAKE THAT D IN YOUR MOUTH!

The other thing I really like in these movies are the flashes of wanton sexuality that always surprise me, because this is pre-sexual revolution, and although it's not the 20's or even the McCarthy-era 50's, I still half-expect my pre-hippy cinema to be clean. But here are a few choice lines from Hud:

Alma (to Hud): Ooh, I smell Chanel Number Five, and I know it ain't me 'cuz I can't afford it. I take it it wasn't horses you was riding this afternoon.

LATER:

Alma: The only thing [my ex-husband] was good for was scratching my back where I couldn't reach.
Hud: You still got that itch.
Alma: Sometimes.
Hud: Well, let me know when it gets to bothering you.

LET'S DO IT!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

CCHCRC, Day 16

To the woman walking around the office today dressed as Catwoman: What may have been a foolish career choice for Halle Berry is a horrific and terrifying costume choice for you. See you at the gym!

Here's a joke I made up this morning:

Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Dos. Uno para cambiar el bombilla, y el otro para hacerme un taco. El ha ha ha.

Go show, old chap!, January 3, 2000
Reviewer: richardroeper (Chicago, IL) - See all my reviews
Mmmmm, mmmmm, mmmm! Whenever I see my 12-year-old neighbor, I can't thank [Creator of Halloween Costume #16] enough for expressing what I feel in my heart! God bless him!

Because you were already sexy nurse last year:







Lolita!


Please?

Along with catch-22, the worst book I have ever read., February 29, 2004
Reviewer: J. LIN (Hawaii) - See all my reviews

Before you hate me, realize that hating me is analogous to me hating this book, because some people like me! What i'm trying to say is that some people like this book, but I do not. Which is okay.
I admit I have only read 30 something pages. But that is just testament to how bad this book is (in my opinion). Despite its reputation, and my entire summer's worth of free-time, i could only get 30 pages in. What do I remember from these 30 pages? NOTHING.

The language is INVENTIVE, but in the same way that it's INVENTIVE if I took ten bananas and duct tape and I tape all the bananas together in one big, random bundle. Actually, it is not in that same way. Because my banana-thing is kind of funny. Nobakov's inventiveness is NOT FUNNY. It is extremely academic and DULL. Someone once cited Nobakov's genius in his description of dog's pee in fresh snow as "XANTHIC HOLES". Do people not realize that this is just describing dog's pee in fresh snow as "YELLOWING HOLES?" To me, that is SO SO SO dull a description. It'd be better to just write "dog's pee in snow." Nobakov probably thinks he's some kind of genius. At one time, I thought maybe I was too dumb to UNDERSTAND Nobakov. But not anymore. Now I just think that readers are too PRETENTIOUS to admit that this is dull dull dull, UNFEELING, DISHONEST writing. (I know this mention of lack of emotion is just thrown in here at the end). Okay.

A Guilty Pleasure, January 29, 2003
Reviewer: A reader
I absolutely adore this book. It is a genius of the english language. Bravo! I am appaled by all the people who misunderstood this book. I believe that the author was writing about tragedy all right, the tragedy of young girls who seduce and therefore ruin men's lives. Lolita was the persuer here people. The proof? Lolita went on to have immoral, premarital affairs after she is finished with her stepfather. How could she have been a victim when she went along with it? All she had to do was say no. Girls are supposed to be pure. This book is a guilty pleasure I will admit. Especially because my wife is getting older.

Utter rubbish masquerading as good literature, April 18, 2002
Reviewer: Roger (Buffalo, NY) - See all my reviews
Many have praised Lolita as an example of first class literature and highly polished art. Much of this praise derives from Nobokov's reputation as a writer, his frequent literary allusions, ample dashes of French, and his clever use of the English language. However impressive, in my mind these attributes aren't enough to compensate for the deplorable nature of his subject matter (dressed up pedophilia), and his offensive depictions of women as sex objects (Dolores/Lolita) or brainless slugs (his two wives).
So what if Nabokov has written other notable novels? So what if he is fluent in three languages and writes well in English? So what if his characters are rich and three dimensional? Are these adequate excuses for the sick relationships he describes for his pathetic characters, or his obnoxious, degrading, chauvinistic attitudes towards women?

In my mind Lolita is nothing more than trash wrapped up in a pretty package by a famous writer. People continue to be drawn to it (men mostly, I suspect) by its titillating subject and Nobokov's reputation as a writer. They use the excuse of "good literature" to read a lurid book that they otherwise would be too embarassed to pick up. It provides little else but mental masturbation and is nothing more than an arrogant, self indulgent exercise in language manipulation.

I wouldn't recommend this novel to my worst enemy.

(NOTE: It begs the question, what novel would you recommend to your worst enemy?)

el amor a las ninfas, May 16, 2000
Reviewer: Luis Méndez (Republica Dominicana) - See all my reviews
esa pequena desviacion del amor, esa busqueda incansable por la nina perfecta, la perfecta ninfa, la nina de 12 a 17 anos que vive en los suenos y recuerdos de H. H es tal vez la ilusion de muchos hombres y el comienzo de pedofilia. aunque la novela no muestra directamente escenas de sexo, el lector las intuye a plenitud y mucho mejor, ya que la imaginacion de cada uno adornara la escena de las cosas que solo se refieren de manera indirecta en la novela. la pelicula debe definitivamente verse despues de leer el libro para que se capte la trama. esta es una obra maestra de nabokov , quien juega con el idioma ingles de una manera increiblemente buena.
LUIS MENDEZ

God Bless Him

Curses, Boston Red Sox Fans. A Pox On All Your Over-Enthusiastic Houses.

I was trying to think of something that I care less about than the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series, but I can't. Maybe Chris O'Donnell, but Scent of a Woman was pretty good if you can see past the pathos.

