Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Are You Keeping Track? Are You Keeping Track? Cuz I Am Not!

I don't remember a lot of things, but I do remember these things:

1. Getting round-kicked in the elbow and promptly suffering from a severe case of elbow cancer.

2. Chopper Corey, S. Middlekauf, Rod, and a bunch of other black-hooded-sweatshirt wearing kids arriving at a party and Mary Fiore saying that she felt like "The bad kids [had] just showed up," after which the bad kids promptly built a two-foot-high gravel and broken glass mound in a driveway, blocking in all the cars.

3. Fluorescent green shoelaces. Mission accomplished.

4. Rachel's car getting towed and then the part where we got into a cab and the cab-driver said "Worker #3116?" and see addendum on cab-driver below.

5. Mémé #3116 using her now classic line, "If I was a little bit younger, and not your grandmother, I would make a pass at you."

6. Shooting the bottles with the b.b. gun one-handed so that I am elected Zombie Apocalypse Team Leader, but then having Australia-This-Australia-That keep yelling fucking "FLOWERS!" at me so that I know on the day that the Zombie Apocalypse does come—which is soon—I will only be mildly sorry that she got eaten by the zombies in so much as I would feel bad watching any human life extinguished in horrific gore before my eyes. But nothing more than that. Flowers this.

7. Coming to work and having one of the first things to come out of Clown Coffee's mouth be: "You want to fuck around, you've got to fuck through me."



Cab-driver Addendum: When Cab-driver and I were in Elementary School, he invited me over to his house to play a superhero based roll-playing game. I'd been really intrigued by roll-playing games because my cousin had given me a rule book for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles roll-playing game that was based on the original Eastman and Laird Turtles, who seemed pretty bad ass. When I got to Cab-driver's house, his mom had a diseased foot that she was soaking in Epsom salts, and there was a little barky dog that was apparently allowed to poop on the couch. Cab-driver's mom acted as the "Dungeon Master" or whatever you would call it for a roll-playing game about superheroes. Anyhow, the only thing I really remember was that every time one of us met a female character in the game, Cab-driver's mom would ask if we wanted to fuck the female character, and then we would have to roll the dice to see if we were successful. Talk about pressure to perform! Anyhow, later in the evening my mom called Cab-driver's mom, and I was not invited over anymore, because I was that kid.

First Lady

Mémé #3116: But she really has nice coloring. Say what you want, her coloring is beautiful.
Mom #3116: Well, she's a boring public speaker.
Mémé #3116: Gorgeous coloring.
Mom #3116: But she didn't know when she married him that she would have to give these speeches. She didn't know what she was doing when she married him.
Worker #3116: She knew exactly what she was doing when she married him.
Mom #3116: Oh, you mean because of his money?
Worker #3116: That's all women are after.
Mémé #3116: Was he rich back then?
Mom #3116: They've been rich for generations. Both Barbara and George Sr. are from wealthy families.
Mémé #3116: Well, you'd think with all that money, Barbara could buy a decent outfit.
Mom #3116: She has pearls.
Mémé #3116: FAKE! I'm telling you, they're fakes. Ugly. Yech.
Mom #3116: Watermelon?

Thursday, May 26, 2005

SPOILERS AHEAD!

Page 412 of I'm the Fucking Motherfucking Boss Around Here: The Life and Goodtimes of Worker #3116:

"I blinked hard, twice, and realized I was back in my room, in my own bed. The morning light poured gracefully through the diaphanous curtains. It had all just been a terrible dream. Or had it?


The End?
"

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Ha Ha

I've always been confused by a lyric in Ja Rule's "New York," in which guest MC Fat Joe raps:

And I was just about to find god
But now that Ma$e is back I think I'd much rather find a menage


I wasn't really sure what he meant by that...and the fact that he ran his finger down the scar on his face in the video when he got to this part didn't help clarify things. So this afternoon I finally went to urbandictionary.com to see if there was a definition for menage that I wasn't aware of, and I found this:

2. menage
a word that fat joe jus randomly put in his verse on NEW YORK

OKAY, THAT EXPLAINS IT!

My Favorite Are Episodes 3, 4, and 12

Actual Episode Titles for Remington Steele, Season 1:

License to Steele
Tempered Steele
Steele Waters Run Deep
Signed, Steeled and Delivered
Thou Shalt Not Steele
Steele Belted
Steeling the Show
Steele Flying High
A Good Night's Steele
Hearts of Steele
To Stop a Steele
Steele Crazy After all These Years
Steele Among the Living
Steele in the News
Vintage Steele
Steele's Gold
Sting of Steele
Steele in Circulation

"Man This Is Getting Scary, I’m Gonna Shoot Somebody!"

Monday night was the false alarm, what with the late night phone call and the frantic on-line search, and the empty handedness at the end of it all, sad faces, a few tears, a lot of blaming and shaming. But, you know, these things have a way of working themselves out. So, what I'm telling you is, it's here:

Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 3 of 5)
by
Robert Kelly

Well here we are the 4 of us in total shock
Me and her, I close my mouth, swallow spit (gulp)
Cause I’m thinking to myself, "This is some deep shit!"
Then I said, "So you gonna tell me he’s the one you been talking to?"
He says, "Yes." I says, "No." He says, "Yes." I says, "No." He says, "It’s the truth"
I yell, "All of y'all are all crazy let me up out this door
Because this is way more than I bargain for"
And then she says, "Wait, I’m sure we can all fix this"
And then I said, "I’m late cause I aint got a damn thing to do with this"
And then she said, "But wouldn’t you like to know just how it all began?"
Then I thought to myself and said, "Quick you got 3 minutes"
And then it got real quiet, I said, "Somebody start talking"
Then she said, "My God, Rufus, I’ve got just one question
How could you do something like this? I’m so hurt"
And he looked at her and said, "Bitch please, you got your nerve
With all your club hoppin, lying saying you were shopping
And now here you are in our home, and you’re calling me wrong?"
She said, "Okay, you busted me, and that much I agree
You caught me cheating, but this is a little extreme"
He said, "You are my wife sleepin behind my back
And now I come home and you got him in the closet, how extreme is that?"
She says, "But she’s a he," then he said, "Please, you can’t judge me"
She says, "Rufus this is crazy," then I said, "Stop arguing!
I did not stay here to hear yall chew each other out
So get to the point or I swear I’m out"
"Excuse me, please, but I think I can explain what’s going on in here.
My name is Chuck and I’ve been knowing Rufus bout a year
And err night creeping around with him has been a living hell
Sneaking in and out of hotels." I said, "Brother, spare me the details"
Then Rufus said, "Chuck, please don’t say nothing else"
And then she screams, "Rufus, you son of a bitch!"
And he says, "Cathy go to hell"
I said, "I thought your name was Mary, that’s what you said at the party
Man this is getting scary, I’m gonna shoot somebody"
Then Rufus starts yelling and screaming saying, "Cathy this is all your fault"
She throws a pillow at him and says, "You was creepin too
The only difference is you didn’t get caught"
Chuck screamed out, "We’re in love!" Cathy says, "Love my ass"
Rufus said they getting married, then I shoot one in the air
Then I say, "Not another one of you son’s of bitches say a word
Cause all of this shit I’m going through is unheard"
Grabbed my cellular, saying, "This is so wrong"
Called up my home and a man picks up the phone.

Pre-Destined: Mischa #3116

Well, according to both Monday and Tuesday's horoscopes, last night was supposed to be awesome for romance, but I just sat in my room reading a book about Great White Sharks. Come on, ladies, get with the universal program! But then this morning I heard on the radio that there's big trouble in Mischa Barton's relationship with the oil baron-heir, Brandon Davis, so maybe what the stars meant was that last night was a great night for the golden road to celebrity-non-celebrity romance to be paved...over the bones of Brandon Davis's heartbroken body! YES! Luckily, I've been deep in preparation for the wooing of the fake Marissa Cooper that I'm totally ready now that the real one is available. Wifebeater: check. Leather cuff: check. Icy attitude that is broken with sly, charming smile: check. Peace, fake Marissa Cooper. Ain't nothin' like the real thing.

