Friday, April 29, 2005

WEEKENDTIMES!

I'm not trying to ruin any surprises for anyone, but this is basically what your weekend is going to look like, with possibly different outfits. Does this look fun to you? WELL DOES IT?

This Is That One Where Neilgene Makes a Face and Gets Pointed at for Making a Face, or Maybe He Makes a Face Because He Gets Pointed at. Who Knows What?
This Is That One Where BKBigFish Is High...High on LIFE!
This Is That One Where OKTiger Is So Skeptical and Above It All Forever While Smoking a Cigarette
This Is That One Where the Boy Stevil Dances SexDance with the Girl Stevil
This Is That One Where What's Up Four Bears Waterpark!
This Is That One Where McCullen!
This Is That One Where Can You Believe This Picture of Classic Emma? It's Like She's Having So Much Funtimes! Hi Classic Emma!

My Secretary of Defense

It Is True Because I Say It Is True

Worker #3116:...

A Game of He Said, He Said

No amount of context will make sense of him anymore.

Clown Coffee: Not everyone agrees with you. Do you have a dvd set of you at home? You're not the most popular whatever-you-are in the all times.
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: I'll say it again, you're not the most popular whatever-you-are in the all times.

***

Worker #3116: I hear what you are saying in my ear.
Clown Coffee: Well, is it registering in your brain-hole?

***

And I'm not even going to mention the part in the Hot Caff during coffebreaks when he asked if he "could get some milk from behind?"

Open Book

Predictions for "Get With It, It's the 90's: Best Summer Mix 199?-2005" project:

MuttCat: Peter Pumpkinhead
OKTiger: Feed the Tree
Stevil: Smells Like Teen Spirit
ChineseJenny: Deep Inside
Neilgene: Workin' for the Weekend
Swimwhateverthefuck: Seether
Worker #3116: Runaway Train

Lumbar

This is that one where Mom #3116 tries to show Worker #3116 how to make his back not hurt no more! Notice how much Mom #3116 likes the fabric named denim!

Like this. Are you paying attention?

Why You Fat?

Reposted from e-mail received April 28, 2005

From: OKTiger
To: worker3116@gmail.com
Date: Apr 28, 2005 10:40 PM
Subject: why you fat?

i feel as if you must know what a sass you were in my dream.

so i was in honduras and the other side of the street was mexico and i got really confused as to where i was and then i got kicked out of the peace corps for being pregnant.

so i moved to new york city and you came up to me where i watch the ice skaters fall and sometimes you were you and sometimes you were my friend paul. but you were like, "why aren't you drinking hot chocolate?" and i was like, "i can't drink hot chocolate anymore." but i was really mean about it. and you were all, "let's go get sushi." and i was like, "I CAN'T EAT SUSHI. I HATE IT AND I HATE YOU." and you were like, "why you fat?" and i was like, "GO AWAY!" and you go, "you fat with a baby? you fat with my baby?" and i was like, "SHUT UP." and you were like, "you are fat. with a peace corps baby. you should be ashamed of yourself."

but in the middle of my exam this morning i was writing an essay about the pregnancy discrimination act, and i just had this idea of you being like, "you fat with a baby?" which i think is the way you should address your future wife or girlfriend when you get her pregnant.

Done, done, and done.

I AM SO JAZZED FOR THIS!

Last night I had a business dinner with Herb #3116 because I'm helping him write some stuff for his new business. We ate at Mississipi Smokehouse Barbecue Joint, which should be renamed Clownbq, or also "Epcot Center Presents Authentic BBQ Pit". But on the menu, they had a section titled "Jazzed Soups" so you can imagine that I was very jazzed to see this.

But then I got home and Weather Report was nothing but sass. She was all, sass this, sass that. Then we walked to some ice cream and we saw this man who is friends with my parents, and his two sons, and they started quizzing me on all this shit:

Worker #3116: Is that Dragon Ball?
Boy #1: No, it's Yu-Gi-Oh!
Boy #2: Woah! How do you know Dragon Ball?
Worker #3116: I know all kinds of stuff.
Boy #1: Do you know Yu-Gi-Oh!?
Boy #2: Yeah, do you know Yu-Gi-Oh!?
Worker #3116: I know it. Do you know Yu-Gi-Oh!: Duelist?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Boy #2: Do you know Pokemon?
Worker #3116: I know Pokemon.
Boy #1: Do you know Harry Potter?
Worker #3116: Know it.
Boy #2: Do you know Magic: The Gathering.
Worker #3116: Totally.
Boy #1: How do you know so much?
Worker #3116: I'm a lot older than you are. I've been to college.
Boy #1: Do you know Dragon Booster?
Worker #3116: No. You got me there.
Boy #2: Do you know Metal Warrior?
Worker #3116: No.
Boy #1: YES!
Boy #2: YES! WE STUMPED HIM!
[They give each other high-fives.]
Worker #3116: You guys are nerds.
Boy #1: Yeah.
Boy #2: Yeah.
Boy #1: I'm more of a computer nerd, and he's more of a game nerd.
Boy #2: More like Game BOY nerd!
Worker #3116: Ha ha.

(NB: The best part of this entire exchange was that the last thing Boy 2 said was said in that tone that you would use to make fun of someone, like "I'm special," "More like Special-ed!" except that he was saying it about himself.)

These are the boots Weather Report was wearing. They are for children!
Get Along L'il Weather Report


And then Stevil was trying to study and he yelled "I'm TRYING to STUDY" and I was like, "All y'all shut your mouths," and then somehow at some point I remember talking about seafood and Stevil said, "We're basically on a coast."

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Page Three-One-One-Six

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are dating!

Insert "he wanted to get a Piece of April" and "Minor Report" jokes here.

I NEED AN ADULT LOG10^10!

Apparently today is Take All the Kids to Work Day. The building is overrun with children, but they don't seem to specifically belong to anyone. From across the hall, Clown Coffee heard this choice line: "What? Oh, you don't talk to strangers? Well, that's good."

The Hot Caff had this giant stack of boxed lunches marked "Hot Dog" and "Hamburger" and "Grilled Cheese." YKW got very excited, but then sad when I had to explain that they were for the children, which he kind of didn't understand because he just kept saying "Hot dog! Hot dog!"

Then he got mad at something I said to him and he said, "I'm going to teach these kids something about throwing a tantrum."

Dena Done Gun

Dreamytimes!

1. M.I.A. was actually Australia-This-Australia-That wearing brown face. All I really remember was getting really, really angry and telling her that she could not do this, that she could not be M.I.A. Also, the guy who did her beats was really pale and ugly, and he kept getting frustrated with this solid black metal tower of machinery because it was spitting out beats that had uncleared samples in them.

2. I was a ghost in a gang of mischievous ghosts and we were being chased by mortal police. And the police were winning!

In the words of Weather Report: Oh no, no no no. No. No. No, no....no.........No. Oh no. No way!

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Bomb the Suburbs

"Lil' Kim's reps, in a request that fans send e-mails on her behalf asking the judge in her perjury case for leniency in sentencing: 'Do NOT criticize the justice system. Do NOT criticize the judge. Do NOT criticize the verdict. Do NOT criticize the court case or mention it in any way. Do NOT give opinions on what her sentence should be. Simply ask for leniency ... Do NOT mention Martha Stewart or any other celebrities (especially those in the music industry).'"
(salon.com)

Dear Judge,

This is Worker #3116, and I am writing you on behalf of L'il Kim. I really think that you should take it easy on her what with all your sentencing and stuff like that. Why? First of all, I think that she can fit a whole Sprite can in her mouth. I know, right?! Also let me ask you this question, which I think you might recognize from Law School as the socratic method: why not? Riddle me this, judge, what has L'il Kim ever done to hurt you? So why are you hurting her?

Look, judge, I'm not going to sit here forever and write you this email. You think you're busy, you should see how busy I am. I'm real busy. What I want is for you to let L'il Kim free, and if you don't, I think you might like to reflect on the precedent described in Free Mumia vs. Prison in which Mumia wants to be let out of prison. See what I'm saying? I'm not going to sink to the level of a lot of other L'il Kim fans and talk about Martha Stewart and Damon Dash and stuff. I'm going to appeal to your intelligence, and your brain: Do it because I say so. She's just a liar, judge. A dumb, slutty liar. FREE HER OR ELSE! It's not a threat, judge, it is simply an impassioned plea, and also do it.