Yesterday was Clown Coffee's birthday, so I went to dinner at his house. There were four of us: Clown Coffee, Worker #3116, this Jewish lesbian from my work, and Clown Coffee's friend Damon, who is this very strange but bodacious combination of a stoned surfer dude and a homosexual Art History PhD candidate. He describes everything as being "a pretty good vibe," and he kept saying to me and the lesbian, "It's really great to meet you guys, you seem really cool, this is really awesome. Wow." Damon and Clown Coffee like to make jokes about fisting and the hippie lesbian is easily embarrassed and I like to eat birthday cake: that is what was revealed last night. Not as much as Damon, though, as proved by this conversation:

Clown Coffee: Hippie Lesbian made me a cake.
Hippie Lesbian: Yeah, although I have to admit that my mom did, like, 80 percent of the work. I went over to her house with this little crummy pan and she was like, "oh no no no, here" and started pulling out all this stuff and th—
Damon: Let's eat it. Cake!

At some point in the evening Clown Coffee turned to me and said "You're the straight one, do you have the typical lipstick lesbian fantasy that straight guys are supposed to have?" and I tried to sort of explain how I didn't really think that was an accurate description because no one really fantasizes about lipstick lesbians, there's no depth or plot or sexual politics about jerking off to two girls doing it, but everyone was just staring at me so I just said "But yeah, that's hot." Later, in the car, I figured out what I was trying to say, which is that if anything the typical male fantasy is of two bi-curious girls going at it, who put on a show for me but are really just waiting for me to sink my gigantic schlong into them. Because honestly, no one actually likes lesbians. Yuck.

And that's my point.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

CCHCRC, Day 15, Just Take Me Now!

I'M NOT AFRAID OF [Halloween Costume #15] ANYMORE!, March 6, 2004
Reviewer: Leah Bugna Styles (CALIFORNIA, USA) - See all my reviews
ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT THIS BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE!! WE ARE ALWAYS TOLD TO "FEAR [Halloween Costume #15]" AND UNTIL I READ THIS BOOK, I KIND OF DID. NOW, THANKS TO NEALE, I TALK TO [Halloween Costume #15] DAILY AS A LOVING FRIEND WHO LOVES ME..NO MATTER WHAT I DO! NOT THAT I FEEL I CAN JUST GO OUT AND STEAL, OR KILL, OR DO BAD THINGS WITHOUT CONSIQUENSE, BUT THE THINGS THAT I DO CHOOSE TO DO, WILL HAVE OUTCOMES THAT ARE IN CONJUNCTION WITH WHAT I'VE DONE. FOR INSTANCE, TOO MUCH ALCOHOL WILL PROBABLY EFFECT MY LIVER, BUT [Halloween Costume #15] DOESN'T HAVE TO "PUNISH" ME, THE RESULTS OF MY ACTIONS WILL DO THAT. I HAVE READ BOOK ONE OVER 4 TIMES, AND HAVE READ BOOKS 2&3 ALSO. I LOVE THE RELATIONSHIP I NOW HAVE WITH [Halloween Costume #15], AND FEEL THAT THE TEACHINGS IN THIS BOOK ARE ONLY ABOUT ONE THING..LOVE. WHICH IS WHAT [Halloween Costume #15] IS. THANK YOU NEALE, I HOPE MANY PEOPLE ARE ABLE TO BEFRIEND [Halloween Costume #15] FROM YOUR WRITINGS AS I HAVE AND IT BRINGS PEACE TO THEIR LIVES AS IT HAS MINE.

Jesus Christ. That lady is STUPID.








God!


WALSCH IS AN AGENT OF EVIL! BEWARE OF HIS SATANIC BOOKS!!, September 30, 2004
Reviewer: Wes (Portland, Oregon) - See all my reviews
OUTRIGHT LIES AND FABRICATIONS! WHAT A WAY TO MAKE A FEW DOLLARS: BLASPHEMING THE LORD! HELL AWAITS HIM!! AVOID THIS BOOK OR YE TOO SHALL SUFFER THY SAME FATE! THE ONLY BOOK ANYONE NEEDS IS THE HOLY BIBLE!!! JESUS IS LORD!!!!

For D. Gammon in Indiana, August 14, 2004
Reviewer: Cher2 "Cher2" (Cher2) - See all my reviews
And in response to your post D. Gammon from Indiana, let me tell you my story. I have had the Uncommon Dialogue tape for several years now. When I first brought it home and listened to it, I felt enlightened... had a certain degree of uneasiness about what I'd just heard, but nonetheless enlightened. I brought that tape out again after having thought I'd lost it six years ago and then listened to it one more time. Only this time that same unexplained uneasiness that I had felt years ago came back but this time it was magnified ten-fold. The change you might ask... After having developed a very close, very deep relationship with God in recent years, He showed me all the lies in this tape I had failed to really deeply listen to years ago. Mr. Gammon I am not sure how much of the word you have actually studied or how thoroughly you have studied it for that matter. But even the devil knows the Bible. He probably knows more about it than you've learned in your life span. The fact is he knows the Bible extremely well, inside-and-out, and is smart enough to know how to distort just enough truth to make it still sound like the complete truth even though it's not. You can look at it from a mathematical point of view... a negative plus a positive is still a negative. Likewise a truth plus an untruth is still an untruth. The word of the Bible is truth and anything that contradicts it is not the truth - a lie. You are believing lies if you listen to any man's philosophy contradictory to the Bible. You say you've studied the Bible, so Mr. Gammon you should know that. In my previous post (I hope you are knowledgeable to separate truth from untruth) I explained to CWG readers out there or to the tape listeners out there the many lies Walsch mentioned that contradicted the bible. Right down the line, Walsch's supposed "conversation" contradicted everything from basic biblical verse to the Ten Commandments themselves. And yes, Mr. Gammon, the Lord is my Father... my very precious Daddy and yours. And, yes, we all have that common thread among each other that we all have His Spirit lying within us and, yes, we are all His children as He molded each one of us into the likeness of His image. But I know that it also saddens Him greatly when His children distort the word of the Bible. So really D. Gammon from Indiana, if you want to point the finger so hastily at someone for judging, point the finger at Neale Donald Walsch for judging wrongly against the Bible, the word of your Father, the Author of the Bible. If you get from the Walschs' tape a heightened sense of peace and love for your fellow mankind then bless your heart Mr. Gammon if you act upon them... in God's name. In His name done not as a good work to buy your way into heaven, but done for the pleasing of the Lord. So please, for your sake, learn to separate truth from the distorted truth presented from Walsch's perspective as it is those distorted truths that I mentioned in my previous post that plant seeds in your head. And it is those "seeds" that subconsciously act like wolves in sheeps clothing, because as the Bible teaches us "where the mind goes the man follows." Don't be so naive to think that all black ink on white paper equals the truth. Go back and read more of your Bible to understand your enemy. The same as we need to know the character of God, we need to know the character of Satan, because if we don't know Satan's character then how are we going to be able to recognize when He's operating or when God is operating? What is sad is that in many instances people cannot tell the difference and then we end up blaming things on God that the devil is actually doing.