Who said that? It was either Coca Cola or MC Skat Kat.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Deconstructing the TomKat

If you pay any attention at all to celebrity gossip, then you know that the only thing anyone can talk about is Tom Cruise's budding relationship with Katie Holmes. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said "budding relationship." What I meant to say was [Tom Cruise's] "farcical publicity stunt to hide his homosexuality" [with Katie Holmes]. Rarely do I point out things that other people do well, lest I detract from the brilliance of my own burning star, but I'd highly recommend going to defamer.com and looking at their well-chosen photos from Cruise's appearance on yesterday's Oprah Show to get a sense of what I mean.

What seems to get lost in the shuffle of this disgusting, public, asex-capade is that for Mr. Cruise, it's really nothing new. After his marriage to "Nic" fell apart*, he teamed up with Penelope Cruz to make sure the world knew that if there was any questioning of his heterosexuality, it could be laid to rest, because here was a real-life, flesh-and-blood woman that he was spending every waking moment getting his picture taken with doing stuff that guys do with gals all the time! Would a gay man be seen on a beach or at a movie premiere with a beautiful woman? You bet he wouldn't. And if that doesn't convince you, how about some PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE!

Over 60 percent of the American public believes that Cruise's and Holmes's relationship is a publicity stunt, in polls conducted by People and US Weekly, as reported in the New York Times. Of course, this poll failed to ask the obvious question, and thereby failed to get the obvious result, which is that over 99 percent of the American public believes that Cruise is a big homo.

*The dissolution of Tom and "Nic"'s marriage was the basis for the film Eyes Wide Shut by legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick. The basic premise is that a wife [Nicole Kidman, the actress] tells her husband [Tom Cruise, the actor] that she wanted to leave him for a sailor that she saw in a restaurant. The husband gets sad and confused and goes to a dangerous sex party that reveals to him the darker, animalistic side of human nature, as well as the fragility of his own upper-middle-class existence. The film ends with the couple deciding that they will have to do the best they can, together, to face such a dangerous, scary world. In reality, the husband [Tom Cruise, the man] delves as deeply into this deviant sexual underworld as his aging body will allow, forcing the wife [Nicole Kidman, the woman] to leave him, which she doesn't see as that big of a deal since she's been looking for a way out for years. The other difference between the film's version of events, and the events as they actually happened, is that the illicit sex party visited by the real-life Tom Cruise is portrayed in the film as comprised primarily of masked men and gorgeous female prostitutes. In real life, there were only men at the party, which Cruise did not mind in the least.

"I've Got a Nice Rack"

Clown Coffee: Hey, Clown Coffee, can you touch your elbows behind your back?
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Worker #3116: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Clown Coffee: Ha ha ha ha ha.

I Was Going to Say "German"

[Clown Coffee arrives to work in white jeans tucked into black leather boots]

Worker #3116: You look very--
Clown Coffee: Fucked out?
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: ...
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: ...
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: What?
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: ...
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: It could just be an innocuous turn-of-phrase.
Worker #3116: ...

Emptiness Is Loneliness, and Loneliness Is Cleanliness, and Cleanliness Is Godliness, and God Is Empty, Just Like ME!

When I was little, I used to lie awake at night thinking about all the different people in the world and what they were doing. Like, I would imagine what women in Africa were doing, and how people in Asia were going to work, and what other children were doing, playing, talking about. I liked to imagine that somewhere in the world, right at that instant, someone was doing the exact same thing, thinking the exact same thought, wearing the same pyjamas, kind of having to pee but not so bad. Some of this was probably inspired by a children's book I had about all the different peoples of the world and what they looked like and how they carried baskets on their heads. But mostly I was just very imaginative and curious and filled with passion for humanity.

NOT ANYMORE!

Who has time for that? There's too much me, Me, ME to be obsessed with. Have fun without me, Africa.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Putting The Deal to Rest

Everyone's been asking me, for years now, "What is the best pop-up ad?" or "Do you know what the best pop-up ad is?" or "Tell me what it is, the best pop-up ad, I mean!"

Fucking found it, guys!

The Princess and Worker #3116 Go Shopping

Worker #3116: Ouch!
McCullen: What?
Worker #3116: I slammed my shoulder into the corner of the car door.
McCullen: [High-pitched, British accent] "I can't sleep! There's something wrong with these mattresses!"
Worker #3116: ...
McCullen: It's like the Princess and the Pea with you.
Worker #3116: ...
McCullen: "I can't sleep! What ever shall I do? I don't know what it is, but there is something wrong with these 100 mattresses!"
Worker #3116: 100 mattresses?
McCullen: Yeah, don't you know The Princess and the Pea fairy tale?
Worker #3116: Yeah.
McCullen: She couldn't sleep so she offered her hand in marriage to whomever could fix her 100 mattresses.
Worker #3116: I don't think that's how the story goes.
McCullen: Yeah, and all the men from the lands came, and everyone tried to fix her mattresses, but no one could, until a lowly farmhand discovered the pea, and they were married.
Worker #3116: I really don't think that's how it goes.
McCullen: That's because you're an idiot.
Worker #3116: ...
McCullen: "I can't sleep!"

See, I'm the Man of This Town, and I Hope You Would'nt Mind if I Showed You Around

I'm not sure why I never noticed this before, but Ludacris's new single, "Pimpin' All Over the World," makes me realize that he is the DJ Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince for the new millenium...Popular, modestly talented, and not taking this stuff too seriously. Something about the patented goofiness of his rhymes over the laid back beat of the song makes me think very much of "Girls Ain't Nothin' but Trouble," off of Rock the House. Without the overdramatic "Trapped in the Closet"-style storyline.

Cover art featured here is for CD release of album. NOTE: Author of diary owns original cassette release.

NOT to be confused with "Guys Ain't Nothin' but Trouble," off of Rock the House, in which Ice Cream Tee gets to offer the ladies' point of view.

Anyhow, to clarify my point, just imagine Ludacris rapping the following, and your brain will be all like, "I get it."