This is bullshit, and everything about you is bullshit.

Loves you, judge.
Worker #3116

Like Doritos for Challah

Stevil and I are very confused by the flyers that have been posted up around town for some stand-up comedian who is billed as "Like Seinfeld for Frat Guys." Who the fuck needs that? Show me the frat guy who's sitting around in his Joe Boxer's with the smiley faces bearing lipstick-stain kisses, saying, "Seinfeld's alright, I guess, I just wish he would make more jokes that related to my life and what's important to me, namely fraternity culture. That would be some laughs."

"And what is the deal with 1/4 barrel kegs? It looks like a keg, but you couldn't even finish a game of quarters with it. 'Hey, you need me to pump that 1/4 keg for you?' 'No, I just pumped it three times and it's already tapped, brah!'"

They're Always After Me Lucky Charms!

Major mind-fuck of the day, thanks to imdb.com:

Sometimes Credited As:
Lindsay O'Lohan

Fascinating Trivia Funtimes DOUBLETROUBLE!

Entry: Adventures in Babysitting
Posted: April 27, 2005

As Pruitt is beating up the adulterer in the street, despite the sound effects, it's obvious that his punches are missing.

After Chris and the kids storm the jazz stage, in one shot the guitarist has his back to Chris and in the next he is facing her and looking curious.

I'm Your Girl, You're My Girl, We're You're Girls

On the way home from the gym yesterday I passed a Keyboard Store. That's all they sell, I guess. Keyboards. They have been there for a long time, but for some reason I only just noticed them yesterday, in large part because of the sign they had out front that read: Free Keyboard. Ask Inside. I did not, but it got me thinking about two things:

1. How can a store that sells only keyboards stay in business by giving those keyboards away? Perhaps I should have asked inside.

2. I had this really sharp memory of '80s comedies that featured scenes in the mall having really madcap slapstick that took place in keyboard stores. Is this true? It seems like all the '80s comedies that took place in malls took place in malls that were filled with single-purpose stores. Mattress Store. Keyboard Palace. Windchime Wonderland. So, I was really stuck on thinking about this when I remembered that my mall in the '80s had a store just for audio cassettes called Tape World, a store just for hats called Lidz, and a store just for music boxes (MUSIC BOXES!) called I don't know what the fuck, Music Box Place? Big Box of Music Boxes. Music Boxz! I don't know, but apparently all the malls in the '80s were just a place to get chased by keystone security kops and set off lots of very loud keyboard demos so that the manager of Keyboard Land would hold his head and make crazy face! Tape World was cool, though. I used to buy Ugly Kid Joe cassingles there. What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys. See you later. Can I have them please?

Meantime: I wanted to tell you all about the new Destiny's Child video for their song "Girl," which is basically a Destiny's Sex in the City theme. The song is about how no matter how bad your man treats you, you should never be afraid or ashamed to tell your best girlfriends about how bad he treats you, because they are your girlfriends, and I guess they expect you to be shacked up with some no good two-timing raw-dogg and they will laugh WITH you not AT you. But, so, I wanted to tell you all to pay very special close attention when you see the video for this part where Beyonce says something like "Girl, who you tryin' to fool, I've been knowin you for ten years," or something, but I did a search for the lyrics and that line isn't included anywhere, which means that a) Beyonce was ad-libbing this awesome line, and b) you will just have to watch the video extra-super-special-close because the face she makes is like a mix between the O face and maybe like the face you might make in some Celebrex commercial when you realize you can still enjoy riding a horse (or maybe one of those tampon commercials where girls who wear these magic tampons can't wait to go dancing in public)...okay? So that's her face, but now you have to imagine her hands, which are all fingers-splayed out in front of her, kind of pushing together, and here, too, is a combination of the way you wiggle your fingers when you want to show off your awesome diamond ring because someone in the world has finally decided to forgive your ugliness and love you anyway, AND the way you might press your hands close together in the air to summon a ball of pure spectral energy. BOOM!

See What You All Don't Know About Him
Is I Can't Let Him Go Because He Needs Me
It Ain't Really Him It's Stress From His Job
And I Ain't Making It Easy
I Know You See Him Bugging On Me Sometimes
But I Know He Be Tired He Don't Mean It
It Gets Hard Sometimes
But I Need My Man
I Don't Think Ya'll Understand
I'm Telling You

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Fascinating Trivia Funtimes!

Entry: Coyote Ugly
Posted: April 26, 2005

Everytime Violet passes the bouncer at Coyote Ugly, he is reading a book about college.

Half Pepperoni, Half Diamond Anklet

Worker #3116: Do you know what a 15-year anniversary is?
Clown Coffee: Pizza?
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: You mean, like, what you give someone?
Worker #3116: Did you just say pizza?
Clown Coffee: ...
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: No.

A Filmography

Bud Cort (b. 1948)

Harold and Maude: Harold
Coyote Ugly: Romero

Response

In response to Stevil's question re: the creation of the cube, a google search for "Cube Master" resulted in this discovery:

I Be the Cube Master


So...I guess it was this 13-year-old girl. What a bitch, right?

Drop Down and Get Your Eagle on, Exceptional Colleagues!

Here are just a few of the totally awesome and super appropriate songs that played in the background as employees walked up to receive their awards at the recent Employee Awards Festival:

Blackeyed Peas - "Let's Get It Started"
U2 - "Achtung Baby"
Houston (feat. Nate Dogg and Chingy) - "I Like That"
Terror Squad - "Lean Back"
Prince - "Pop Life"
Usher (feat. L'il John and Ludacris) - "Yeah!"
Nelly (feat. Christina Aguillera) - "Tilt Ya Head Back"

Clown Coffee asked me what song I would like to be played if I ever receive an award, and the answer is both obvious and highly likely: DMX - "X Gon' Give It To Ya"

Everyone Says Parrots Will Only Embarrass You, and That's Bullshit. It's Just So Unfair!

This morning, I was watching the MTVs when I heard some words that no one should ever have to hear: "Will I. Am." It would seem that the Peas are back, so, you know, underground bunker time until the nuclear winter of their awfulness passes.

Also: I am worried about Kanye West and you should be worried about Kanye West, too. It's been, what, one year since his awesome album came out? And he's getting set to release another. You can hear the first single, "Diamonds," on his website, or you can download it illegally on the internet if you are a thief and criminal. But, the reason I'm worried is that he hasn't really let-up at all between College Dropout and College Dropout 2: College Dropouter. He's been all over everything, all Kuff Daddy style, and the oversaturation is making his new album less the welcome event that it should be and more the "Wait, is this just Kanye Kanye, or is this Kanye producing Dilated Peoples or Slum Village or John Legend or Keysha Cole or Brandy or Jadakiss or Janet Jackson or what?" kind of thing. "Diamonds" is okay. Did you hear me? It's okay. Worry for him. Jesus walks, Kanye, but he also takes some fucking time off so that people aren't like "Jesus, this sounds an awful lot like you're getting bored."

Last night, McCullen planned his funeral. There will be a gospel choir singing Beyoncé's "Lose My Breath." I just like the part when the cortège is moving through the streets and the ladies are going "Ah-h, ah-h!"

Then he tried to convince me that raccoons could be domesticated because they're just "rabbits with claws." I don't think this is true. GOOGLETIME!

ADDENDUM: McCullen also tried to make the point that raccoons could be domesticated by pointing out, "Look at what everyone used to think about goats. They used to think you couldn't domesticate a goat. You can. You can domesticate a goat, and they're cute, too." McCullen=Master Rhetorician.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Fascinating Trivia Funtimes!

Entry: Cube
Posted: April 25, 2005

One of the earlier drafts of the script had the characters finding bizarre alien food. The idea was subsequently lost after it gave too clear a definition as to who was responsible for the cube.

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poel#3116

Hi, this is Amy Poel#3116, Worker #3116's so-funny wife!

Worker #3116 had a good weekend. On Friday night he had a dream about some Garfield comics from the summer of 2004. "Oh," Mom #3116 said, "isn't it sad how they produced these Garfield comics but then never ran them in the paper?" "OH, THEY RAN THEM ALRIGHT!" Worker #3116 barked back. "I should know, I've got them in a Mammoth Treasury." Worker #3116 thought this was a great dream, in large part because it was.

