Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I Like My Coffee The Way I Like My Women: In Bed

Yesterday at the gym I was doing the deltoid machine and just trying to think up coffee jokes, like, "A gangster likes his coffee the way he likes his women, iced." That's the only one I came up with, though, because I was interrupted by this girl who was like "Aren't you Worker #3116?" and I was like "Yeah, oh, hey, how's it going?" And then she was like "I just got back from teaching English in France, I'm looking for a job, this gym is nice, BLAH BLAH BLAH." I'm like, "Look, you know how some people feel bad when they run into people they used to kind of know because they can't remember their name, and not remembering their name is rude? Well, clearly we're in that type of situation, except it's not so much that I feel bad as that I feel BORED. Stop talking to me!" Then I was all, like, SIT UPS! SIT UPS! SIT UPS! until she got the point.

Deadbeat Père Update: Deadbeat Père called me last night, once again turning off his caller i.d. Why does he think this is such a great trick? No one else does it, so it's not like I don't know who's calling. But the poor guy has been calling once a week since September, so I begrudgingly answered the phone. That is why it was so "cute" (read: retarded) when he was like, "Well, now that I've reopened the lines of communicati—" Stop right there! You didn't open shit. I'm the one who's been ignoring your calls, dumbass. Ha ha. Whatever. It reminds me of dinner with my family last week when my brother saw that I was wearing the chain wallet that Peter Hamtramack gave me (you know, the one he designed at his famous design job) and my brother was like "What is that?" and I was like "It's a chain wallet," and he was like, "You're wearing a chain wallet?" and I was like, "Yeah, man, it's the '90s, chain wallets are totally in again," and he was like, "That is so unfair, if I had worn that you would have made so much fun of me and made me feel so bad about it," and I shook my head and looked hard at him before saying, "All these years and you still don't get it! I make the rules, not you. I'm in charge."

Also, did anyone watch the Real World: Philasmellphia last night? What is up with Shavonda a) being afraid of retarded kids, and b) thinking that it is acceptable to be afraid of retarded kids because everyone has irrational fears. They're retarded, and they're seven, and she's like "It still makes me feel uncomfortable, but I'm trying to conquer my fear," because some retarded kid was mean to her once when she was little and so she thinks that kids with CEREBRAL PALSY are inherently mean. This is so crazy, it is the craziest. She did not make herself look like any less of a horrible fucking bitch when she then went on to say "This morning we have to do the thing I hate most in the world, which is wake up early. I mean, it's a good cause and all, it's nice that we're doing it, but it fucking sucks that we have to get up early." I'm no big proponent of public service because I don't like helping people, but even I am capable of getting out of bed one morning in my luxurious televised life without throwing a tantrum about it.

You retarded kids, you be nicer! I will help you when I feel like getting up is when I say!


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