listen homeboys don't mean to bust your bubble
but girls of the world ain't nothing but trouble
so next time a girl gives you the play
just remember my rhyme and get the hell away
Just last week when I was walking down the street
I observed this lovely lady that I wanted to meet
I walked up to her I said hello
she said you're kind of cute I said yes I know but
by the way sweetheart what's your name
she said my friends like to call me exotic Elaine
I said my name is [Ludacris] and she said why
I said well I don't know I'm just a hell of a guy
but enough about me yo let's talk about you
and all the wonderful things that you and I can do
I popped some cash and in a little bit of time
I showed some cash and the girl was mine
I took her over town I wined her and dined her
she ask me did I like her I said well kinda
all of a sudden she jumped out her seat
snatched me up by my wrist and took me out to the street
she started grabbin all over me kissing and hugging
so I shoved her away I said you better stop buggin
she got mad looked me dead in my face
threw her hands in the air and yelled out rape
I got scared when she started to yell
so I handed her my wallet and ran like hell
I was duckin through alleys right and left
but when the cops caught up they almost beat me to death
I was arrested charged with agrivated assault
(yo Clancy we got him)
but it wasn't my fault
nevertheless don't mean to bust your bubble
but girls of the world ain't nothing but trouble
so next time a girl gives you the play
just remember my rhyme and get the hell away
I was in a bar one Friday night
cooling watching a Mike Tyson fight
I was maxin and relaxin sippin on Tequilla
when this girl walked up she said hi my name is Sheila
I responded by saying hello
she paid for my drink and then said let's go
20 minutes later things were starting to cook
as we pulled up into her house I said I'm with you toots
the music was soft and there was wine in the glasses
she started winking and making little passes
at me she pat me close that's when she got bold
she started feeling up my back I said oh your hands are cold
we went to her bedroom thinking of one thing
took the phone off the hook to avoid the annoying ring
I carresed her body and I kissed her cheek
and that's when I observed those satin bed sheets
I felt that it was time for me to make my move
I thought I better hurry up before I busted a groove
I leaned down to kiss her but then out of the blue
a door slammed and a voice said baby where are you
her boyfriend busted in he grinned an evil grin
and said boy I'm a tear your butt limb from limb
I was scared as hell where I was supposed to go
I just yelled geronimo and jumped out the window
just my luck we were in a snow storm
and all I had was my underwear on to keep my warm
and to top the night off I had to break in my place
because my keys were on pants back on Sheila's book case
I was done sneezing and coughing
I hope this doesn't happen to often
but nevertheless don't mean to bust your bubble
but girls of the world ain't nothing but trouble
so next time a girl gives you the play
just remember my rhymes and get the hell away
Jazzy: yo man you think they see your point
[Ludacris]: I don't know I don't think they really do
Jazzy: I think you should give 'em another example
[Ludacris]: awright give me a scratch let's make it funky right here
I got a ring on my phone May 5th last year
it was my girlfriend Betty I said hello dear
I was just about to call you I got a couple tickets to the Run DMC concert
(I'm wit it)
It's six o'clock now at eight will you be ready
(yeah)
aight fine see you then Betty
I combed my hair washed and brushed my teeth
got funky fresh dressed in my le coque sportif
got to Betty's at eight I was ready to jet
until Betty's mon said Betty's not ready yet
I sat there for at least an hour
it was ten after nine before she got in the shower
9:35 she comes downstairs
and said I need a little longer to finish my hair
at ten o'clock we had then missed the show
she comes downstairs and says let's go
go where go to sleep I'm gone
I was steamin like a demon as I drove home
but it just goes to show
not trying to bust your bubble
but girls of the world ain't nothing but trouble
so next time a girl gives you the play
just remember my rhyme just remember my rhymes
take heed to my rhymes and get the hell away
Jazzy: man first your parents just don't understand
then you having these crazy nightmares
[Ludacris]: I know why me man why me
Jazzy: what's next
[Ludacris]: now these girls man you know how it is
can't live wit 'em can't live wit'out 'em

Friday, May 20, 2005

No Calendar Can Hold Me

I've just been informed that it is National Take Your 6 Pounds of Chicken to Work Day!

Sorry, chicken! Daddy's been busy and he just plain forgot! Next year, I promise!

Kiss My Butt

Clown Coffe keeps hissing, "Eat me, nigger!" and giving me the finger.

What do you say to that?

Shops

Yesterday's purchases:

Worker #3116
16 oz. Marinara Sauce
1 Pajama Bottoms
1 Futon Mattress

McCullen
3 Pairs Calvin Klein Underwear
6 Pounds Chicken
1 Magic Ball of Pure Energy Grasped in the Talons of a Dragon's Claw

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 2 of 5)

The tension is so high, you could hear a pin drop, and by pin I mean synthesizer water-drop sound effect.

Bwoop!

Well......
Now he's staring at me like
As if he was starin in a mirror
She yells, "Honey let me explain"
He says, "You don't have to go no further,
I can clearly see what's goin on
Behind my back, in my bed, in my home"
Then I said, "Wait a minute now hold on,"
I said, "Mister we can work this out"
She said, "Honey don't lose control"
Tried to get him to calm down
He said, "Ho I should've known
That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt"
I said, "We need to resolve this"
Then he stepped to me, I'm like "Whoa!
There's a reason I'm in this closet"
He says, "Yeah, like what, are you talkin clothes?"
"I met this girl at the Bodja club
And she told me she didn't have a man"
Then he said, "Man please, I'd kill you if you didn't have that gun in ya hand"
And I said, "But yo chick chose me"
He said, "Don't give me that mack shit, please"
His phone goes off and then things get a little more interesting
He steps a little closer
I point my gun and says, "I'm not the one you after"
He says, "Somethin I bet you didn't know my man
Did she tell you that I was a pastor"
I said, "Well good that's betta right
Why can't we handle this Christian-like"
And I started to put the gun down
Til I saw his face still had a frown
She started cryin, sayin "Baby I'm sorry
Then he said, "Baby not as sorry as you're gonna be"
I started inchin out
He says, "No I want you to see this"
Said, "I gotta get out this house"
He said, "Not til I reveal my secret"
I'm like, "What is goin on inside his head"
Then he takes his phone and calls somebody up and says
"Hello, Baby, turn the car around
Listen I just need for you to get right back here now" (Click)
He looks at me and says, "Well since we're all comin out the closet
I'm not about to be the only one that's broken hearted"
She said, "What do you mean?"
And he said, "Just wait and see"
I said, "Somebody betta talk to me"
And then his phone rang
He picks up and somebody says, "Sweetheart I'm downstairs"
And he's like, "I'll buzz you up
I'm on the fifth floor, hurry take the stairs"
And I'm like, "Who is this mystery lady that you're talking to?"
He says, "In time you both will know the shockin truth
Baby this is something I been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time"
Then I said, "Now I'mma shoot you both if you don't say what's on ya mind"
He said wait, "I hear somebody comin up the stairs"
And I'm lookin at the door
He says, "I think you betta sit down in the chair"
I says, "I'm gonna count to four"
1, he says, "Mister wait"
2, she says, "Please don't shoot"
3, he says, "Don't shoot me"
4, she screams
Then a knock at the door, the gun's in my hand
He opens the door, I can't believe it's a man

It’s not us who have been teaching Radio. It’s Radio who’s been teaching us.

Three Things About Radios:

1. If you have trouble getting up in the morning, might I suggest setting your alarm to a radio station that will play "Hollaback Girl" at the designated time? Then, if you make it difficult to turn the stereo off, why, you'll be springing up to greet the new day with the energy of a sixteen-year-old!

2. Last night I was coming home just when "Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 2 of 5)"* came on the radio. I hadn't heard it yet, so I was obviously very excited, and sat in my driveway listening to it. Later in the evening, McCullen and I talked about making a "Trapped in the Closet" cover band, where he learns the lyrics and how to play the song on the guitar, and I stand in the background making that "bwooop!" drip noise. We could open for Kelly Caldwell.

3. The topic on the Morning Zoo was "do guys find funny girls sexy, or do they resent the competition," which incited one of the DJs to affirm that he didn't think girls were naturally funny. "They have funny moments," he said, "but they're not funny per se." That got the phone lines ringing. First a girl called in to complain, saying that she really resented the fact that the DJ was saying that girls weren't funny, and that she's really funny, but she said all of this in the least funny way possible. So one of the DJs finally asked, "How do you know you're funny?" "Because people tell me I'm funny all the time, like at work, and stuff...Funny is about being really silly, and having a sharp wit, and just being free to laugh." They told her to have a funny day and hung up on her. Then a guy called in and said that his wife liked to make jokes, but that then he would make awesome come-backs, and he was starting to think that maybe he was going too far. One of the two girl DJs used this as evidence that "funny and funny in a relationship doesn't work." Then another DJ asked the husband for an example of what he said, which got this:

"Like, the other day, this friend asked 'Do your sexual preferences change, after you're married?' And I was like, 'When you've been with someone for so long, it's like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.'"

Not only is this joke gross, it doesn't even make sense. Like, he's saying what? That he crawls up inside his wife's vagina with his whole entire body and then does some weird kind of flicking motion with his penis? His wife's vagina is so stretched out that he could run a housekeeping cart through it? I don't know why, but when I heard this I pictured a hallway at a hotel.