Nice one, May 9, 2004
Reviewer: crappy_kaz (USA) - See all my reviews
Well done Walschy, for bringing theism up to date. Walsch is one of the big guns on the spiritual circuit. Walsch isn't quite up to speed w

Must Eat TV

I watched that show "Big Fat Pants" last night. It's so good. If you like reality TV, or if you like to see fat people cry, this is for you. It's about a bunch of fat people living together in a house and finding out what it's like when fat people stop being polite and start getting real. Real fat. My favorite line was when the host (who could stand to miss a few meals herself) asked this one fat guy, who had just cried, "Tell me the truth, how hard was it to not just come down here and eat all of the carrot cake in that refrigerator?"

The very very BEST part of the show, though, is how they've improved on the common reality TV elimination theme. Instead of having a ti-ki torch that gets extinguished, or having their picture digitally removed from a group modeling shot, or a rose ceremony, in "The Fattest Pants" each contestant has a glass-doored refrigerator with their name on it, filled with tempting foods they are dying to eat and when they get eliminated, THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN THEIR REFRIGERATOR.

Fat people are so funny. Have you ever noticed how sometimes a fat person will just bump into stuff without even knowing it because their body is so big they can't even tell where they're going? Woopsy-daisy, fat ass, you just broke a priceless Ming Dynasty vase! Lose some weight fatsos!

Two Jokes, But Pizza In The Garbage Is No Joke

Wait, wait: I made up a joke this morning:

Q: How many stupid people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A lot.

We are living in a country of liars, so it is no surprise that both Stevil and McCullen claim to have not thrown away my pizza that was in the fridge. But then how to explain my pizza sitting in the garbage yesterday morning? Obviously, I did not throw my own pizza away, but both of these AWFUL, MISERABLE LIARS FROM HELL protest that it was not they who threw away my pizza. That pizza had pepperoni on it, you horrible assholes. Also, Stevil suggests that maybe OK Tiger threw my pizza away when she cleaned our living room Sunday morning. Well, that's one of the thinnest cover-ups I've heard in some time, for about a million reasons, not the least of which is the fact that my pizza was not in the living room, but further backed up by the fact that this was a new bag of garbage that was not put into the garbage can until late Monday night. Nevertheless, I have no hope of finding the truth. If the United States Government is incapable of finding out who leaked Valerie Plame's identity to the press, how am I, with my super-intelligence but limited resources, supposed to discover which of these homosexuals put my pizza into the garbage and then LIED ABOUT IT?

I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Here's a new joke:

Q: What do Stevil, McCullen, Mexicans, and women have in common?
A: I hate all of them.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Burning Down Jayson Blair's Master's House

You'd think with the whole Judith Miller scandal still being tried in a court of law, not to mention the Jayson Blair scandals and what not, that the New York Times would be a little more careful in their reporting. But nay! In today's paper there is an article dealing with the contradictory fact that while the problem of obesity continues to "grow" in this country, McDonald's and other fast food chains remain one of the largest providers of dining options in our nation's hospitals. Take a look at the very first paragraph:

"Under the smiling clown-face of Ronald McDonald, a woman and her 5-year-old daughter had spread before them a burger, Chicken McNuggets and fries. Nearby, a young couple were enjoying two Quarter Pounders with cheese. A neurologist was downing some hot cakes."

Burger, nuggets, fries, Quarter Pounders with cheese, HOT CAKES? I'm not saying that the reporter (I KNOW YOU, MARC SANTORA!) is just flat-out making this stuff up, but, yes I am. You're trying to tell me that this woman was feeding her daughter burgers and nuggets, while a young couple sat nearby enjoying Quarter Pounders, all before 10:30 AM? I call bullshit when I read it, Santora. Bullshit!

CCHCRC, Day 14

Sunday, October 24, 6:54 PM

Worker #3116: I'm having trouble finding my costume.
Mom #3116: Well, we've still got some old costumes at home if you're really running out of time.
Worker #3116: What, that wizard hat? No thanks.
Mom #3116: There's a witch's hat.
Worker #3116: ...
Mom #3116: And a long, black cloak.
Worker #3116: ...
Mom #3116: I think we have a Nixon mask.
Worker #3116: Stop talking to me.

MUST UNDERSTAND, February 28, 2002
Reviewer: joe j monreal (tucson, arizona United States) - See all my reviews
Many of these reviews will fill you in on the story, but you must understand that:
1) This is a film for you think about, not entirely enjoy. NOT A TRUE MINDLESS SUMMER POPCORN FILM! This is a film for you to think about, not sit back and relax with like Rush Hour or Aliens.

2)THEY ARE NOT ALIENS, THEY ARE MACHINES FAR ADVANCED, FAR EVOLVED AFTER THE ICE CAPS MELT, REMEMBER THIS! This refers to the end, I even thought aliens at first, feeling the film was completely ruined, but then I realized and all was well. Listen closely to Jude Law, he foretell this.

3)IF YOU CANNOT TELL IF YOU LIKED THIS FILM, THEN THE FILMS HAS DONE ITS JOB. AFter watching the film three times in theatres, I couldn't decide what to think about it, that is why I must buy it.

4)FORGET EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT SPIELBERG BEFORE WATHCING THIS FILM. It's simply unique, a mixture of vision.

AND FINALLY

5)THEY ARE NOT ALIENS!!!!!


This is my scariest Halloween Costume Suggestion YET! REMEMBER THIS!







Haley Joel Osment!