On his way to his grand parents' house for Jew Time, he stopped for gas and saw this sign:

"Crazy for Coffee. Try One of Our New Quesadilla."

Also: he has this to say about the new J.Lo song/video:
This is a bad song, but it does have a great line in it, sung/rapped by Fat Joe:

Get between me and J.Lo
I simply stay
You better off sweepin' leaves
On a windy day


The music video also has this shot of Fat Joe sitting on a tan-leather couch covered in plastic sheeting, with one of those onyx and gold-foil skyline wall hangings in the background. It is very "authentic" barrio living room-style, but I couldn't help being reminded of that Fiona Apple "I just got raped in Las Vegas and I'm lovin' it!" video from whenever Fiona Apple was alive, a million years ago. What I'm trying to say is that I think Fat Joe enjoys sitting on a plastic wrapped sofa in a poor person's living room about as much as Fiona Apple actually likes being touched by another human being. Good job, Fat Joe, at keepin' it real, but your whole "Me and J. Lo are just kickin' it because we're from the hood and that's how we roll and in real life J. Lo wouldn't be totally sickened by my fat rolls and the way that I treat her like a piece of gaudy jewelry that I didn't even think about before buying because I don't have to think about anything, ever," attitude is not really convincing me. You guys look about as natural as Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller in Along Came Stiller, which, now that I think about it, was anyone else totally weirded out by Hank Azaria's New World Order Hulk Hogan body? HANK AZARIA!

Inside joke of the day: You can imbue stuff with the power of the moon, and then it's fun.

Loves you, Poel#3116. When you divorces Gob we will be so happy. Sorry, Scarface, about your face and the scar on it.

Post-Seder Breakfast!

Mom #3116: What do you guys want to do for your 60th anniversary?
Grandma #3116: I don’t know. Nothing big.
Mom #3116: We could have a barbecue at the beach.
Grandma #3116: I don’t want to do that. You might want to do that, but I don’t want to.
Mom #3116: Okay, I’m just throwing out ideas. Do you want to do a brunch, or a dinner?
Grandma #3116: I don’t want to do a brunch.
Mom #3116: Okay, so we’ve narrowed it down to dinner, because if you don’t want to do brunch I’m guessing you don’t want to do breakfast or lunch, either.
Grandma #3116: ...
Mom #3116: What would you want for dinner?
Grandma #3116: I DON’T KNOW! Jesus Christ, would you shut her up?
Worker #3116: She doesn’t want to talk about it right now.
Grandma #3116: Thank you.
Mom #3116: She didn’t want to talk about it the last time I tried to bring it up, either.
Worker #3116: I’m sure that’s true, but she also doesn’t want to talk about it right now.
Grandma #3116: That’s right.
Mom #3116: Okay.
Grandma #3116: You see what I’m dealing with here?
Worker #3116: Yes I do.

Seder!

First Cousin Once-Removed #3116: My brother’s company has a new product on the market, Stain-Free RX, that will get out anything. He’s sending me a case, so when it comes I’ll give you a bottle. But it’s really incredible, red wine stains, blood stains, it gets all of it out.
Mrs. First Cousin Once-Removed #3116: Red pop!
Mom #3116: Thanks, First Cousin Once-Removed #3116.
Worker #3116: How about...red...berries? Red berry stains?
Mom #3116: Worker #3116 wants to know if it will get out berry stains?
Worker #3116: Red berry stains.
Mom #3116: Red berry stains.
First Cousin Once-Removed #3116: Yes.
Worker #3116: Red ink?
Mom #3116: Will it get out ink?
Worker #3116: Ask him about red ink.
Mom #3116: Red ink.
First Cousin Once-Removed #3116: If it hasn’t set, then probably.
Worker #3116: Wine you’ve already said. How about red paint?
First Cousin Once-Removed #3116: I don’t know about paint.
Worker #3116: But red paint?
First Cousin Once-Removed #3116: ...
Worker #3116: Marker? I guess that’s like ink. Red magic marker?
First Cousin Once-Removed #3116: ...
Worker #3116: Red juice? Juice is different than wine or pop. How about juice?
First Cousin Once-Removed #3116: ...
Worker #3116: ...
First Cousin Once-Removed #3116: I’ve got his number if you just want to call him.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Don't You Wanna/Dance up on Me

ha ha.

amazing, February 22, 2005
Reviewer: the neptunes - See all my reviews

this was an amazing movie too watch. that has a nice storyline, and lindsay lohan acts pretty good.

Fascinating Trivia Funtimes!

Entry: Thorn Birds
Posted: April 22, 2005

According 'Rachel Ward' , the water that Ralph and Meggie were swimming in on Matlock Island was ice cold.

Superstop Him

This new temp who is in the cube next to me has been talking non-stop for ten minutes about Supersize Me. I heard him saying, "He had to eat McDonald's every day, and he...he documented it. And he gained forty pounds. It was really crazy. He had to eat everything...he...uh, he had to eat everything on the menu at least once. In the first week he gained 17 pounds." At this point I was like, "You are killing me, new temp," and I put my headphones on, but I just took them off for a second and he was still going: "I just didn't, I was surprised by how in-depth it was about nutrition," to which my co-worker, Donny Deutsch, who was listening, said "Yeah, they don't teach you that in school."

I feel like that part in that one movie where that thing happens to that guy that is so sad you get sad, too.

Not Good Enough. Not Okay.

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush on Friday named Marine Gen. Peter Pace, who quietly helped shape the Pentagon's role in the global war on terrorism, to be the next chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

...

Bush also said he was nominating Navy Adm. Edmund Giambastiani Jr. as deputy Joint Chiefs of Staff.

After stumbling over Giambastiani's name several times, Bush said to laughter: "He shall be known as Admiral G."
(New York Times)

UNACCEPTABLE, Mr. my President the Bush! UNACCEPTABLE, people who laugh at Mr. my President the Bush as if this was a cute little mishap. So unacceptable. You all get this:

This is what you get. In you face hole!

I Am Willing to Sacrice Everything, Including Breakfast and/or Reading a Magazine for Jesus!

FINALLY! THE NEW POPE HAS SPOKEN!

Spain is trying to pass this law saying that being gay is not the worst thing ever, and that when you are gay and you get gay married that it's not that big of a deal, even though it's totally sick but it's not a big deal because lots of things that people do every day are really sick like being fat or ugly. There's no law against fat people getting married! (Obviously there should be, but the pope has only been pope for a few days, he cannot change everything right at once, he is no Ben Hawkins!) So, but, the pope has finally ended his long, three day silence, with a declaration that all Christians should stand opposed to this law that gay is okay because it is so not.

Here is my other part I like to tell you:

"This is not a matter of choice: All Christians . . . must be prepared to pay the highest price, including the loss of a job."

Hmm. Seems like the "highest price" has been devalued in recent years. Was a time it was death and also death by fire. No more. Hear that McCullen? Are you willing to give up that job that is the best job, the one you have? It is the highest price, but is the highest price too high? Just kidding, gay-mo. You have sacrificed enough already, like any hope you had of getting into heaven.

Call the Fire Department. Call Everyone! The Attack Is on!

I had to mail something to les grand-parents #3116 yesterday, so I'm all standing in Mailbox Lovers' Lane and there's two other people waiting ahead of me because this guy in a cheap suit is making the cashier do everything for him. He makes the cashier put his items into envelopes for him, he makes the cashier type up all the addresses on the computer for him, he FEASTS on the free candy in the free-candy-bowl, and he barters for everything. "How much does that cost? It's not cheaper than that? Could it be cheaper than that? What do you mean the padded envelope is not included in the shipping cost? Well how much is the padded envelope? And how much is the shipping again?" This would all be really annoying, but what made it really INSANE was when he made the cashier put a little jewelry box and a typed note into the padded envelope. "How much is insurance?" The cashier told him after 100$ it was 1$ per 100$ of insurance, as much as he wanted. "And how much is the shipping again?" The cashier told him 10$. "Okay...(more candy)...10 dollars? Okay...give me 14 dollars more insurance. So 1500$ insurance." He was sending a 1500$ diamond engagement ring through the mail and he was bitching about a 1$ padded envelope. And candy, always candy.

Then I went home and started a grease fire. This is for real. Do you know what fire looks like? Well now imagine that in my house contained in a pot! That will teach me to go to the bathroom while trying to make a pizza.