Then a woman called in and she had this awesome piece of wisdom to share:

"I disagree with what y'all is sayin', because I just can't believe that God granted man the funny-bone, and woman the cooking-bone. It ain't like that."

When you listen to the Morning Zoo for so long, it's like throwing your brain down a hallway.

*Lyrics to be posted soon.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Welcome to the Nuclear Option, Bitch!

"The N.O."
A Senate Satire starring Ryan Atwood of FOX's hit drama The O.C. and Marmaduke
by Worker #3116


Ryan Atwood: I demand an up or down vote on whether to move back to Chino and take care of Theresa, or to stay in Newport Beach and work on repairing my love for Marissa Cooper.
[Marmaduke sits lazily in easy chair.]
Ryan Atwood: Marmaduke get out of my chair!
[Marmaduke digs hole in backyard.]
Ryan Atwood: It is unconscionable for you to stand in the way of the due process of my love.
[Marmaduke is brought home by the dog catcher.]
Ryan Atwood: If you do not abide by my demand for an up or down vote on Marissa Cooper I will be forced to use my leadership position in the pool house to forcibly change the Cohens' rules, rendering your protest invalid!
[Marmaduke uses arcane legislative rules to tie up all Senate committees, effectively shutting down the federal government.]

NB: The author of this political satire has only seen the first season of FOX's hit drama, The O.C., and cannot be held responsible for any themes missing or changed due to developments in the second season.

Super Trivia Funtimes!

Entry: Bring It On
Posted: May 18, 2005

The song that Cliff plays on his guitar is "Anarchy in the U.K." by The Sex Pistols.

JewVC

This morning's car radio was all, "ad for lye-based hair straightener this," "ad for watermelon that," Green Day's hit, "Walk, Walk, Walk, Road, Road, Road, Lonely!" So I put on the local college radio station only to hear the opening credits score for Harry Potter 1: Sorcerer Stones. Booo, radio!

It's not inconceivable that this will be the summer of QVC. They've got some real bargains on there, and real pretty ladies ready and willing to tell you about them. Last night was Vicenza Style, where this week it's "Italian Gold Week." Apparently, when you go to Italy, you can't even get into the boutiques that make the kind of pieces QVC is selling. You're not good enough. Luckily, as a QVC viewer, you barely even leave the couch, much less the country, so don't worry your pretty little head about Italy. Besides, the gold makers in Italy only make jewelry costing over 1,000 dollars. But on QVC you can buy jewelry that costs less than 1,000 dollars. Fucking Italy, man. They're not going to be pulling the merino wool over any more American eyes, I'll tell you that shit for real. Our eyes are wide fucking open, Italy, and we're on to your shit. So you can keep your 9" anklet for 1,014 euros. We got our own, and they only cost 799 dollars, and maybe down to 495 dollars if you wait ten minutes.

[re: Paul Feig]
Clown Coffee: [Gasp] He's a Jew!
Worker #3116: They all are.
Clown Coffee: You mean in Hollywood?
Worker #3116: Yeah, and New York.
Clown Coffee: Oh, I know. Totally.
Worker #3116: More like Israelwood, and New Israel!
Clown Coffee: Exactly. They're dirty. They're not like us.
Worker #3116: Well, they're like me.
Clown Coffee: Oh, right. I'm sorry...for you.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

worker#3116@glennmillerorchestra.com

I want to start a company offering big-band internet service.

A Metaphor for All My Failed Relationships

Sure, [Worker #3116's Ex-Girlfriend] is the only one who recognizes her engagement to Worker #3116, but that still counts for something, doesn't it? Ten years ago, [Worker #3116's Ex-Girlfriend] made a special okonomiyaki sauce—which Worker #3116 secretly ruined. To this day, [Worker #3116's Ex-Girlfriend] can't quite understand why Worker #3116's being extra nice to her, despite the phenomenal failure of her special sauce. [Worker #3116's Sworn-Enemy]'s onto Worker #3116, though, and one way or another, he's going to pay. Which will it be, Worker #3116? The okonomiyaki frying pan, or the fire that comes from slurping down that nasty sauce itself...?

Die Götterwandschrank

So, last night McCullen was telling me about this new R. Kelly song that his friend Omarrion at work told him about ("Why Omarrion got to have two 'r's?"). It's like a Wagnerian Ring Cycle, only it's in five chapters, not four, and it's R. Kelly, so it's totally f-ing crazy ("I think I just saw a dolphin!")...Each chapter is being released separately, and as far as I can tell, only the first chapter is currently available. I'm going to keep you up to date on this epic saga as it unfolds:

Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 1 of 5)
by Robert Kelly

Seven o'clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me
I'm stretchin' and yawnin'
In a bed that don't belong to me
And a voice yells, "Good morning, darlin", from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me
And to my surprise, she ain't you

Now I've got this dumb look on my face
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here til the morning sun?
Must of lost the track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home
Didn't plan to stay that long

Here I am, quickly tryin' to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys
Tryin' to get on up out the door
Then she streched her hands in front of it
Said, "You can't go this way"
Looked at her, like she was crazy
Said, "Woman move out my way"
Said, "I got a wife at home"
She said, "Please don't go out there"
"Lady, I've got to get home"
She said her husband was comin' up the stairs

"Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet"
She said, "Don't you make a sound
Or some shit is going down"
I said, "Why don't I just go out the window?"
"Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor"
"Think, think, quick, put me in the closet"
And now I'm in this darkest closet, tryin' to figure out
Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass up out this house

Then he walks in and yells, "I'm home"
She says, "Honey, I'm in the room"
He walks in there with a smile on his face
Sayin', "Honey, I've been missin' you"
She hops all over him
And says, "I've cooked and ran your bath water"
I'm tellin' you now, this girl's so good that she deserves an Oscar

Throws her in the bed
And start to snatchin' her clothes off
I'm in the closet, like man, what the fuck is going on?
You're not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, "There's a mystery going on
And I'm gonna solve it"
And I'm like, "God please, don't let this man open this closet"

He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, "Baby, come back to bed"
He says, "Bitch, say no more"
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she's biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I'm sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Baretta
He walks up to the closet
He comes up to the closet
Now he's at the closet
Now he's opening the closet...


TO BE CONTINUED...

Sincerely Summer

I think I got a pretty good idea what kind of summer it's going to be last night when I got a mad-craving for Atari Teenage Riot at 10:30 P.M. ON A MONDAY.

Worker #3116: Did you ever used to listen to Atari Teenage Riot?
McCullen: No. I think I've probably heard them, but no.
Worker #3116: I think you would like them.
McCullen: Yeah?
Worker #3116: If I remember correctly, my favorite song was "Deutschland (Has Gotta Die!)"
McCullen: Are they German?
Worker #3116:Yes, they are German.

In researching this post, I also came across the best headline ever on mtv.com:
Atari Teenage Riot's Alec Empire Questions Rammstein's Sincerity

Testing One, Two, Shag, Baby, Yeah!

this is an audio post - click to play

Monday, May 16, 2005

Also: "I'm 11, but I Have the Bone Structure of a 9-year-old!"

Overheard this weekend:

11-year-old: I thought I lost a ball this morning.
13-year-old: What?
11-year-old: I went to the bathroom and I was like, "Where's my ball? I've only got one ball!" I thought I'd lost it.
13-year-old: How do you lose a ball?
11-year-old: I found it. I guess they were just stuck together.

Funky Monkey or Project X-TREME!

A boy genius (Seth Adkins) discovers the meaning of friendship with the help of a chimpanzee called Clemens and its martial-arts expert owner (Matthew Modine) in this comedy directed by Gene Quintano. The boy agrees to assist the two in their battle against an evil animal laboratory -- in exchange for advice that'll help him gain the attentions of his school crush and play football like a jock.