Are you super scary, or are you super gross? I don't know, both? Get the fuck away from me.

The second worst film ever made., July 3, 2004
Reviewer: A viewer
This is the second worst film ever made, (when you factor in budget, of course). It's truly a film for the stupid. This review contains some spoilers.
1. (semi-spoiler) There is a scene where the android boy decides to try and eat, which he's incapable of, and damages himself. I'm a computer programmer. If you want your machine to not eat, the solution is very simple: program it not to.

2. (semi-spoiler) There is a scene where the android boy holds a human boy underwater in a simming pool. I'm a computer programmer. If you want your machine to not hurt humans, the solution is very simple: program it not to.

3. (spoiler) There is a scene where the gigilo android discovers that a woman has been murdered and goes on the run because he's afraid he will be accused of the crime. Three problems here: 1. The android surely must be programmed not to hurt humans, and if so, that will be determinable by examining his programming. 2. Even if he wasn't programmed not to, there surely must be a way to "replay" his activity- to view his memory. Hell, with today's technology you could store a month's worth of video on a microdrive that's the size of your finger. Surely anyone who designs an android will make it record at least the last 24 hours of what it's seen. 3. An android maker would surely not allow it the ability to go "on the run". Rather, it would "return home if there's trouble".

4. (spoiler) Finally, the movie ends with the pinnacle of absurdity, a ludicrous creme de la creme. The android boy is revived after a few thousand years and androids of the future are able to glean information from within the molecules of him. That by itself is not so bad, sure, I can believe such a technology could exist. Maybe.

But the information only lasts 24 hours. Seriously, I'm not kidding, that's what happens. The information "lasts 24 hours and is gone forever".

I laughed so hard that an usher came over to me. One other guy was laughing too a few rows over.

5. Finally, the film is entirely about the boy's relationship with his adopted mom. That's fine, but what about the importance of loving the father? The dad is just an incidental character. I can understand wanting to "focus" on the mother, but the fact that the film doesn't even see it as a PROBLEM to address somewhere, that seeking love from the father is totally ignored, demonstrates poor writing. Unethical.

The qualities of "A.I.", December 3, 2002
Reviewer: Antonio Mosso (Washington, DC United States) - See all my reviews
The good:
-It Pinocchio in the future
-Amazing metropolis

The bad:
-Confusing story
-Action scenes are not all that interesting

The strange:
-How the hell are you supposed to raise something that wants to love you but all(including his so called family) discriminate on it?

The awards for:
Stupidest character-The robot's(Osment) father<Hey, if you are not going to treat that boy droid like a real boy, then don't buy it at all.>

The overall:
Well, if you are that obsessed over robots, this could be your movie. Otherwise, forget this movie.

Robot Boy? Not!, October 18, 2002
A Kid's Review
Lots of people expected David to be played using special effects. They were right. Haley Joel Osment must've had special effects! In the whole first half of the movie he didn't blink once!!!! How did our boy do this? Pure talent! That's what! I loved the movie and I hope you enjoy it too!

NOT THE FAIRY TALE EVERY ONE TALKS ABOUT, March 8, 2002
Reviewer: Joseph (Monticello, Ky) - See all my reviews
STEVEN SPIELBURG FOLLOWING UP ON AN ORIGINAL IDEA WHICH CAME FORTH FROM THE GENIOUS OF STANLEY KUBRICK, CREATED AI, A BIZZARE FAIRY TALE OF SORTS SET IN THE DISTANT AND NOT TO DISTANT FUTURE. HALEY JOEL OSMENT PLAYS DAVID! AN ARTIFICIAL BOY WHO HAS BEEN PROGRAMED TO LOVE AND FEEL PAIN LIKE A HUMAN CHILD, AND SOON REALIZES THAT HE WOULD HAVE PROBABLY BEEN BETTER OFF HAD BE NOT BEEN PROGRAMED TO FEEL EMOTION. MANY REVIEWERS FEEL THAT THE FUTURISTIC RE-TELLING OF PINOCHHIO HAS MABEY WENT JUST A LITTLE TO FAR. WELL! IT DOES AND IT DOSEN'T. FIRST LETS BREAK THE FILM DOWN. THE STORY IS ABSOLUTE GENIUS. A LITTLE ROBOT BOY WHO WAS MADE TO FEEL EMOTION AND PAIN, FINDS THAT HOSTILE PEOPLE INCLUDEING HIS ADOPTING MOTHER AND FATHER FEEL MORE HATE THAN LOVE. WHY WOULD HIS MOTHER AND FATHER BE HOSTILE? WELL THEIR NATURAL SON RETURNS HOME FROM CRYO-SLEEP, AND SIMPLY PUT, THEIR NATURAL SON, DOSEN'T TAKE TO DAVID (OSMENT) AS THEY HAD HOPED. SECOND HAVEN'T WE BEEN HERE BEFORE WITH "BLADE RUNNER". ROBOTS WHO JUST WANT TO LIVE, AND LOVE! ALSO, THE MOVIE LEAVES A FEELING OF UTTER DEPRESSION. WHY? I DON'T KNOW! PERHAPS BECAUSE WE FEEL PITY AND SYMPOTHY FOR DAVID. A ROBOT! WHY? MABEY BECAUSE WE SOMETIMES FORGET THAT HE IS A ROBOT AND JUST AN INNOCENT IN A EVIL WORLD. A INNOCENT WHO WANTS TO BE LOVED AND INTURN LOVE AS WELL. THE CARACTERS THAT DAVID MEETS ARE TRUELY THE REAL STARS THOUGH. JUDE LAW PLAYING A ROBOT WHO PLEASES THE LADIES. WILLIAM HURT PLAYING THE CREATOR, "A THROUGH BACK TO MR. GHEPPTO", AND TEDDY WHO IS "A THROUGH BACK TO JIMMNEY CRICKETS" THE REAL STAR. BUT ALL THAT ASIDE, AS I MENTIONED THE FILM LEAVES THE VIEWER WITH A FEELING OF UTTER DEPRESSION. AND I THINK IT INTENDS TO DO JUST THAT! THE TRUE DESPERATION (WHICH TURNS TO AN OBSESSION) BY DAVID TO BECOME HUMAN IS, REALLY HEARTSINKING. THE FILM WHICH IS SET IN THE NEAR FUTURE AND PROPELLS ITSELF TO THE FAR FUTURE TAKES US ON A JOURNEY THAT NO LIVING HUMAN SHOULD EVER HAVE TO ENDURE. AI FORCES US TO ENDURE A MECHA'S (SLANG FOR ROBOT) HELL'ISH JOURNEY WHICH SPANS OVER 2,000 YEARS. PERSONIFIED BY A CHILD. DISTURBING TO SAY THE LEAST. WHAT MAY BE FAIRY TALE TO SOME IS NIGHTMAREISH TO OTHERS. AND I FEEL THAT THE MOVIE WAS VERY NIGHTMAREISH TO SAY THE LEAST. AND DEF. NOT FOR THE CHILDREN! NOW LETS PROBE THE ENDING OF THE FILM (NOT GIVING ANYTHING AWAY). MANY HAVE CRITIZIED THE ENDING, SAYING THE END OF AI RUINED THE ENTIRE MOVIE. WHY? THE ENDING DOSEN'T REALLY HAVE A SAD ENDING NOR DOES IT REALLY HAVE A HAPPY ENDING. IT JUST HAS AN END. AND I FEEL THE STANLEY KUBRICK AND SPIELBURG INTEDED TO DO JUST THAT BRING THE ENDING TO A FILM. MABEY YOU COULD INTERPRET THE END IN OTHER WAYS BUT I FEEL THAT THE END IS JUST THAT. THE END!!! AND MANY WHO WATCH THE FILM WILL UNDERSTAND WHY. OVERALL 3 STARS, COULD HAVE GOTTEN 5 BUT AS I SAY ITS DO DEPRESSING AND LEAVES MEMORIES OF OSMENT WAITING FOR 2,000 YEARS TO BECOME HUMAN. FAIRY TALES ACORDING TO AI COME TRUE, BUT DEAR LORD DO THEY....