Inside joke of the day: I can't stand having to work with all these goddamn coconuts!

Also, this is what it looks like when you're not around:

I wear crazy makeup on the outside because crazy makeup is how I feel on the inside

Thursday, April 21, 2005

RISE FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE, CCHOD

I know that I long ago retired the Corporate Casual Headline of the Day, but this struck me as something that deserved honor:

Abdul says odd behavior not drug-related
(USA Today)

I'm not going to reprint the full-text here, but there are two parts I like best:

"Drugs? I'm not addicted to pills of any kind," Abdul says in the new issue of People magazine (on newsstands Friday).

Abdul, 42, says she has been battling chronic pain that began after a cheerleading accident at age 17 left her with an injured disc in her neck. The pain got worse after "a couple of car accidents" in the 1980s and a plane crash in 1992, which led to seizures, bulimia and depression, she says.

First of all, um....okay, do I really need to say anything about the first one? Pills? Probably not...but also, a couple of car crashes AND a plane crash? This is the most accident-prone woman ever, and that's including OK Tiger. The whole thing, the headline and text bits, it's like, Paula can say whatever the fuck she wants, but we all know what she did in Malaysia, with her hamburger retribution episode, and the throwing stuff and stuff...

But my very favorite thing about this is that it offers up a nice Point-Counterpoint.

Point: Abdul says odd behavior not drug-related
Counterpoint: We are related to Adbul's odd behavior, say drugs

My Eyes Is Going Crazy

The world's gone all topsy-turvy!

If you were reading the New York Times health pages these days, you would know by now that water is now bad for you and should be avoided at all costs, divorce barely even exists and is mostly a figment of your imagination, and today they have discovered that fat not only provides more cushion for the pushin, it's also doctor recommended and really awesome!

Lucky you, obesos!

Shut Down 400

I'm feeling a little let down by the promise of capitalism today because once again I have made a purchase, and once again I have awoken the next day to find that my life has not enjoyed the complete and instant transformation into wonderland of eternal happiness that said product indicated it would. I suppose now I will just have to wait until something better comes along that I can buy and then, maybe, I'll find true and everlasting happiness once and for all. Probably at Best Buy, or J. Crew (them's where all the best happinesses is).

I want to say more, but the words just feel empty in my mouth. Seriously, I thought this was the last purchase I would ever have to make. I thought I'd...I'm sorry. I can't.

They say 'The more things change...' but they don't. Things. Don't change.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Thanks A LOT, Jason Molina

Now I can't tell if I'm having a totally Songs: Ohia day, or a totally Magnolia Electric Company day. Which is it?

"Killing Me Softly with Stage 1 Hypertension: A Memoir"

Clown Coffee had a very good suggestion, which is that now that I have beaten Stage 1 Hypertension, I should get drunk one night and write a memoir about my experiences. Here are some potential titles:

"My Month with Stage 1 Hypertension: A Memoir"
"Not Today, Death: A Memoir"
"Running with Stage 1 Hypertension: A Memoir"
"Stage 1 HyperLIFE: Facing Down the Devil, My Month with Stage 1
Hypertension: A Memoir"
"Cheating Death: One Man's Living Nightmare: A Memoir"
"Dead Man Walking: A Memoir"
"Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Stage 1 Hypertension: A Memoir"

Knock Knock Knockin'

It's already been widely covered by the media that the new Pope is a Nazi. Literally. But no one seems to have mentioned that in less than 24 hours since being anointed Pope, he has already come down with some sort of terrible Pope-disease that makes you look like death and also makes you die soon.

Sad Pope Is Sick

"YOU JUST BETTER START SNIFFIN' YOUR OWN
RANK SUBJUGATION JACK 'CAUSE IT'S JUST
YOU AGAINST YOUR TATTERED LIBIDO, THE BANK
AND THE MORTICIAN, FOREVER MAN AND IT
WOULDN'T BE LUCK IF YOU COULD GET OUT OF
LIFE ALIVE"


Also: because I just can't seem to shake my burning need to criticize the New York Times' Op-Ed page this month: Is Maureen Dowd the Reginald Hereford Eugene Shalitshire of political pundits? Every one of her opinions has the crappiest tabloid-style pun headline. Here are a few of my recent faves:

"Smoke Gets in Our News"
"The Passion of the Tom"
"The Vatican Code"
"X-celling over Men"
"Taming of the Shrews"
"Where's the Road Beef?"

I do not say this lightly when I say that, clearly, she must be killed.

Don't Holla Back Girl on the Internet

I always sort of got the impression that the people on myspace were the ones who had so clearly failed to find true love with friendster that they thought they'd just go for broke, internet-wise. Seriously, that site really feels like scraping the bottom of some kind of disgusting barrel of desperation, and my impressions of this are only made stronger by the messages I keep getting from the most hit skanks. I'm not really that into "art, chilling with friends, and Hoobastank." I know that it took a lot of bravery, Lisa, Andrea, and Gabrielle, to have written to me. I know that culturally it is the man who approaches the woman in these kinds of situations, and that your desire for my hot bod was simply too much to leave waiting in anticipation. But certainly you must have gotten the sense from the black cynicism of my profile that your bravery would not only be disregarded, but also disdained. KNOW YOUR PLACE, SAD, UGLY WOMEN.

That being said, I have found my new girlfriend, Shelly, on myspace, and I have a feeling it's not going to work out. "Why not, Worker #3116?" you ask. "Was she not everything you desired: employed, female, of age?" Yes, yes, yes. I will put it in terms that you can understand. Blue. And. Green. Yin. Yang. Tattoo.

Also: did anyone see/hear the new Gwen Stefani song, "Hollaback Girl"? Does it kind of sound like maybe someone happened upon M.I.A.'s Piracy Funds Terrorism mix-tape? Does it kind of sound like Gwen Stefani is making M.I.A.'s brand of Bollywood-Garage-Hop "awesome" in the way she made "ska" "awesome"?

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Ahmed-5 Alive!

"With the reins in one hand and a whip in the other, the purple-jerseyed rider prodded a camel around the track. But this jockey wasn't the usual underfed boy. The jockey was a robot."

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Rebound Pope

I don't really think things with Benedict XVI are going to work out...he's just a rebound Pope to help the Catholics get over John Paul II. No, this will just fizzle out. It's the next serious Pope who'll finally make an honest woman out of the church.

Inside joke of the day: Don't ever, EVER, blaze on the land of the Pokémon.

I HAVE HAD IT UP TO THIS POST WITH YOU

A VERY SPECIAL MESSAGE TO MY ANONYMOUS COMMENTERS:

YOU ARE RETARDED AND I HATE YOU.

BE A MAN ABOUT IT.

Et Tu, Lohan?

THE fiery redhead who famously told People magazine, "I love my red hair. I would never cut it," apparently doesn't mind changing the color. Lindsay Lohan's Titian tresses are no more, replaced by bottle blond. "She only dyed it temporarily for a movie role," her spokeswoman said. "It's easier to do the real thing than wear a wig." Lohan tested her gentlemen-preferred color Saturday night at Level V on Michael Jordan, May Anderson, Steve-O, Shannen Doherty and Charles Oakley.
(New York Post)

Jesus Christ, are the stars misaligned or what? Why can't anything in my life just go right? I'm so close to dropping you, Lohan. Just keep trying me.

It's a Party!

Brother #3116: One day I'm going to come to your karate class and mock you.
Worker #3116: What do you think, that you'll be protected by shatter-proof glass? I'll just come out into the audience and destroy you.
Brother #3116: It says, "Spectators Welcome!"
Worker #3116: It says, "Spectators Welcome at Their Own Risk!"
Brother #3116: I'm just saying...
Worker #3116: I'm just saying...
Brother #3116: You better protect your pride.
Worker #3116: You better protect your body.
Mom #3116: What are you guys talking about?
Worker #3116: Happy Birthday Mom #3116!

How long do you think I have to wait before I can go to the grocery store on the pretext of buying more Balance Bars and red onions in order to flirt heavily with my new girlfriend, Shelly? She knows that I am in possession of 15 Balance Bars and one bag of red onions. Is three days a believable amount of time to consume these items? Could I make two seem convincing?

Monday, April 18, 2005

Drop Down and Get Your Eagle on, Mom!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM #3116!

Awoooooooooh! Scared? Confused.