Remember when I went to college and in Film/Video 400 they split us up into our groups to use class time to plan our projects and I overheard this one kid say, "I mean, films like Magnolia just really give me hope for the future of cinema"? Now I see what he was talking about. Obviously, though, I should have paid more attention to his opinions after I saw the film he made about a kid who overdoses on drugs and then is in heaven, and heaven is a white room, and in heaven he writes his whole life out in a book with red ink, recounting the mistakes he made, like the time he got his girlfriend pregnant, and the time he killed his best friend in a drunk-driving accident, but also the good parts, like the time he saw a girl at the airport and she smiled at him and even though he never knew her name, he never forgot that girl. What a smart guy, that guy in my class was. So talented and full of good ideas. Even before that, though, actually, I should have known I was in the presence of genius because he wrote out the treatment for the film project about heaven and he was all like, "I have been working on this idea for over a year. It is inspired by Jacob's Ladder." Fucking film school is fucking awesome!

Shagadumbic!

You know how sometimes you get really drunk, and you do stuff that's super funny at the time, but the next day you wake up and can't remember what was so hilarious about slapping people as hard as you could and screaming "Goaaaaaaaaal!"? Now imagine that same scenario, except you aren't drunk at all, and it's a Sunday night, and it's just you and McCullen at home, trading Austin Powers catch-phrases like "Oh, behave!" and "Do I make you horny, baby?" back and forth, and you will have a good idea how I feel this morning. Confused. A little scared. So tired.

Causin lyrical disasters, it's the master
Make music for Mini-Me's, models and Fat Bastards
These women tryin to get me out my Pelle Pelle
They strip off my clothes and tell me, "Get in my belly!"
Stay on the track, hit the ground runnin like Flo-Jo
Sent back in time and I've never lost my mojo
Ladies and gentlemen ahh, boys and girls
Worker #3116 sent down to take over the whole world!

Friday, May 13, 2005

Before I Forget, I Will Tell You This Thing That I Wish I Could Forget

What was up with the part this morning where there were free bagels and Clown Coffee and I were getting some of them and TV Roadhouse was talking about how Sasquatch coughed all over them, and that somehow inspired him to say, "I've got some of those antiseptic wipes, and I've been using them a lot," and Clown Coffee asked, "On the bagels?", which would have been funny, and we could have left it at that, except that TV Roadhouse had to harsh-whisper, "On my ass," and then go on to explain that no, he was talking about the kind you use in the bathroom, and said, very earnestly, "I have used them more this week than in my whole life. I use them just because they're there, you know?" To which Fish Man said "I use them, too," and it's 9:00 in the morning, we're eating bagels, and this is asshole hygiene that is being discussed?

Find out what the deal is and get back to me, because I'm still a little sick from it.

Seth Cohen=Jared?

I Named My Boat After Her, 'Sandwich Artist'

The Dance Dance Revolution Will Be Televised...and Free!

I saw this flyer yesterday:

FREE
DANCE...DANCE...REVOLUTION
TOURNAMENTS!


At first I thought this begged the question of who would pay for a Dance...Dance..Revolution tournament, but then when I noticed that every single tag had been torn from the bottom, I realized I was looking at a portal into a dark, dangerous world I knew nothing about.

Later, We're Going to Have Sex!

Three Alarm Lunch

Clown Coffee: We should go to the Hott Caff soon, get a jump on the competition.
Worker #3116: Okay.
Clown Coffee: What time is it?

[Looks at fire alarm on wall.]

Worker #3116: Did you just look at the fire alarm to see what time it was?
Clown Coffee: ...
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: No.
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: ...
Worker #3116: Yes you did.
Clown Coffee: No I didn't. That's not a clock.
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: Who would do that?
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: It says "Fire" right on it.
Worker #3116: ...
Clown Coffee: ...

The Sek's Is Up and Up

Reposted from email received May 13, 2005

Fri, 13 May 2005 07:27:16 -0800
From: "Tien Giekes" Kozyrashi@lunn-poly.co.uk
To: worker3116@yahoo.com
Subject: cool to have sek's

http://www.website.com
the sek's is up and up

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Byeeee, Paper

I know that Bill Gates is the smartest man around, pretty much, second only to the man who invented Ikea, who is a couple billion dollars smarter, but even I think there's something a little bit off about this headline:

Gates Sees Mobile Phones Overtaking iPods - Paper
(Reuters)

Why stop at iPods and paper, Mr. Gates? Why don't mobile phones overtake oranges, and shoelaces? Gates Sees Mobile Phones Overtaking Towels - Water. I'm going to start throwing away all of my paper and iPods right now, so that I am ready for the future.

We Belong Together

When Mariah Carey is singing:

I can't sleep at night
When you're all on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface


Take note of the mithril coat of armor she is wearing. It will protect her from even the most fearsome Balrog of the Deep.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

SWORD CLASS! SWORD CLASS! SWORD CLASS!

This woman just walked by Clown Coffee's cube and said "Think a happy thought!" We gave each other a look and then she said, "Because if you don't, I'm going to bring my sword in and play!" Then she walked away sing-songing, "I'm going to sword class, I'm so happy!" Then I just heard her on the other side of the room chanting "Sword Class! Sword Class! Sword! Class!"

Who wants to take up the Worker #3116 mantle after I am slain by her psychotic break?

A Special Message for You from Gary II

December 9, 2002

Dear Friends of Gary II:

Let me take this opportunity that during my 25th Birthday Party at 1st Baptist Church, I've heard almost each and every song at my party and I danced to only 3 of them!! What I'm doing is that "whether or not" I come to the Christmas game party, my job is to continue downloading the music and to record at least 80 mins. worth of them, so that the music would be burned on 1 big CD. The 1st CD will have that of classic rock, Vol. #1 ((most of the music I've heard was at my birthday party, and the rest of the songs I didn't listen to, at all)). One of my favorite songs was: KISS's, Rock & Roll All Nite and Crosby, Stills & Nash's, Ste: Judy Blue Eyes. What's your favorite classic rock song?! Take good care now and I hope that all of you can still rock!!

Gary II

(screaming into phone) Help! Help! The Attack Is on! It's Happening! Gotta Send Help!

This Is for Your Own Relatively Well-Informed Safety

W.F.C.?

RENÉE Zellweger isn't the only one who snagged herself a musician. Fashion designer Kai, formerly of As Four, is set to marry Melissa Burns, the lead singer from electroclash group W.I.T. (Whatever It Takes) later this summer. A source said the hot-tempered designer and the blonde bombshell have been seeing each other only a short time, but "they're going to try to have a baby." Perhaps the designer, whose new label is called "By Myself," realized it was lonely on his own.
(New York Post)

This piece of celebrity gossip is comforting because it reminds me that the more the acronyms change, the more the pretentious fringe-culture assholes stay the same. Remember when the talk of the town was As Four and electroclash group A.R.E. Weapons. 2000 4 'eva.

slider_666: want 2 fuck? meet me in tha bathroom ;)

I heard a report on NPR yesterday that the House has just passed a bill making it illegal to sell sexually explicit video games to minors. These games would, under this provision, fall under the umbrella of pornographic material. Nerds' only hope now is that the bill is stalled in the senate, otherwise no more Leisure Suit Larry, lonely babies!



Up-Down-Left-Right-A-B-A-B-B-J

PMA, Babe

It's a good thing that Classic Emma and I watched the season finale of the Amazingest Race last night to work on our strategy...We both agreed that we could chop onions pretty well, and we've both jumped off the trellises at night so the 30-foot drop from a loading dock suspended over Mandingo Bay, Puerto Rico, or whatever, wouldn't be a problem. Nothing is scarier than the trellises at night. We also practiced the limbo with a broom to make sure we could get an 8:15 departure from the beach, but Stevil kept trying to take pictures and that broke our concentration bad.