Six Degrees of Bacon

Harrison Ford—Bacon

1. Harrison Ford starred in Regarding Henry with Annette Bening
2. Annette Bening starred in Mars Attacks! directed by Tim Burton
3. Tim Burton has the same first name as Tim Allen
4. Tim Allen starred in the TV show Home Improvement with Jonathan Taylor Thomas
5. Jonathan Taylor Thomas is considered a total fucking idiot by Worker #3116
6. Worker #3116 ate bacon on Saturday

ATTENTION NERDS: Does anyone actually know how to make a "meme"? I hate "memes", but I also think that there should be a Six Degrees of Bacon program that you can type anyone's name in and get to bacon. How do I do this? Lend me your expertise, but first wash the lotion off your hands.

Monday, October 25, 2004

CCHCRC, Day 13

Last night we made jack-o-lanterns. Clown Coffee made a pro-Kerry lantern. McCullen carved an outline of a ghost holding a slice of pizza. OK Tiger made a pumpkin that has a cat face and a weird, unexplainable "M" on its forehead. Bridget made a unibrowed jack-o-lantern with big, full lips and hair all over. Worker #3116 made one that looks like a retard.

PUMPKIN! PUMPKIN! PUMPKIN!

Dull, July 17, 2004
Reviewer: M Pritchard (Moscow Russia) - See all my reviews
An incredibly dull man does dull things for what seems like most of your life. Makes you understand how Bin Laden recruits

If you dress up as this for Halloween then the terrorists win:










Larry David!


You may not have known that Larry David and his comedy show are on the front lines of the war on terror, but they are, and they're fighting for the WRONG SIDE! Look:

Know what and who you're supporting with your $, June 20, 2004
Reviewer: A viewer
Larry David is an outspoken critic of the current American administration. Vehemently pro-Israel and anti-Republican, David uses his Hollywood clout to push his various leftist political agendas. By all means, buy this DVD if you want, but please be aware of the social and political causes that you will be helping to fund.

In fact, one dollar from every copy sold of the Curb Your Enthusiasm DVD is sent directly to terrorists. Now that's scary! PUMPKINS!

Me Stinks it very phunny!!!!, June 19, 2004
Reviewer: SpookyChick (in tha' world!) - See all my reviews
I'm in favor of dis here tv show. It tickle my phunny bone til I kan't stand it anymore, more. Larry David gets all worked up into a big fuss in every episode. What a fuss-budget! And the udder kast members are so phunny I want to run to the bathroom and let it all out! I remember the one where his wife's friend thought he liked her when the they went to the movies together and then the friend told the wife and she was so mad at Larry. And there are lots of phun cameos in diff'rent episodes, like Elaine from Seinfeld is in one (fouler mouthed). And Larry's friend is named Richard Lewis who is a phunny comediean.

Pretty .. pretty ... pretty .... pretty good, March 16, 2004
Reviewer: Remixer Richu (Victoria, BC) - See all my reviews
Last night me and my bud watched Larry for hours, I can never get enough of this American Jewel.
The recent episode SURVIVOR made me roll on the floor and it was so funny it hurt my stomach.
I haven't seen a show this good for a long time.
Sometimes I get queer eyes from fellow workers because I can't help myself to laugh whenever Curb comes on my mind.

Brilliant!!!!, February 17, 2004
Reviewer: markus diersbock (marblehead, ma USA) - See all my reviews
Larry David has that wit that I love. Just like the film AS GOOD AS IT GETS and the show BECKER.
The reality-show feel the show has just makes it that much more enjoyable, it gives you the feeling you're just watching this guy stumble through life. He TRIES to do the right thing, but it always seems to backfire in the end somehow, and ends with a laugh while the ending circus theme chimes right in.
Also, the woman who plays his wife ain't to hard on the eyes either!!!! ;-)

Ugh, January 12, 2004
Reviewer: "kate_davis4" (Massachusetts) - See all my reviews
No thanks. I saw Seinfeld and sometimes that it was mildly amusing - when the characters weren't making me consider poking my eyes out with toothpicks, that is. This show is worse, by far. I understand that it has its own appeal to some, but I simply cannot find it. The 'improv' writing is annoying (for better results, see "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"), the characters are totally impossible to relate to and just not amusing. At all. Honestly, I can't see how anyone would willingly subject themselves to this show, but to all those who like it, congrats on getting the DVD!