On the way to the grocery store yesterday to see my new girlfriend, Shelly, McCullen spotted what may be the best bumper sticker ever: "Blood Is Thicker Than Water, and Much Tastier!"

Apparently, Vampires drive 1991 Ford Tempos.

You Are All Like, "Wha!"

At lunch I was telling Clown Coffee the "If you don't cum soon," story, and then he told me this story:

He knew this guy named Chip in Philadelphia who was very good looking, very blond, and very dumb. One night Chip picked up a guy at the bar and took him home. This guy was basically like Chip. They get home, the lights are off, and Chip starts fellating the guy and then he hears: "Yeah, suck it. Suck my big black cock."

Did I mention that everyone in this story is white?

It Was Terror. It Was Terror.

First off, best headline ever.

Pleasure Cruise Turns Nightmare
CHARLESTON, S.C., April 18, 2005

A pleasure cruise to the Caribbean turned into a terror trip for thousands of passengers when their ship, the Norwegian Dawn, was crushed by a freakish seven-story wave while trying to return to New York from the Bahamas over the weekend.

Windows were broken, dozens of cabins were flooded and the ship had to be diverted to South Carolina for repairs before finally arriving in New York on Monday morning.

"The ship was hit by a freak wave that caused two windows to break in two different cabins," Norwegian Cruise Line said in a statement. It said 62 cabins flooded and four passengers had cuts and bruises. The wave reached as high as deck 10 on the ship, company spokeswoman Susan Robison said Sunday.

Newlyweds James and Gina Fraley were on their honeymoon when the wave hit.

"We were in our stateroom. We wouldn't leave because the water was so rough. We couldn't walk. We were going back and forth," Gina Fraley told CBS' The Early Show.

"It was terror. It was terror," said her husband James. "We called our loved ones thinking it was the end."

The 965-foot vessel returned to New York Harbor on Monday and docked at its berth on the Hudson River, after stopping in Charleston harbor for repairs.

Bill and Ellen Tesauro said they went to the ship's casino when waves started slamming the vessel.

"We figured it would take our minds off this (and) that's when the captain announced that drinks are free all night," Bill Tesauro told the Daily News of New York. "But then there was another horrendous slap on the water."

The panicked couple decided to return to their suite.

"A desk went flying across the room," Ellen Tesauro said. "And a glass table toppled down, with glasses and food on it."

The cruise line said passengers whose cabins were flooded were flown home from Charleston and the safety of the ship "was in no way compromised by this incident." Each passenger on the ship got a refund of half the trip's cost and a voucher for half the price of a future cruise, Robison said.

The ship left New York on April 10 with 2,500 passengers aboard. Robison said about 300 passengers decided not to return by ship from Charleston. About 100 were flown back to New York and the rest made their own arrangements, Robison said.

"I rented a car and drove nine hours," said Fraley, who kissed his driveway in New Jersey when he got home. "No more time on the Titanic for me."
(CBSNews.com)

Okay, let me get this straight: two windows broke, four people got a bruise, they were offered free drinks and basically a free cruise, and this is a nightmare? Where's the razor wire and the predatory feral babies? Also, the part that you didn't see was this little box on CBS' website at the end of this story with links to cruiseship employment opportunities, discount cruiseship travel sites, and the official Norwegian Cruiselines website.

HOTLINKS.

You Want to Fuck Me, I'm Going to Fuck You Harder

So now we can do other things, since we did that thing we had to do first.

I have a new girlfriend! Her name is Shelly, and she works at a grocery store! Ooh-la-la! McCullen and I went to the grocery store yesterday and Shelly gave me a free bag of red onions, and then she only charged me for 10 Balance Bars, instead of the 15 I bought. That is a savings of five dollars on the Balance Bars alone! I told McCullen that the next time I go to that grocery store I should ask her out. I should say, "Hey, I've got seven dollars with your name on it. Let's go to the Massage Station and I'll buy you six minutes in heaven! Plus tip!"

I loves you Shelly, I want to make something delicious with red onions and Balance Bars for you, since that's like our thing, like our little private romantic thing.

Inside Joke of the Day: You had me at "I'm lonely."

And Then I See a Darkness

Before we can do anything else we have to do this:

Weather Report has a friend from school who has been off-and-on dating this guy named Sean. Yesterday, on the phone, Weather Report asked her friend if she was still seeing him. "I'm not returning his phone calls," she said, "so, no." Weather Report wanted to know what the deal was with this, so she urged her friend to tell her what Sean had said. After some long prodding this friend admitted that in flagrante delicto, i.e. while sexing, Sean had said, "If you don't cum soon, I'm going to rape your asshole."





















"If you don't cum soon, I'm going to rape your asshole."

Every once in a long while, an event occurs that changes the very air you breathe, and the ground you walk on. For me, this was one of those moments, for though I have thought of many different things in my lifetime, I would never, had I been locked in a room for a thousand years with no one for company but SpaceHam's box of stroke mags, have been able to imagine this sentence. Much less while sexing. I think that it's the final hole that really sets this one in a world all its own. Ass, maybe. Asshole? Who says that? Intimately? Needless to say, this has become an instant classic around 1307, including but not limited to: If you don't give me the remote control or at least change the goddamn channel soon, I'm going to rape your asshole, and also, What are you trying to do, rape my asshole? Close the door.

Sometimes, though, you find yourself just saying the original...and I promise, every time that you do, the feeling of unbelievable newness (and also fear) will overtake you.

HELLO, WORLD!

Friday, April 15, 2005

It Ain't Easy Being Krugman

I'm not sure what it is about the New York Times' photographic representations of its regular Op-Ed columnists lately, but just answer me this one question:

If Jim Henson's Creature Shop was assigned the task of making an "economist" muppet, would it look like Paul Krugman?

Waka-Waka-Waka!

Meta Diary

[Clown Coffee and Worker #3116 take a walk through the parking lot. Clown Coffee smokes a cigarette.]

Clown Coffee: Oh look! A goose!
Worker #3116: You're right.
Clown Coffee: Hello, pup—Hello, goose.
Worker #3116: Did you just start to say "Hello, puppy" to that goose?
Clown Coffee: Shut up.
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: Oh no.
Worker #3116: What?
Clown Coffee: I just get this feeling now, when I know you're going to write about something in your thing.
Worker #3116: No. I don't even think I could figure out a way to make this work.
Clown Coffee: ...
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: ...
Worker #3116: I guess I probably could.

N.O. Scott

Apparently, one Mr. A.O. Scott has been getting a little jealous of the intimacy me and my girlfriend, Manohla Dargis, have achieved in recent months. Look at his bald-faced attempt to win my affection in the very first sentence of his review of House of D:

The reasons to avoid "House of D," David Duchovny's earnest, unwatchable coming-of-age drama, can best be summarized in a simple declarative sentence. Robin Williams plays a retarded janitor.
(A.O. Scott, writing for the New York Times)

Sorry, A.O. I think you're pretty cool, but I'm not into dudes, especially Jewish dudes.

Oh, to Be a Fly on the Locker

GYM TIME!

Old Man 1: I'm going to go stretch.
Old Man 2: Upstairs or downstairs?
Old Man 1: What?
Old Man 2: Upstairs or downstairs?
Old Man 1: What?
Old Man 2: Are you going to stretch upstairs or downstairs?
Old Man 1: Downstairs.
Old Man 2: Okay, I have to go upstairs to get a pop, and then I'll come down and find you.
Old Man 1: I've got a pop for you. In the truck. But it's not cold.
Old Man 2: What kind is it?
Old Man 1: What?
Old Man 2: What kind is it?
Old Man 1: What?
Old Man 2: What kind of pop is it?
Old Man 1: Diet coke. Caffeine-free.
Old Man 2: I'll take it.
Old Man 1: What?
Old Man 2: I'll take it.
Old Man 1: I'll take it, too. I've got one for me. I have two pops.
Old Man 2: Okay, I'll come get you when I'm done changing.
Old Man 1: Okay.
Old Man 3: Where's the fun in pop without caffeine?
Old Man 1: What?
Old Man 3: I said, where's the fun in caffeine-free pop?
Old Man 1: At my age caffeine is one of the bad drugs!
Old Man 3: Mine's alcohol.
Old Man 1: ...
Old Man 2: ...
Old Man 3: ...

Woah, Look! It's Bleeding!

First thing I heard when I walked into the office was PantSuit talking to one of the guys working on rewiring another section of new cubes. "Legionnaire's disease...viruses...careful."