Team Name: Date with the Night.
Team Slogan: Race This!

The only major concern that has arisen is if one of the legs of the race takes us through either Amsterdam, or Kingston, Jamaica. "Come on, Classic Emma, we've got to catch up to the other teams!" "Chill, brah! I just gotta finish this drum circle right quick. Hear'me now!"

Bye, Stevil.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

All Movies Should Begin Like This:

"After a multiethnic cheerleading squad witnesses a mob execution..."

Sounds of Summer

This morning I did a limewire search for "Best Song Ever" hoping that maybe I would find something awesome to listen to illegally. Here are a few of limewire's suggestions:

Blind Melon: No Rain
Chumbawumba: TubThumping
Bryan Adams: (Everything I Do) I Do It for You
Lynyrd Skynyrd: Sweet Home Alabama
Monty Python: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
Robert Palmer: Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor Doctor)
Steppenwolf: Born to Be Wild
The Commitments: Mustang Sally

Thanks, limewire! Goodtimes, here I come!

Spalding Gray Est Mort, Une Perte Pour Toi Et Moi, Et Pour Nous Tous

Last night I dreamt that deadbeat-père tried to throw me off a roof, and then we were in his kitchen and he filled a dishwasher with empty bottles of alcohol, and then he tried to apologize to me about the roof thing and I screamed at him to go fuck himself and to go "throw yourself off a fucking roof," and then he told me that I should buy a slice of key lime pie for lunch so that I was very hungry at dinner time because he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant.

Obviously, I needed some professional internet dream analysis for this one:

Father
Dreams with fathers in them can be looked at on several different levels. You may be dreaming about your father and expressing your feelings about him in a safe way. Or he's a jerk. Traditionally, a father dream can be seen as symbolizing authority and power. Or jerks. In the dream you may be expressing your attitude about strengths and weaknesses as they relate to your position in life and your general attitude toward society. The image of the father could also represent the "collective consciousness," the traditional spirit, and the yang, and the jerk.

Roof
At times, a roof represents the crown choker. It may represent a barrier between states of consciousness or be symbolic of your ideology and philosophy. If you are dreaming about a leaky roof, new information may be trying to get into your conscious awareness. On a more pragmatic note, the roof in your dreams could be bringing up issues of protection and materialistic comfort (a roof over your head). If you are dreaming about being thrown off a roof that is sad. Why would someone throw you off a roof? I wish they wouldn't.

Kitchen
Houses in dreams generally represent the dreamer (dreamer = house). The kitchen is the heart of the house. For most families, the kitchen is a place of warmth and nourishment (emotional as well as physical). Examine the conditions of your dream kitchen and you may become aware of some emotional needs and feelings toward yourself and others. If your dream kitchen is actually your father's kitchen, this is probably representative of an obvious, natural setting in which to encounter the father you are encountering in the dream.

Alcohol
Understanding the symbol of alcohol in your dreams depends on the relationship you have with it in daily life. If you drink regularly, you need to look at the other details of your dream more carefully. However, if you drink rarely or never, then this dream could represent a need for you to escape from your daily stress and your desire to get quick relief. The alcohol could be suggesting a need for healing and getting in balance. Your unconscious mind may be suggesting outrageous things in hopes that you get the message to "have fun, dream dreams, and get out of your own head!" Please keep in mind that the purpose of dreams is to raise our consciousness and to assist us in having better lives. The message in the dream about alcohol is most likely not encouraging you to drink but it may represent a need to feel better or get better. Is it your father's alcohol? Oh, we all know what that means.

Argument
See: Quarrel

Quarrel
If you are quarreling or arguing in your dream you may be experiencing some inner conflict. The quarrel may reflect your own inability to resolve important issues, ideas, or values. Most likely, you may be experiencing ongoing difficulty with making decisions, cannot accept authority, or you may have carried an argument from your daily life into your dream. Very old dream interpretation books say that quarreling is a dream of the contrary and that you will have peace and harmony with your loved ones. Maybe not if you are yelling "go throw yourself off a fucking roof," in the quarrel, though.

Straight Up Fighting
It usually symbolizes anger and confusion that comes about in times of change. If nothing is changing in your life, it may be a clue that a change is needed or that you want to change internally. Fighting with strangers usually represents an internal struggle. Fighting with familiar people may be an extension of daily life and a reflection on your relationship with them. Fighting with fathers is like life.

Cake
It may symbolize the sweet and pleasurable parts of life. The dream may be interpreted according to your interaction with the cake in the dream. There is no pie in dreams.

Fancy Dinner
See: Dinner

Dinner
See: Eating

Eating
To interpret this dream adequately you need to consider all of its details including what type of food you were eating, if you were eating alone, with strangers, or with familiar people. Eating usually symbolizes comfort, pleasure, and love. We use and misuse food on a daily bases. We nourish our bodies and stuff our feelings with food. Eating is a part of life and for some of us it is a problem. If you are on a perpetual diet and are depriving yourself of food, then this dream may be compensatory in nature. If you are feeling lonely or lack warmth, you may have dreams of eating. Eating in a dream suggests a need for physical, psychological or spiritual nourishment. Or love. From a father.

Final analysis: deadbeat-père=le jerk.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Next!

Forgot:

Everyone by now knows about my exploits with Shelly, grocery dreamdate. Well, yesterday I encountered Darlene, grocery anti-dreamdate. Lemme splain: I am going about my business, grocery this, grocery that, when I get up to the checkout. It is a Sunday, so some people is buying some stuffs, and my girlfriend is nowhere in sight, and right in front of me this Ugly Goofball is opening a register with Darlene, who I don't really know what her name is but she looks like an uglier version of Darlene from television's Roseanne, so I call her that. So I push my cart up and wait for Ugly Goofball to start ringing me up. This is when Darlene says, "Oh, we're going to take the next person in line. We are a fair store." I was about to slay her. I should have slain her.

It's going to be hard, now, when I go to the grocery store, because I'm going to have to temper my desire for Shelly with my hatred of Darlene. And then there will be Ugly Goofball, fucking everything up. Close your smile.

Bill and Brendan's Excellently WTF Adventure

What's wrong with this celebrity gossip item?:

BRENDAN Fraser says that Bill Clinton once made him jealous by flirting with the actor's busty, blond wife, Afton. When Clinton was president, Fraser hosted a Christmas carol program for him and First Lady Hillary at the White House. "My wife was wearing a red dress and has certain endowments," Fraser tells Elle magazine. "I introduced her in the receiving line, and he said, 'Hell-ooo, Afton.' The Secret Service was prodding people to move along, but I saw Clinton make this hand gesture like, 'Back off for a second, guys.' " Clinton im mediately turned on the charm and began peppering Afton with questions about herself. "She's getting all flushed, turning red, while I'm just standing there," Fraser recalls. He decided to get her out of there right away, and told the horndog-in- chief that he and Afton had to leave. "Suddenly I was like, 'I don't care if 38 guys are ready to kill me if I take one step to ward this man,' " he recalls. "Afton has never reacted that way to another man since I'd known her." After he calmed down, Fraser says he couldn't blame Afton for getting flustered by Clinton's flat tery. "Clinton is 'The Man,' " Fraser says. "And you know what? I'd do him."
(New York Post)

Um...Brendan Fraser? Bill Clinton? OOPS! Looks like Page Six has accidentally recycled gossip from 1992. Which begs the question, where is Pauly Shore in all of this?

Mother's Day at the Polls

MARTHA Stewart should demand a recount. The doyenne of domesticity did not garner one single vote in an online poll by Child magazine on "Who is your No. 1 female hero?" Just in time for Mother's Day, "your mom" scored a whopping 53.7 percent of the vote, while Hillary Rodham Clinton nabbed 9.9 percent; Kelly Ripa, 8 percent; Angelina Jolie, 6.2 percent; and Madonna, 1.2 percent. When asked to write in their favorite female hero, Laura Bush, Oprah, the Virgin Mary, Mother Teresa, Condoleezza Rice and Gloria Steinem were mentioned.
(New York Post)

Women of America,
PIPA!?!