Bloah

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Her palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on her sweater already, mom's spaghetti
She's nervous, but on the surface she looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but she keeps on forgettin
What she wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
She opens her mouth, but the words won't come out
She's chokin, how everybody's jokin now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Ashlee, she choked
She's so mad, but she won't give up that
Easy, no
She won't have it , she knows her whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, she's dope
She knows that, but she's broke
She's so stacked that she knows
When she goes back to her mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole lip-synching shit
She better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass her

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

This Weekend Was Lame, But This Post Is Lamer

Disaster.

We are heading towards disaster.

All this time I've been helping you fools, when I should have been helping myself. I thought I had Halloween under control this year, but I totally don't. I had a sweet costume planned, and I thought it would be easy to pull off, but apparently kelly green isn't as popular a color as it used to be, and this is not the season for white (i.e. white that I can dye kelly green).

At the very fucking least, I have my backup Halloween costume.



ME TINKS DIS BE DE BEST HALLOWEEN EVA?!

Friday, October 22, 2004

CCHCRC, Day 12

Jennifer Love Hewitt has nice tits, October 20, 2004
Reviewer: lefthandof power (Memphis, TN) - See all my reviews
That's about the best that can be said about this movie.

Here's your costume. Nap time!






Garfield!


Does the cat of fatness and large color of orange explode on, October 21, 2004
Reviewer: Mark Twain Part II "Sammy" (Example, Texas) - See all my reviews
Why no this statemnent that I puprosed before hand not one on my arm would now will appear to not be of truth. For why does the disc contian movie that is below goodness level of medium? Let us go ask people created such horrible movie. Please person there on there computer right now reading this content of review? Money is of no use on purchasing video disc with contain such movie as CAT: the Garfiled.

123546 stars, June 14, 2004
A Kid's Review
THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER+THE ANAMATED SHROT WAS VERY,VERY,FUNNY. LOVE IT. WATCH IT NOW.THE CAT IN THE HAT WAS THE FLAT IN THE HAT.I WANT TO BUY THE DVD OR VHS NOW.COOLOO. ITS ALL ABOUT MEAOW.GARFIELD THE MOVIE IS THE BEST.

0 Stars For the Movie 3 For Jennifer, June 12, 2004
Reviewer: A viewer
The movie just wasn't funny. They got the charaters all wrong, the animation was cheasy, and it wasn't even close to the comic book!!
But I was willing to sit throuh it to the end because Jennifer-Love-Hewitt and her fine behind. She wore nice tight/short dresses and did alot of running. IT WAS GLORIOUS!!! I guess you could say she was the only asset to the movie(:

Gos

This is easily the most bizarre celebrity gossip I have ever heard:

"Liza Minnelli reportedly gave a drunken, incoherent, meandering speech in the middle of a party for OutKast's upcoming movie musical in Wilmington, N.C., and had to be bailed out midsentence by the members of Fishbone. A local paper commented that it was 'not Miss Minnelli's finest moment.'"
(salon.com)

And I'm being completely honest when I say that I had previously believed I would go through the rest of my life without ever hearing word of the band Fishbone again.

My Fingers Are Bleeding and I Am Sad

I forgot to mention that I also saw a totally amazing "infomercial" for a product called the "Spokester" which recreates the sound of playing cards tucked into your bike spokes "without the hassle of playing cards!" Total convenience!

The "Spokester" comes in many different colors:

realbrightflame
supermegatangerine
radicallyniftylime
reallyawesomecobalt
uncommonlydarkebony

http://www.spokester.com/

Worker #3116, Is He For Real?

I came home last night to find McCullen had carved a "Sambo" jack-o-lantern, replete with "o" mouth and "big" nose. We live in a progressive neighborhood, though, so the plan to paint it brown, with white mouth and red lips, cannot happen. That's not to say there are any black people living in our neighborhood, in fact McCullen is the darkest-skinned person around, but we have a lot of upper-middle class white people who think they understand black people.

Then we watched this really awful documentary on A&E called "Zombies, Are They For Real?" It was all about this one zombie who is potentially proof that zombies exist, but the documentary was completely directionless so that at one point it's talking about the Haitian Voodoo Justice System and the next thing you know they're examining the toxicology of that Japanese puffer fish. My favorite line of the entire documentary, though, was "In Haiti, even after a person dies, it may be possible that he can come back to live with his family as a zombie." There were some pretty obvious flaws with the zombie's story, though, the main one stemming from the claim that after he was zombified he was enslaved for 18 years with about 120 other zombies, but then one day all the zombies revolted, killing their slave master, and escaping into the Haitian hillside. There are two glaring problems with this: 1) why didn't any of the other 120 slave zombies return to their families and offer to tell their stories to A&E, and 2) zombies, we are told (this documentary makes a point of it, actually), live without emotion. But how can you have a zombie revolt without emotion? Moreover, I find it very hard to believe that the zombies would have the organization and "group think" necessary to pull this thing off. They're just too self-interested.

In conclusion, the night ended with me saying, "Tomorrow morning, when I wake up exhausted, I am going to wonder why I stayed up past my bedtime watching the Blind Melon "No Rain" video, talking with you clowns about whether or not the Bee Girl died but how it's probably just a vicious rumor like when the Cha-Ching Guy supposedly died," and that is exactly what happened. I just don't know.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

CCHCRC, Day 11.

When I first read this review I was like, "Uh, I'm so sure you're 12, bmacleod, and own a copy of M*A*S*H." But then I saw he was from Canada.

One more word out of you Mr. Reede, or I'll hold trouble, August 18, 2001
Reviewer: A 12-year old viewer "bmacleod@ns.sympatico.ca" (Antigonish, Nova Scotia, Canada) - See all my reviews
I seen that video [Halloween Costume #11] and he is silly and it is a cool video.
On the part when he was at work the guy in a black beard holding the book yelled, "One more word out of you Mr. Reede, or I'll hold you into trouble," because he was being silly and folish and wasn't behaving at work when he sat down yelling.