My visit to analysis was rather uneventful yesterday. He cut my time short, so I didn't even get to talk about the stuff I wanted to talk about. But on the upside, you know you're getting ripped when your analyst interrupts you to tell you that your body looks incredible. Ha ha ha. Let the healing begin!

Inside joke of the day: Yunh! Yunh! N-nh.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Fat Don't Crack

Clown Coffee: Is Clip better looking than me, for our age?
Worker #3116: Are you kidding?
Clown Coffee: I mean, does he look younger? Because I just found out he's my age, but I always thought he was younger.
Worker #3116: I see. I don't know. I guess, maybe, but I think it's as much in the way he carries himself as how he looks that makes him seem younger than you.
Clown Coffee: Right, and as I always say, fat don't crack.

Also: we got cruised in the Hot Caff today by a table of women. Yowza! They probably smelled my spring scent, Polo Ralph Lauren Romance Silver. That, or they were whispering to each other about Clown Coffee's funny little prance-walk. He was really working it on his way to get more water in his paper cup.

Woe Is Him

Both CNN.com and ABC.com are reporting on the upcoming ban of cigarette lighters anywhere on airplanes. You can still bring matches...so...you've got that going for you. They are predicting millions of confiscated lighters within minutes of the new ban going into effect. You should get any travel you wanted to do with a lighter done right now. But anyway, I really like the picture CNN.com used to accompany this article:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
I so sad. They took my lighter. Now I have no one. I have nothing.

He Didn't Quite Say, "This Short Chinese Bitch Said I Look Good in Muscles," But He Stood Next to the Guy Who Said It

So, I've been watching HBO's The Carnival on the On-Demands because I only have a week left to watch the entire second season. I'm very likely not going to make it, but that's beside the point. What's right inside the point, and is actually the point, is that last night's episode featured Ben Hawkins's visit to his grandmother, and the whole thing has a very Deliverance feel to it, with crazy backwoods, cannibalistic, moonshine-drinking, creepy cousins and stuff. But so, this one bearded medieval guy is talking to Nick Stahl (Ben Hawkins) and there's something about him that's all familiar but I can't quite figure it out. I'm like, "What's all familiar about this guy?"

LIKE BUTTERSCOTCH!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Remedial Post

HIT IT!

5-Year, Fixed-Rate Lease on Life

Since being undiagnosed with Stage 1 Hypertension all the colors are brighter, food tastes better, and Amerie's "1 Thing," is like the angels singing. Not in a Welcome-to-Heaven way but in a Life's-Mildly-Better-When-You're-Not-Dying-from-a-Fatal-Illness-You-Got-Diagnosed-with-at-Your-Employee-Health-Benefits-Fair way.

I've looked death in the face and I've said, "Not today, death!"

Cutting Room Floor

Here are just a few of the subjects that I have considered writing about in my diary today, but which have not made the cut:

-My love of Amerie
-This crappy fake logo I saw for Apple's upcoming OS X Tiger that just had a stock photo of a tiger in it and said "OS X Tiger" in Helvetica above it
-Clown Coffee's comparison of the guacamole in his lunch to the way the inside of my underwear looked
-An interview in the new issue of Blender magazine in which Eminem says "I wanna kiss Vivica [Fox]" and how that's so juvenile and awesome
-Britney's pregnancy and her reassurance that everything is great
-Lindsay Lohan's jealousy of my love for Amerie
-Avril Lavigne's jealousy of my love for Amerie
-Nina Skye's indifference to my love for Amerie and my frustration with Nina Skye

It Was Broken, Now It's Fixed, SHHHH. I'm Here, Babies.

Shhh, I'm here, babies!

For some reason, the people on the television always say the dumbest stuff if I'm watching the television with McCullen. Like last night's viewing of The Surreal Lifes in which Chyna was supposed to be in this kung-fu movie they were making or something and all she had to do was say "I'm making the perfect reality soup." Instead she said, "Oooh, I make a soup a so spicy! I make-a the sandwich!" When she had to do another take she just said "Mmmmmm....oooooooooooh......please the pepper!"

This of course is not as good as the retarded thing that girl said on MTV's Inferno II: Inerfnoer, when she was talking about how conniving everyone in the house is: "You want to fuck me, I'm going to fuck you harder."

YES!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

If This Is a Merit Increase What Does That Say of My Merit? That It Is Awesome!

Looks like a certain someone's going to be pocketing an extra $15 EVERY WEEK!

Mr. and Mrs. Clown Coffee, Sitting in a Tree, E-A-T-(T)-I-N-G

[Clown Coffee's nemesis is sitting at a nearby table. He weighs about three hundred pounds and has a sausage moustache.]

Clown Coffee: Look, it's a table of hideous people. You don't have to be hideous to sit there, but it sure wouldn't hurt.
Worker #3116: Oh, there's your nemesis.
Clown Coffee: Yup.
Worker #3116: One day you're going to make out with him.
Clown Coffee: (Gasps) Take it back!
Worker #3116: No.
Clown Coffee: Take it back. You made me take back that thing yesterday.
Worker #3116: That was about someone who was not here to defend themselves, and you wished them dead.
Clown Coffee: I did not.
Worker #3116: You said they didn't deserve to live.
Clown Coffee: That's different.
Worker #3116: And you told me I was going to get cancer.
Clown Coffee: If you make fun of your mom you're lucky to get away with only cancer.
Worker #3116: I don't make fun of her, I tease her.
Clown Coffee: Take it back.
Worker #3116: You're going to make out with him twice.
Clown Coffee: That's not fair.
Worker #3116: Three times. You want another? You want another?
Clown Coffee: Look, you're—

[I hold up four fingers.]

Clown Coffee: What is that?
Worker #3116: Four steamy nights.
Clown Coffee: Can you stop it. What you're doing is totally repulsive. It's making me sick. Which is how people feel when they look at you, or think about kissing you.
Worker #3116: Ha ha.
Clown Coffee: You're nasty.
Worker #3116: Shut your mouth or you two will be enjoying a commitment ceremony.

Three Bullets, Two Hours, One Big Ass Waste of Time

My trip to the doctor this morning was like passing a bill through Congress. I've lived a nightmare, friends and enemies.

When I go there they were showing Good Morning America on the waiting room TVs. First there were these women talking about sexual satisfaction, and the only part I heard was this very insistent voice exclaiming "And you DON'T need a man to be satisfied!" I heard the collective thwp of all the dudes' balls falling out of their bodies onto the floor and then the crk of their wives crushing them. Which, speaking of: then there was this kid from the Make-a-Wish Foundation who is apparently "best friends" with Mariah Carey, who was getting ready to perform a new song from The Emancipation of Mimi. How come all the kids from the Make-a-Wish Foundation want to meet totally inappropriate celebrities? This guy was a white, all gangly and blonde hair and awkward face looks. Also, do they get issued an ill-fitting denim jacket in the cancer ward? Because they've all got them.

But then I was called in for my physical. While I was waiting in the examining room I noticed a poster that said "Is someone hurting you? Our health care professionals can help." Let's just say you should all be expecting a phone call from a very concerned party in the near future. Then, okay, my doctor was twelve years old. And he used the term "indie rock" in our first five minutes together. After checking me out he then disappeared for a half hour in order to read the book on how to be a good doctor and know what you're doing. Get this: I don't have Stage 1 Hypertension, I don't have testicular cancer, and I'm not fat. WTF? I was like, "Look, pal, medical school, schmedical school. Who do you expect me to believe? You, a trained physician, or my employee health fair?" He was like, "I'm going to have to re-read my doctor's training manual on how to respond to what you just said."

I guess I dodged three bullets today, but it took two hours to do so. Let this be a lesson to everyone: don't ever go to the doctor. It's boring and it takes too long.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Out of Control

Look, there is no love lost between me and the current administration or whatever. Boo! Bush bad! Ha ha. Anyway, right, okay, I get it. And yeah, he's totally dicky with all his new nominations, and John R. Bolton as the US envoy to the United Nations is not only a slap to/slash/mockery of that institution, but it's a diplomatic false-step considering how isolationist he's been in his prior roles as ambassador and overall jackass. I could know more about it, but I'm too lazy to, so hopefully everything I just said is basically correct. That's not even the point of all this at all. The point is LIBERALS, cut it out!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


You painted words on a sheet to wave at a Congressional hearing? Get your shit professionally made at Kinko's. Your anti-Hoover demonstration ended over seventy years ago. I'm, like, totally not into the handmade t-shirt and the "I'm going to speak truth to power, but first I'm going to have a hearty serving of organic muesli" self-righteous aesthetic. If it was just you who looked like an asshole (an asshole that, incidentally, kind of looks like another asshole: Julia Butterfly, that horrendous tree-hugger [literally]) it would be one thing, but you're even making me look like an asshole, and that is something I cannot abide by.