I like all of the Honorable Mentions. I like that they are less "heroic" figures than a woman who used to wear a vial of blood around her neck and boasted of the exceptional collection of knives she liked to bring into the bedroom. But then, when I put it that way, I guess I get it.

SomeTimes!

First there was the part where we went to the adult. show and adult. played creepy music and Neilgene kept yelling "Spooooky!" and Stevil claims I was doing a "ghost dance" and then Stevil almost got in a fight and then Australia-This-Australia-That said that she had found my tru-luv which was this fat girl in a tu-tu, and so then she tried to push me into Fantasia and so I grabbed A-T-A-T and was basically trying to swing her into Fantasia but then ended up throwing her to the ground, so I helped her up, but while she was making pout-face I was saying, "Don't make pout-face, it's just what you deserve," and for the rest of the weekend Worker #3116 is accused by all of violently throwing Australia-This-Australia-That to the ground.

Then there is the part where it is McCullen's birthday and we have a birthday feast at Q-Doba which should be renamed Awful-Doba. But if you tell them that you go to college they give you soda for 25 cents, which is very little cents for a soda. After the birthday feast we head to the cinemaplex for Annual McCullen Birthday Movie Party, which last year was Van Helsing, and this year is nothing as exciting. Maybe House of Wax, but it wasn't House of Wax. "Let's trip the life fatastic, baby." Then it's all, BARTIME! and so there's that part.

Finally there is this scene from Mother's Day:

Worker #3116: Well, someone entertain me.
Mom #3116: It's Mother's Day, why don't you entertain me?
Worker #3116: What do you want me to entertain you with?
Mom #3116: One of your stories.
Worker #3116: What do you want a story about?
Mom #3116: I don't know. Make one up.
Worker #3116: Sorry, I don't work like that.
Mom #3116: Homie don't play that way?
Worker #3116: ...
Mom #3116: ...

And this earlier scene from Mother's Day, which takes place with telephones:

Mémé #3116: So, what's new?
Worker #3116: Nothing much. Same stuff.
Mémé #3116: That's boring. When am I going to call you and hear something exciting is going on in your life?
Worker #3116: I don't know.

[Some time/conversation passes]

Mémé #3116: So, I had a great day, and you don't have anything to tell me, so I'm done talking to you.
Worker #3116: Ha ha.
Mémé #3116: Ha ha.
Worker #3116: Okay.

Happy Birthday, McCullen

Birthday Feast!
Fun Times!
Funner Times!
Funnest Times!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Oh, I Got the STDs and I Smell Like Herring

DJ Porkhead

If I was a deep house DJ whose DJ name was DJ Porkhead, and I played all my gigs dressed up in a pig costume, I would name my first street-level mix-tape Kick Out the Hams.

Problem Solver

Kill them with kindness. And if that doesn't work just kill them.

Muvers Dyz

i kno its too advnce too tink about a token for mom this comin mothers day but wat do yah guyz tink is the bst gift you can evr give to the woman you owe your lives coz if w/out her your not hir in dis world ryt?.. well.. juz dropin by to tsek if wut do yah guyz tink.. Ü

Unsure what to get your mother for Mother's Day? Might I suggest the blackeyedpeas.com forums as a source of inspiration?

Here are a few things that Black Eyed Peas fans are planning on doing for their mothers this Sunday:

love there is nothing better than love and to let her know you love her and alwaud there for her would really let her know u care,,,,money cant buy love and therofore is more imporotant than ne gift costing money in the world
(Hanna12345)

your ryt!! money cnt buy love...Ü dats why i guess its better to show how you rily love and care for your mum instead of gvin her xpensve thngs but doesnt come frm d bottom of your heart.. Ü
(sweetapl!92)

da best 2 give ur mommy is 2 buy a picture frame and put a pic of u & ur mum or u can bet her some jewerly or u can get her some flowers........hmmm.....i havent wat im gonna give my mum but hopefully ill find something nice.
(BEPFan4Ever)

I'll give something like EAU DE TOILETTE! My mom likes that!
(marciano89)

im bakin her MARSHMELLO COOKIEZ...
plus im gonna giv a huge kiz too.... its all i can think off....
(dianaDiveano)

Looking Good, My Mans!

Cookie, my hair-dresser, gave me an update on her child molestation case, and once again referred to her alien origins. She also claims to have owned the hottest Dominican restaurant...somewhere...before she became my hair-dresser. But her best line of the day was during a discussion about her brother's ill-fated marriage to a 'Jenny from the Block' type figure back in the Bronx...apparently Family Cookie always knew this girl, and then this girl started seducing her brother when they were just teenagers. "I knew she was bad news," Cookie said, "she would start coming in our house just wearing her panties. She was trying to seduce him. I told my sister, I said, '[name of slut] is bad news, look at her, every time she sees Tony she gets chili peppers in her panties.'" They stayed married for sixteen years, because Tony's (and Cookie's) mother wouldn't let him get a divorce. Then she got all pregnant DURING the divorce, with some neurosurgeon's baby. Is there anything else you want to know about my hair-dresser Cookie's life and times? I KNOW EVERYTHING NOW.

Also, take one wild guess in the dark as to who, upon seeing this pop-up ad yesterday, exclaimed "OH WOW! NO WAY! THAT'S NOT...THAT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE!" And then said "Click on it. Come on, I have to see what it's all about.":

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Clown Coffee...

...is gay pussy-whipped.

Line of the Day

Clocked in at 9:49 AM:

"I think you've been way to draconian in your efforts to cake-block me."

Spirit Baby

Worker #3116: She still hasn't written back. I just think that's incredibly rude.
Stevil: Maybe she had a final or something.
Worker #3116: So? She had finals back when she started in with her drama.
Stevil: Maybe she's mystically pregnant...by you...
Worker #3116: With a spirit baby?
Stevil: With your spirit baby.
Worker #3116: Why you spiritually fat?
Stevil: Ha ha.
Worker #3116: You fat with my spirit baby?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Fascinating Trivia Funtimes!

Entry: Godzilla
Posted: May 4, 2005

2,000 foam fish were made to create the fish pile.

It's Your One-Week Pizza Anniversary

alternate punchline to your joke

Reposted from email received May 4, 2005:

From: Neilgene
To: worker3116@gmail.com
Date: May 4, 2005 2:11 PM
Subject: alternate punchline to your joke

"get your black ass out of my office!"

Them Africa's Is Crazy!

BRAD Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise during an animalistic sex session at their Kenyan love nest that security rushed to their room, Star magazine claims. The celeb-obsessed weekly — which breathlessly dubs the Pitt/Jolie affair "the romance of the century" — quotes an insider at the luxury Alfajari Villas beach resort as saying the couple's loud lovemaking "sounded like a wounded animal, like someone being killed!" According to Star, "worried guards grabbed their weapons," rushed to Pitt and Jolie's suite and "hammered furiously on the door with their clubs." Suddenly, the screams stopped, and Pitt's voice was heard from inside the $2,000-a-night villa. "Everything is cool guys," he supposedly said. "You can leave — we're OK." Star reports it found an entry in the Alfajari's "disturbance log" at 2 a.m. on April 20. "People here have great respect for men with sexual prowess who keep their women pleased," the mag quotes an "onlooker." Even better, "another local" relates, "Miss Jolie got so excited, the guards thought maybe Mr. Pitt was taking juju herbs to give him the strength of a lion."
(New York Post)

This reminds me of a story about my parents that I don't think we know each other well enough, yet, for me to tell.

