Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Worker #3116 Fingers You and Others

Look, I'm over the whole "Corporate Casual Headline of the Day" thing, because believe me, you were never half as bored by it as I was. But when you see a lead-in sentence like "Tatum O'Neal Fingers Melanie Griffith and Others" how can you not post that fucker on your fucking diary on the fucking internet?

The misleading headline is all about O'Neal's upcoming dish of an autobiography, A Paper Life, but I'd like you to just note that one of these things is not like the others:

"So just what does Tatum O'Neal reveal in her new autobiography, A Paper Life? Well, let's see ... She says Melanie Griffith took her to an opium-fueled orgy when she was just 12 (mildly scandalous). She says that same year, then-17-year-old Michael Jackson (sweating profusely) kissed her, then jumped up nervously, said 'Uh ... gotta go,' and ran away (why you gotta pick on Michael? just kidding, I know why). She says her dad, Ryan O'Neal, was so jealous when she won an Oscar for Paper Moon and he didn't, he punched her (confirms previous accounts, but scandalous as she was only, what, eight?). She says her ex-husband, John McEnroe, and her mother, actress Joanna Moore, both beat her too (shame! scandal!). (McEnroe has denied it.) And she says Woody Allen hurt her feelings by criticizing her table manners (WTF?)."

Anyway, sorry I got you all wet and excited. Go back to your shitty life now.


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