Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Pray With Me For The Secular Soul Of Karate Teacher #3116

My favorite karate teacher is always inviting me to church, and I'm like, "Um, apparently you haven't noticed my controlling interest in the world monetary markets and my near stranglehold on the media?" Then I'm all, like, "Dude!" and I do this thing where I use my index finger to trace my gigantic, bony nose. If that doesn't work, I put two fingers up behind my head and wiggle them to indicate the horns that I cover with my devious, wiry hair. But last night, before he invited me to church, something happened that may have really soured our relationship. He was like, "Have you read this book, Treason by Ann Coulter?" And I was like..."Um, no." And he was like, "What do you think of her?" And I was all, "I don't really like her very much, sir." And he was all, "Oops! Okay, we'll just put that away then." Then there was this really long awkward silence. Now, what he didn't know was that last week he had me run and put something in his locker, and I saw the book in there then, too, but I told myself that maybe a friend was making him read it, or maybe he found it on top of a dead homeless person with a note attached telling him to give it to the woman what which loved [the homeless person] during his life. I knew it. I knew it all along, I just, I don't know...I figured he probably contributed to the Tragic Events of 11/2, and I was willing to accept that, but there's something about reading Ann Coulter books that...okay, let me put it this way, it's like if you voted for Bush then you might still just be a recreational drinker, but if you read Ann Coulter books, you're the guy who gets so drunk at a party that all your friends are embarrassed and you end up trying to hit on your sister before giving her a black-eye. He's still my favorite teacher, but when the student becomes the master we are going to have to have a talk.

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