Wednesday, November 17, 2004

The Retard Dress Code and G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G Unit

Last night at the gym there was a retarded guy walking around on the indoor track. This is not a snide remark about someone wearing short shorts and lace-frilled ankle socks. This is a real, dyed-in-the-wool retard, with the ill-fitting pants, and the floppy dinosaur arms, who kept crying out "wooahhhhhooooooooooooo" every couple of minutes. Obviously, I loved this guy, because he was having a better time walking around an indoor track for half an hour than I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE. But it did get me to thinking: why do retards always wear such weirdly ill-fitting clothes. I mean, I don't know that I've ever seen anyone other than a retard wearing jeans that were simultaneously too tight and too loose, pulled chest high, with an elastic waistband and elastic ankle cuffs. And this is always accompanied by some shapeless rugby shirt that is twisted halfway around his shoulder. Is it because the people who help dress retards want to make sure everyone can tell from a distance? So that they don't get lost in a crowd? Do any of you retards know the answer to my question?

Meanwhile, in rapland, I am once again fascinated by the costs of keeping it real. As I'm sure you have heard, at Monday night's taping of the Vibe Awards, an unknown man approached Dr. Dre as he was waiting to receive a Lifetime Achievement Award, and, out of nowhere, took a suckerpunch at the good doctor. Instantly, a riot broke out, with mobs of people (including 50 Cents and his G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G Unit posse) throwing punches and chairs at the man, who was being shielded by a struggling security crew. The man was eventually ushered backstage where he was stabbed by an unknown assailant. Twenty minutes later, the Vibe Awards continued. Now, the LAPD has issued a warrant for Young Buck's arrest in the stabbing. This obviously leads one to try and enter the mind of Young Buck, who has had a couple of hits this year (most notably, "Shorty Wanna Ride" with Lil' John, and "I'm a Soldier" with 50 Cents) off his debut album Straight Outta Cashville, and whose status as a member of G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G Unit leads one to believe that his star is most definitely ascendant, and take a moment to imagine this thought: Yes, I have a burgeoning rap career, but someone tried to hit Dr. Dre. I will go to prison now. Young Buck? More like Young Fucking Idiot! Am I right am I right am I right or am I right?


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