The video [Halloween Costume #11] looks like videos out of mine like Far & Away, Black Beauty, Grease, All in the Family, M*A*S*H, Pay it Forward, Cowboy Way, Home Alone & Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

Halloween Costume #11 is the most exciting one yet, as it holds up to three variations! Just kidding about the exciting part.







A Liar! A Lawyer! A Guy Who Wants to Lie But Can't!


See, not exciting. But certainly versatile, and I particularly like this one because under the guise of being Liar Liar you can tell people what you really think of them, which is that you don't like them, and that they are dumb.

Great, March 25, 2001
Reviewer: Jeremy Dillon - See all my reviews
It mainly makes fun of how lawyers lie. That's a good part. And he isn't allowed to lie. That's the best part

The beginning is hilarious: The teacher asks everyone what their parents do. She asks, "And what's your dad?" He replies, "a liar." I thought that was the funniest part ever. And his wife even cheats on him. Because of always lying. And she likes this other guy, and she almost divorces her husband (the one Carrey does) and it's the only way that he left the court.

Here's another funny thing: He can't EVEN write what color the pen was. Then he had a bunch of "BLUE" on his face.

And this girl asks him for advice to breaking the law.
I'm gonna have to not say anything about that. Because it's the best part of the movie. (I'm sorry, I hate to interject in these masterworks of insight, but how many best parts can this movie have? Seriously.)

And the son's wish: That his dad can't lie for a full day. The sad part: He breaks a promise in part of it. And he was about to make him "un-wish" that.

Then it was time his wife was on the airport, but he REALLY wanted to stay with her. She got real nervous whenever she saw him. You shoulda seen what she did whenever she took that wrapper off.

And the deal with 'the claw.' She talks about how it impresses the kid. And how it's one quality of him. For anyone wanting to see the making fun of lawyers, this is for you.

The only flaw: The bathroom humor whenever he beats himeself up.



Liar Liar-A funny movie that isn't "crazy", November 25, 2001
Reviewer: Ethan (Franklin, Wisconsin) - See all my reviews
This is a AWESOME movie, it has Jim Carrey in it, but he isn't crazy like in his other movies, thats a great PLUS. It's about a man that loves his son, but because he is a lowyer, he has NO time for him, even though he would say promise. Not only is this lowyer, a lowyer, he is a lowyer that lies like crazy, if you have this on DVD collector's edition you get the un-cut part where he lies like crazy, and I mean crazy, and wins the case. Now his son wishes that he can't lie for ONE day, plus with hes wife thinking about going to Bosten with her ex-boyfriend, he's life turns around for the bad. He makes it funny by over-acting and he has to tell the truth, he can't not say nothing. In the end, he wins the case, his wife, and Max.
Acters are very good:9.5/10
Fun, it's a fun movie:9/10
Movieplay, it's not long for a movie:5/10
Sound, it's just right with each secteon of the movie:9.5/10
Overall it's a good movie:9/10

The best jim carrey movie ever!!!!, April 28, 1999
Reviewer: A viewer
This movie really lick ass, never seen anything like it!!!!!


Now your Halloween costume can lick ass, too!!!

You See What That Whip Done? You See What Your Sweetheart Done?

We all know, now, that Mary Cheney is gay, after John Kerry cruelly, viciously outed her during the third presidential debate.

She is gay.

But could it be true that the vice president's wife, Lynne Cheney, is also gay?

I'm About To Just Fucking Lose It

I'm not sure if anyone has been following the flak around Eminem's new video for "Just Lose It", but basically it features Eminem dressed up as Michael Jackson and makes fun of the following aspects of Jackson's public persona:

-The time his hair caught on fire during a Pepsi commercial shoot
-The time he got a bunch of plastic surgery on his nose
-The time he fucked a bunch of kids at his house

In typical Eminem-related fashion, this video has caused a minor uproar in the hip-hop community, or at least in the mainstream media representation of the hip-hop community, because in reality I don't think that many people care. In fact, I think that a lot of the people who might actually be considered part of the hip-hop community think that Eminem is too goofy and mainstream-pop to take seriously anymore, as one listen to "Just Lose It", with its fart jokes and weird Pee-Wee Herman refrains, will demonstrate. The suburban white-boy teenage community is a whole other story. But, I stop digressing: BET has officially pulled the video from its rotation, and Source magazine has denounced Eminem and the video. Much of this is stemming from Jackson's own public outcries in which he calls the video blatantly racist. It seems that racism is the argument that BET and Source are also using to defend their positions.

What I'm confused about is their use of the term "racist". If by "racist" they mean "personally offensive and embarrassing to Michael Jackson" then I agree with their usage completely. But that is the only definition that seems to fit. One can call the subject material and images of the video offensive, distasteful, over-the-top, or cruel, but I'm really hard-pressed to find anything racist about it. Everyone knows it is Michael Jackson because Eminem wears that red-sequined jacket and white glove, and also everyone knows that Michael Jackson fucked kids in his house. I'm really not buying the argument that this is denigrating to an entire race and/or culture of people, nor do I think that even one single person made the tremendously long-legged intellectual leap that would be required to link some kind of retarded jab at Michael Jackson to a jab at anything other than Michael Jackson.

Now, if Eminem dressed up like Michael Jackson and then there was an equal sign and then a picture of a monkey and then another equal sign and a photo of, say, the Million Man March or perhaps the Montgomery Bus Boycott, then I would say "Bravo, BET, Bravo indeed. Boo Eminem. More totally not-racist reruns of Sanford and Son and The Jeffersons."

About Abject Poverty

Bus 174 UPDATE: Boy was I wrong about that one! You think by watching the first half of a documentary you know what it's about, but nothing could have prepared me for the joy and happy fun times of the second half. Ha ha ha. When that poor hijacker got himself caught in a death trap after a miserable life of abject poverty, I thought "this is a bummer". Well, thanks, second half, for the dancing and the music, but most importantly, the good times.

Good times.