Lesson Learned

The day you eat a pound of bbq pulled pork is a good day.
The day after you eat a pound of bbq pulled pork is a bad day.

Eat It, Page Six

This whole having to register with the fucking New York Post just so I can read my daily celebrity gossip, but then it not working so that it takes days, and multiple man hours, is really tearing me a new asshole. So, you know what?

Fuck them. One free ring-tone for each of my readers!

This Is Called a "Radio Edit"

Q: What did the high school guidance counselor say to the black kid with diarrhea?
A: You need to get your [sound of donkey braying, cow bell] together and decide what to do with your life.

This Is Called a "Call Back"

Q: What did the high school guidance counselor say to the black kid with diarrhea?
A: You need to get your shit together and decide what to do with your life.

More Than Words

Q: Guess how many pounds of bbq pulled pork I ate for dinner last night?






A: 1!

***

OK Tiger: What was that band with that one song that [something unintelligible]?
Swimmer: Crash Test Dummies.
Worker #3116: The fact that you can so easily call to mind the Crash Test Dummies is kind of appalling.
Swimmer: My mind is a steel trap.
Worker #3116: Well then you should gnaw your mind off.

***

Worker #3116: I'm going to download Extreme's "More Than Words" illegally when I get home!
C.J.: But that is a crime!
Worker #3116: I know. Extreme won't be getting compensated for their artistic output when I get home, but I will still benefit from their hard effort.

Also, did you ever realize how "edgy" this song was?:

I'm packed and I'm holding
I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden
and she lives for me
She says she lives for me
Ovation
She's got her own motivation
she comes round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile

It's like a drug for you
Do ever what you want to do
Coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
I come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play, she said
I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby, baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say
Good-bye

The sky it was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal myth
Will lift you up until you break

It won't stop
I won't come down, I keep stock
With a tick-tock rhythm and a bump for the drop
And then I bumped up
I took the hit I was given
Then I bumped again
And then I bumped again
, I said
How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you?
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said

I want something else
to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life baby, baby
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say
good-bye

I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling
An earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When I'm with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right
All right

And When the plane came in
She said she was crashing
The velvet it rips
In the city we tripped
On the urge to feel alive
But now I'm struggling to survive
Those days you were wearing
That velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties
They pass the test
So slide up around the belly
Face down on the mattress


Now you hold me
And we're broken
Still its all that I want to do just a little now,

Feel myself with a head made of the ground
I'm scared but I'm not coming down, no no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws just locked now in smile
but nothing is all right
All right

I want something else
To get me through this
Semi charmed kind of life
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say
Good-bye


Third Eye Blind? More like Third Eye Bad to the Bone!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Bester3116

You won't find me being all into Paul Westerberg any time soon, but he has the best Greatest Hits Collection title ever.

Not that it matters. My dreams of ever releasing a Greatest Hits Collection have been annihilated by my recent diagnosis of undead nunchaku zombie virus. Also: my last name is not Westerberg, so it would be a weird title for me to use.

Give me back my dreams, undead nunchaku zombie virus.

I'm Being Sarcastic, God. About the Funny.

I just think it's kind of fucked up, like those people who survived the tragic events of September the 11th, 2001, in New York City and Washington D.C., when America was ATTACKED, only to end up dying in a car crash a month later or something, that I should have been so lucky as to dodge the bullet of Stage 1 Hypertension only to (un)die from undead nunchaku zombie virus.

Very funny, GOD.

Web MD

Symptoms

You may be suffering the effects of an undead nunchaku zombie virus infection if you experience the following:

Hand turning blackish-green.

Wound suppurating.

Desire for brains intensifying.

Diagnosis

Please see health-care provider and/or have self decapitated with blunted tip of nearby shovel.

Nunchaku of the Dead

Last night in karate class they were making us work with nunchaku, which, if you picked up a pair of nunchaku right this second for the first time in your life you would be as good or better than I am. So, we were hitting stuff with them, and the nunchaku bounced back so that the plastic core (for these are children's/women's nunchaku we're talking about) cut the back of my hand. It's just a small cut, but it's throbbing very painfully. The only conclusion I can draw is that it was infected with zombie virus, and I have now been infected with zombie virus.

Would anyone like to volunteer to decapitate me with an axe and/or destroy my brain-stem with a short-range shotgun blast? For your sake, if you agree to be my executioner, please do it at the first obvious sign of infection. I don't want to be sitting around a mattress store and all of a sudden you realize it's almost too late because I'm coming for your leg or some shit. Eyes all puss-y. Don't make me go out like that.

luvvvvvs alwaze

Reposted from email received May 2, 2005

From: McCullen
Reply-To: "McCullen"
To: worker3116@gmail.com
Date: May 2, 2005 10:57 PM
Subject: luvvvvvs alwaze

Monday, May 02, 2005

A Propo-no

Pause in the conversation and then this:

Clown Coffee puts a cup of water up to his ear, tipping it so that water spills down his face and into the collar of his shirt, and then he leans over to his right and pretends to vomit.

Scene.

Which One of These Is Just Like the Others

WHICH newly married actor isn't so faithful? Before he walked down the aisle with his lovely actress wife, he walked into a bedroom and got nasty with a hard-partying Hollywood starlet whom many know intimately . . . WHICH diminutive rock star isn't so faithful to his lovely wife? While she keeps the home fires burning, he's out being bad with an exotic woman . . . WHICH skirt-chasing actor has been two-timing not only his wife, but the sexy blond superstar that he's been cheating with? The horndog was spotted making out with a lithe young lovely in front of the Mercer Hotel before checking into a suite for more naughtiness.
(New York Post)

Diagnosis: cheating.

No Comment

Ultimate Power

Saturday: Before the Heavy Weight Championship bout between John Ruiz and James Toney, the lie was clearly given to McCullen's and my attempt at hard-core masculinity when we simultaneously, but individually, ran to our respective rooms to illegally download Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch's "Good Vibrations." Either it was that, or it was the part where McCullen said that in the final rounds of boxing, when the fighters get tired and start clinching each other against the ropes, that he likes to turn his head sideways and pretend that they're fucking.

Sunday: McCullen tried to convince me that my girlfriend, Shelly, was turned off when I bought "Ultimate Power" breakfast cereal. He said that she made a face when she saw it, and that she was clearly turned off because, as he put it, she knows that I have fallen for the snake-oil of breakfast cereals, and if that's true then what else will I be so gullible for? But I'm not buying his story, if only for the fact that she gave me a very 'come hither' smile in the frozen foods section. I think, in fact, she recognized that while everyone else is flagging mid-morning with only regular power to sustain them, I will still be going strong with ultimate power, which is a very sexy kind of power.

Besides, McCritic, I'm not the one who was vying for the 17-pound bag of crinkle-cut fries.

This morning I was trying to come up with a joke about diarrhea...I just had the punchline, which was "you need to get your shit together," but diarrhea is gross. It's one of my least favorite joke subjects. So let's move on to the Morning Zoo.

Then on the Morning Zoo this DJ said "big shout out to all the baby's daddies who are taking care of their own, but for those who aren't we've got a song for you," and then they played this song whose sing-songy chorus went:

B-A
B-Y
D-A
D-Y


I don't remember most of it, just the line that went:

I know it's hard/dealing with your baby's mama/
But you ain't payin your bills/so you gots to sell that Honda


HAPPY GRADUATION BROTHER #3116! I'm very excited for when you fearlessly run in the rain on this road we call "life" while you're breathing in bits of digital information!

You So Much More or: I Don't Want To Say I Told

Well, what did I tell you? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

This Is That One Where It's at a Party!
This Is That One Where Awesome!
This Is That One Where Cigarettes Is Cool!
This Is That One Where Dunayevich Is So Fun!
This Is That One Where Classic Emma!
This Is That One Where Dance Now!
This Is That One Where Worker #3116 Is the Best