In the words of your boyfriend, Dave Coulier, Cut It Out!

Report on the Weather, not Weather Report

It seems like people are in kind of a bad mood today, but they don't know why. Well, I do, so here is why you people are in kind of a bad mood today:

Last week, y'all were all excited about the spring stuff, like, "Oh, wow, spring is springing and all, now it's warm and so great!" But now that it's been consistently warm for awhile, and looks like it will stay so, you've all realized that your lives are the same, and by the same I mean kind of sucky.

66°F
Feels Like
DEPRESSED°F

Big Mac, Fuckin Big Macs

McDonald's recently posted an offer to rappers that if they mention McDonald's products in their raps McDonald's will give them some money or a bunch of hamburgers and stuff. The first rap has come in, from Gatbustaz. Here is a sizample:

I tell you what I want
Beef patties' what I want
Big bum's' what I want
Great bitch is what I want

Big mac, fuckin big macs
I like big macs like a ho likes big dicks
shove one in their move, they damn are lovin it


Obviously, my favorite line is second from the bottom, although "I tell you what I want, Beef patties' what I want" is pretty superawesome as well. Anyway, I have to go now because I'm so hungry for delicious McDonald's.

Sit Over There Where I Can See Your Traditional Masculinity More Clearly

Finally, the paper of record, the New York Times, has addressed the phenomenon of men putting their jackets between them when they go to a movie. This is my favorite thing. "We're totally not gay, we just wanted to see Fever Pitch. I'm a big Red Sox fan, and my bro Derek here is majorly into superhottie Drew Barrymore. AND, as you can see, this chair between us symbolizes our heterosexuality. Would two gay guys sit with a chair between them? NO. They'd sit in each other's laps!" Whatever. I think I like it because it's what I imagine super closeted gay guys would do, while they were courting behind their wives' backs. You know, before the eloping and commitment ceremonies and stuff.

Obviously, though, straight guys should never leave the house. Anyone can think anything out there.

It's Just Another Heartache on My List

I don't want to get all Garfield on you, but Mondays like these are very hard. Why? Because the weekend was so boring that I have nothing to entertain you, my public, with. I've got no ideas! No thinkings in my heads!

Friday was fine. To give you an overall sense of the evening, I was talking to Weather Report on Saturday morning and my voice was all harshed out and I said, "You know, I think I yelled a lot last night." She concurred that I had. Most of this yelling occurred at Brother #3116's girlfriend's birthday party, where I kept telling children to shut up and wish her a happy birthday. I almost got in a fight with this kid in a t-shirt, but I didn't because it wouldn't have really been a fight, and then McCullen had the fucking balls to back that other kid up instead of me, because he wants to do it with him. I'm seriously not okay with this, not because my reason for almost punching someone was very good, but because I take care of my house, and in return expect a modicum of loyalty. When I brought it up on Saturday McCullen laughed and said that it was what I deserved. McCullen is dead to me.

In other news: Ricky Martin has a new name, and that name is The Guy From Matchbox 20.

Also, I liked the part on the phone with IAmJamieSabuda last night when he was telling me about how he had a job at Dunkin Donuts this winter and had to walk five miles each way to get there because he doesn't have a car and then somehow the fact that I lived in Queens when I used to live in New York came up and he was like "Queens?! That's so out of the way, why did you live there?" When he said this, his voice echoed in the one-room studio he shares with an air-mattress and a fold out card table. I told him to go fuck himself, but he already had. Zing!

I wasn't kidding, Mccullen. You are dead to me.

I don't wanna be angry no more
You do know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don't wanna be lonely anymore
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Friday, April 08, 2005

This Is My Desk! This Is My Diseases!

Pant Suit has this thing about the crawlspaces of our building housing terrible deadly diseases. Now that all the cubicles have been moved around she came over to see my new space. "I like it," I said, "because it doesn't have any fluorescent overhead lighting."

"Yeah," she said, and then pointed to a hole in the ceiling where two tiles had been removed for rewiring. "But with that big hole in the ceiling up there all the ebola virus is going to fall on your head. And Legionnaire's Disease."

She did not laugh, she only walked away.

Whistler's a Motherfucker

There is a whistler in my building. Whistles in the hall, whistles in the bathroom. "Tremolo this, tremolo that." The problem with Public Whistlers is that they live in a delusional fantasyland where they think everyone is thinking "Wow, they have such a beautiful whistle! So warbly! How wonderful of them to share their God-given gift with the rest of us. Sure brightens up these dull dunn-colored halls, like a flamingo flying across a cloudy sky." In reality, everyone is thinking, "Will someone please shut that faggot up? What does he think this is? Summer camp?"

And when I'm peeing, dude? Enough.

Worker #3116 Not a Whore, but I Post a On-Line Diary So Good, You Gotta Tell Your Boys

I feel like I've moved into a new apartment and my boxes aren't unpacked and there's no phone line and my friends aren't calling and the kitchen is making a weird sound and one of my neighbor's apartments smells so bad that its seeping in through my bedroom window. But what a view!

The new Will Smith video is out, and...I know this is kind of an obvious observation, but isn't he basically Steve from Blues Clues, but to rap? Every time he releases a new rap now it's like, "This would be great for my kids, when I'm too tired to take care of them...he's got such friendly beats and unthreatening rhymes!" Granted, when he was actually a rapper and not a blactor, he was already kind of the black man's Pee Wee Herman, or the thinking man's Humpty or something...all those goofball antics and silly rhymes about reversible slacks. Back then he didn't have a rep yet. Now he does. Which version of WS was better off?

In non rap news, Dale Messick, the creator of the Brenda Starr comic strip, has died...so I guess we'll never get an answer to that eternal question, "WTF?" I remember when I was in junior high I used to like to read the comics page, mainly for C&H, Ft, BC (not B.C., a-holes), etc, and I used to like to cut out Brenda Starr every once in awhile for its awesome non-sequitors...Here is just one example of why BS will be so greatly missed:

R.I.P. Dale Messick, For Eva'
R.I.P. Dale Messic, For Eva'

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Look! The Internet!

HI BABIES

What's the Deal with Airplane Food?

Hieeeeeeeee.

Boy, having a new on-line diary sure is hard. This must be what Thomas Friedman felt like when he moved his column from diaryland.com to the New York Times!

Anyway, I know everyone is all real sad and stuff that I'm leaving livediary, but don't be! There's awesome times ahead ladies! This is the f-ing internet for gosh's sake.

Byeeeeeeeee.

I've Got an Opinion You Must Know

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I love this picture of Thomas Friedman. Busy, busy, busy! The life of a world-famous columnist is a difficult one. Must stay on top of things, must know the goings-on of the world. You think it's easy? You want to try living ONE day in my shoes? I don't think so, buddy-boy. Back to reading, reading, reading. Think, Friedman, what does it all mean? Must know. Time to write!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Morning Zoo

Man DJ: In other news, Tupac is still dead.
Woman DJ: No he ain't.
Man DJ: Despite reports on CNN.com that Tupac was going under a false name and recently gave a press conference—
Woman DJ: Where, Jamaica?
Man DJ: It is a hoax. I called CNN this morning, they said it's not true. Tupac is with the angels.
Woman DJ: It's not true.
Man DJ: With the angels, making music.
Woman DJ: Tupac wasn't never with the angels.
Man DJ: Where was he, then?
Woman DJ: IN JAMAICA, DRINKING A PINA COLADA.

Also, BIG CHANGES soon to come to Corporate Casual. Nnn....IT'S EXCITING!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Kapow, Kapow, Feed Me Some Soup

How about gunning down a wild boar or gazelle from the comfort of your own home office?

Live-Shot.com, a company offering exotic big-game hunting on the Internet, will allow you to do just that, starting April 9. The company is based in Texas (where else) and conducts operations on a ranch outside San Antonio. According to a report in today's Christian Science Monitor, lawmakers in 14 states, including Texas, are currently trying to ban the practice, which, needless to say, has stirred up a bit of controversy.