After getting my haircut yesterday, Cookie, my hairdresser, talked me into buying this "dressing," that is the word she used, that is normally used on black people's hair. I wasn't sure this morning if it should be applied dry or wet, so I looked at the instructions, and it helpfully informed me "apply to hair as needed". But the best part was that this stuff smells exactly like the first bottle of mousse I ever got back in Junior High. I wasn't really sure what you were supposed to do with mousse because I'd never used any before, but I knew that the ultimate goal was to make your hair not move ever, so I just put a shit-load in and slicked my hair back. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I wish I had a fucking picture of that day. (In a special outreach moment towards my less self-assured readers, please know that for as much as I make fun of you, I am only lashing out because of my own insecurities. That's not really true, but I did look like a fucking tool back in Junior High, kind of like how you look like a fucking tool now.) I have this very vivid memory of standing outside after lunch and someone saying, "Future-Worker #3116, what did you do to your hair?" and I responded, "It's mousse, man. I got some mousse in it today." God. If I could, I would kick my own ass.

One day I'll have to tell you about my first pair of Skidz, or my treasured "Homie the Pig" sweatshirt.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Just One Simple Wish

We've already touched upon this phenomenon, but I really hope that now that Interpol's "Slow Hands" is on MTV all the time, that Interpol get really popular with the Greek Society set. Seriously, I want to see a girl in sweatpants with the word "Juicy" across the butt singing along. I want to hear this conversation at the next kegerator:

"It's a pretty sweet song, man, you gotta admit."
"Yeah."
"What's that mean?"
"What?"
"Interpol?"
"I think it's a place in Europe. Like a country or something."
"Man, Europe is crazy. I heard if you go over there you just drown in pussy man."
"Yeah, but they don't shave shit over there."

That is what I want.

CCHCRC, Day 10, Everyone Is Watching!

At my work, on the Thursday before Halloween, there is going to be a costume contest in the cafeteria. I keep telling people in my department that I want to videotape it, but they always just ask me why and tell me that that is weird. No, what is weird is wearing a costume to work and competing in a costume contest in the cafeteria. That is fucking weird. Today at lunch someone said that every year they have worked here, it seems there are fewer and fewer participants. "All the better," I said, "because it's the real die hards who make the best footage."

Does she talk about her sex-change operation?, October 16, 2004
Reviewer: Black_Hole_Sun (Seattle, WA) - See all my reviews
In this new book, I give it 1 star because I was hoping to read about her sex-change operation that turned her into a woman. Still has a major Adam's apple, though

Halloween Costume #10:









Ann Coulter!


If you dress up as Ann Coulter for Halloween I will argue with you a lot, and then I will fuck you, and then I will feel weird.

The most historical book ever, October 17, 2004
Reviewer: Kirk Davis (Oslo) - See all my reviews
To say Ann Coulter is sharp is to suggest that at one end or the other she comes to a very fine point. It would be an appealing assertion to make, especially if you were talking about her head-end, because that would be hilarious. And awesome.

This book is THEMAN!?, October 16, 2004
Reviewer: THE MAN!? "JIMBO" (Fijay, USA) - See all my reviews
this book is poop. I dont no how to read, but i can gauruntee you that that if you read it, you will turn into a cucumber. Though it comes with a free coupon to Chucky Cheeses, the only thing in this book are words. She even spelled republican wrong, she is a silly box. DONT BUY THIS BOOK, save your money for 6 flags tickets, a burger king happy meal or gas money to reach your nearest wallmart supercenter.
THEMAN!? aka Jimbo the Grate

The Bright Light Knows No Pain: Monkey, Squirrel, Kiwi, October 12, 2004
Reviewer: Uncle Ned Owen "kotzebue" (Definitely) - See all my reviews
If this were not the book that it is, it would be a different book. Fortunately it provides everything you might think it would but then you have the answer to your question. It is the answer that drives us. Seek and ye shall find, or if not, then wander in darkness, mumbling to yourself "why me, why me, why me, oh monkey, squirrel, kiwi."

Ann "Iggy" Coulter: A Biographical Sketch of Triumph, October 10, 2004
Reviewer: Stewart Hockenberry (PA United States) - See all my reviews
Ann Coulter's "How to Talk to a Liberal" heralds a triumphant return of a true prophet of our times. Her most recent work is a renewed call to arms for fighting liberalism wherever it lurks. For those of us who have devotedly followed her journey from the very beginning, there is a shared sense of pride that is engendered as we find her craft now burgeoning into a mature, finely-honed thesis of uncompromising moral fortitude. No, Ann has not lost her edge nor her ability to incite the ire of decadent liberal reprobates-quite the contrary-but my how far she has come since her wild and wooly days as a peerless provocateur.

Of course I'm referring to Ann's previous career-indeed her previous life--when she was still a "he" fronting the proto-punk band, the Stooges, under the name of Iggy Pop. Who could have guessed then from some of her earlier anthems like "Penetration," "I Wanna be Your Dog," "Loose," "Rich Bitch," and "Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell," that Iggy had a hidden feminine side imbued with fierce nationalistic zealotry (perhaps there are early clues in "his" song "Ann" from the Stooges first album)? It was not until later during his faltering solo career that Iggy released "I'm a Conservative," the song that served as the blueprint for his later idealized life as a woman diving into the mosh pit of right-wing revolution:

"I smile in the mornings
I live without a care
Nothing is denied me
And nothing ever hurts
I got bored so I'm making my millions
When you're conservative you get a better break
You're always on the right side
When you're conservative
You walk with pride
Pride is on your side
And it would mean so much to me
If you could only be like me"

That was all long long ago now. Since then-the subsequent drug rehabs, methadone clinics, the sex change operation in Denmark, and the years of hormone treatment and exfoliations-Iggy has metamorphosized into Ann. Now closing in on 60 and having survived years of heroin addiction and unprotected poly-sexual debauchery, Ann is still ambulatory, verbal, and radiant as ever. Seasons change but the spirit remains. Only in America can one so totally re-invent oneself-although her simple, powerful message of domination in master-slave relationships rings true now more than ever. There is no doubt that underneath her snappy power suits and gaudy jeweled accessories still lies a rippled torso with stainless steel nipple rings.