John Lockwood, the developer of the new site, tells the Christian Science Monitor that part of his vision is allowing access to hunting for people unable to get out into the woods, including the wheelchair-bound. "The idea of hunting this way doesn't appeal to me," he says. "Most of us love getting into the field. But there are many that cannot."

But thanks to the new system by Live-Shot, a person can control a camera and a firearm, shooting at real targets in real time, from a computer anywhere. According to the organization's site, a 30-day membership costs $14.95, with additional charges per individual shooting packages. Currently, the site only lists prices for its paper-target packages—but apparently when the virtual ranch expeditions start up, getting a hold of your trophy won't be a problem: For an additional fee, the company will ship the meat or head off to the customer who pulled the trigger.
(salon.com)

Cigarette Break

[A leaf falls and hits Clown Coffee in the Head.]

Worker #3116: Ha ha.
Clown Coffee: I shouldn't have taught you to laugh at people. It makes you a worse person.
Worker #3116: No it doesn't, and I don't think you taught me to laugh at people. I was doing it before you ever showed up.
Clown Coffee: Oh, I highly doubt that.
Worker #3116: You don't know anything.
Clown Coffee: I know lots of stuff.
Worker #3116: I bet you can't name three things you know. Go ahead. Name three.
Clown Coffee: ...
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: I know how to drive a car. I know three things. Of course I do.
Worker #3116: That's only one, and it's a skill, not a fact.
Clown Coffee: Oh, you're too smart for me, Mr. Logic.
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: I know how to go pee, boy style.
Worker #3116: Wow!
Clown Coffee: And girl style.
Worker #3116: See. You don't know anything.
Clown Cofee: ...
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: Let's go back...inside the building.
Worker #3116: Okay.
Clown Coffee: That's something else I know how to do, thank you very much!

How Do I Look?

It hasn't been hard for me to get to sleep the past couple of nights because I don't have a cold. But it would still be nice if someone would think sometimes to get me a dose of CamoPM, the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so you can get to sleep malt liquor.

Because Stevil has taken to jogging, I think McCullen is starting to feel the pressure of a house in-shape, and so he's started doing aerobics in his room. And by aerobics I mean dancing along to a videotape of his parents doing the "Thriller" dance in 1984.

And this week, on a very special Corporate Casual, I've switched over to my spring/summer fragrance. Goodbye Michael Kors, hello Polo Ralph Lauren Romance Silver. Friendster me, ladies.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Your Mom Has a Fat Uterus

What was supposed to be a typical mid-afternoon water run to the Hot Caff resulted in a new insult and a show of absolutely disgusting piggery.

First, there are lots of changes afoot on the 5th floor of Building 1, with people sharing offices while the cubicles get all moved around. Clown Coffee is in an office with Clip (aka Newer Guy), which is painted yellow. We stopped by their office on the way to water and I asked Clip how the office was treating him and he said that it reminded him of being in the womb. My first thought was "Woah, big womb!" But I didn't say it because I thought he'd think I was calling his mom fat, which I was, in my head. Then I explained this to Clown Coffee and he didn't get it, which resulted in my new favorite insult.

Finally we made it to the Hot Caff and I'm filling up my water bottle when I see Clown Coffee lunge at the vending machine, gripping its sides with his legs and his hands plastered against the glass, all the while grunting, and shaking it until a bag of Sour Cream & Onion Sun Chips fell. What a monster! Then he walked through the whole building, going, "Hey everybody, look what I got, FREE!" Just what he needs, more chips! And so close to swimsuit season!

Typing, typing, typing, hard at work, must work harder to get my paycheck, here I am, at my desk, look at how clean my desk is. Efficiency in mind and body!

Conversation Stoppers

This guy, let's call him Temporary Worker-Permanently Homosexual, is talking to PantSuit, and he said something about how some woman he dated used to have hair like "that," and about how she used to put rollers in her hair. Then, in this voice that I really wish I had the linguistic know-how to translate to you, he said, real slow, and kind of with this funny accent, "Do you ever...wear...rollers?" He then went on to add that it was torture, so, see his nickname for explanation.

Do you guys have any pets, or maybe do you go grocery shopping sometimes?

Because I Don't Have a Cold, This Is Not What I Have to Say

To give you a sense of where things are heading, Friday night saw the invention of the whiskeytini, which involves sitting at a table in a straight bar with a used martini glass yet to be cleared, and pouring Jack Daniels into the glass from a bottle someone has hidden in their pin-covered shoulder-bag. I think that's how I didn't get the cold that I don't have.

Meanwhile, in my never-ending search for true love on the internet, I've discovered the thing about friendster.com and myspace.com that makes them totally awful and absolutely useless tools for discovering the true love I so desire to discover. You simultaneously learn too much and too little about potential soul mates. For example, before even meeting/talking/interneting with them you know that they are into some crappy band like Dave Matthews, or that they describe themselves with poetry, but you DON'T know whether or not they're actually attractive. It's like entering a relationship where you're already kind of tired of the person, but you're just trying to make it work because you're too lazy to find someone new. Except more uncomfortable and awkward because you met them by pointing your browser to http://www.thisisthebesticando.com.

Also, how come no one told me how good MTV's Inferno II was? On the Realest World everyone knows they have to live together in the house for six months, so they all try to "understand each other's feelings," and "work on learning about themselves." Not on Infernoest II! The fucking gloves are fucking off. Because all the contestants are from different seasons of different shows, and because there is an over-arching air of competition to everything, every episode is basically like that one Thanksgiving where Grace smashed Risa's keyboard on the ground and one of the awesomest fights of all time exploded...an awesome fight that I still have on tape if anyone wants to come over sometime this week with some beer. Oh, and then at the end of one episode there was a little snippet of a Saturday Looks Good to Me song and I was all like, "Wha!"

Finally, what was up with my dream about going to a George Carlin show? Did my subconscious lose a bet?

Friday, April 01, 2005

Carpe Boring

See subject.

Perfect As Is

Dear False Tabloids,

As you read this letter, I bet you are asking yourself: Who? Who, me? Am I a false tabloid? Well, I don't know. But after this posting, I hope you are asking yourself a lot of questions. Your employees are a reflection of your magazine. Do you, Us Weekly, In Touch, Star and other desperate magazines want employees who are honest, or those who are liars? It seems to me that you'd prefer the latter. I'm really concerned about the people you hire to work at your companies. I'd like them to ask themselves the question, "What am I lying to myself about?" Is it that you are 50 pounds overweight? Is it that your children aren't making wise decisions? Or is it maybe that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you? Until you face what is going on in your life, I guess you'll remain a false tabloid.

Britney

P.S. People Magazine is great in my book!

Self-ImpWUvement

Ask yourself this, if I met the RZA would he like me?

Adjust your shit accordingly.

Flirting with Disaster

In reading the New York Times on-line this morning, I found myself looking through their slideshow of Terri Schiavo related photographs, and I was stunned to find this unlikely supporter:

Funny-man, Ben Stiller!
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He was all, "Along Came Stiller! Culture of Life!"

There Is No Four Beer Thursday

Three Beer Thursday was going fine. It was nice to see Classic Emma, and I think that our ideas for our audition tape for The Amazingest Race are solid. At various points there will be a compass, a pair of walkie-talkies, and a stop-watch involved. Also feats of strength. We're not quite sure what our motivation is, because money and getting on television don't seem like they have that "it" thing that producers are looking for. Some other ideas that have been scrapped:

-To show the African peoples how to lead a good Christian lifestyle
-To build up a nest-egg to help us start our separate families
-To put our friendship skills to the test

But so then three beers deep into TBT and it's off to some bar to see Australia-This-Australia-That (AtAt), and Risa. It was at that point that everything went horribly awry. AtAt is far too enamored with the idea that we have a fun antagonistic relationship, not realizing that my antagonism is real and she is not fun. But the real crux of the problem was that suddenly TBT had become FBT and there's no such thing as FBT. Everyone knows that. So my body was all like, "nunh-unh," and I was all like, "Nunh-unh," and everyone was like "What's the matter?" and I was like, "We're going against nature."

Meanwhile, everybody's making money but me, with their big ideas, and their fingers all on the pulse of youth.