Thursday, June 30, 2005


I think we were walking down the street when we first noticed it? How we knew right away that the rooftop party we were seeing from the ground was Avril's birthday party is anyone's guess, but I think I was the one to call it out, and there was no trouble getting inside, we just walked up the stairs. She was playing some song, just her and her acoustic guitar, probably "Things I'll Never Say." (If I could say what I want to say/I'd say I wanna blow you/... away/Be with you every night/Am I squeezing you too tight/If I could say what I want to see/I want to see you go down/On me.) The party was dwindling and I remember Avril seemed to go out of her way to ignore me. She was all over her boyfriend, who was this creepy James Franco character, but not F&G Franco, more like ending of Spiderman 2: Spideryerman Franco, sinister and a little weepy. So don't get so excited, ladies. People were leaving, including Avril, but for some reason I stuck around, and the next thing I knew it was just me and Franco, and I was telling him that I needed somewhere to spend the night. He got really angry, but also agreed. Then I heard him on the phone to some other woman, telling her not to worry, that he really loved her. "DUDE! You are engaged to Avril Lavigne, you cannot play her like that!" I told him, but he just gave me mean-eye and walked into the kitchen to get something from his brushed-stainless steel Sub Zero, cradling the cordless phone with his shoulder and saying "no, it was nothing, just the TV." Anyway, I started making myself at home for the next couple of days. It was a beautiful apartment, two floors filled with natural light and an uncovered rooftop deck. I remember Franco was getting so angry that I wouldn't just leave, and I, too, was wondering why I didn't go stay with Ti-1000, or at least call him, because it's not like I spend that much time in New York anymore, but I didn't. At some point Franco suddenly had a child, and I was getting along really well with him, watching his programs with him while we sat on this designer couch and asking him what he wanted me to cook him for dinner, and Franco's icy barrier was starting to melt. But things took a turn for the irreparable worse when some Black Riders from Mordor arrived to arrest us. I watched as Franco secretly gave the One Ring of Power to Avril Lavigne and told her to "keep it secret, keep it safe," as we were led away. Even then, though, I could see something brewing behind those iron-gray eyes of his, and I knew we were all in deep trouble.

Then I woke up and it had all just been my dream!

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Temporary Employee, Permanently Nasty

I just encountered a temp in the bathroom. Clown Coffee has nicknamed him "The Troll," but I am still debating between two other nickname candidates: Balding Weeble Wobble, and Mr. Potato Body. Anyhow, I saw Mr. Potato Body in the bathroom, coming out of a stall. He turned on the water for half of a second. Pst. No more. And walked out. Now, look, I'm sure he's not the only foul monster in this building who goes to the bathroom and doesn't wash his hands. In fact, I have a feeling that I'd score 80% accuracy in the Hot Caff if I were to point out walking e. coli transport vehicles. But if you're going to be that way, all nasty and offensive, do it when you are alone in the bathroom. Grin to yourself as you leave, thinking no one knows that when I shake their hand or lay a file on their desk that later they will inadvertently be eating some of my excrement when they chomp into a Crunchwrap Supreme without washing their hands. But if someone else is in the bathroom with you, bite the big bullet and use soap. If you're all super nefarious, like you know someone has seen you leave the stall, but you simply refuse to wash your hands because the puerile delight of smearing shit all over your work station because you're a temp and it makes you mad and you just want to fuck everyone up is too strong, then have the intelligence to at least pretend so that I am not onto your plan. Leave the water running for THREE seconds, and use some paper towel to fake dry your fake wet hands.


How Are We Doing?

McCullen:My iPod started working again today, right after I got the box and stuff to ship it back.
Worker #3116: Well, you should still send it. Even if it's working, you don't want to NOT get it fixed and then have that error show up again in a month.
McCullen: I know, but on the complaint form it asked if the error was continuous or intermittent, and I put continuous. But now it looks like it's intermittent.
Worker #3116: ...
McCullen: So now I'm going to go to jail.
Worker #3116: At least you'll have a working iPod.
McCullen: Where will I charge it? They won't let me charge it in my cell, only battery-operated appliances.
Worker #3116: ...
McCullen: Great! I'm just going to have to leave it in the common area and hope no one steals it.
Worker #3116: Here's what you do. Take your iPod—
McCullen: I'm going to have to do hard labor—
Worker #3116: LISTEN! Take your iPod and just leave it in your cell, for a couple weeks. Go to the library on your free-time, read up on electrical engineering and design a device that will transfer the energy created by your hard labor into a portable battery pack on your hip that you can then connect to your iPod at night.
McCullen: They're not even going to send me to a good prison, it's going to be some shitty prison off the coast of Malay or some shit.
Worker #3116: Sounds beautiful.
McCullen: Yeah, except I'll get malaria.
Worker #3116: From a black man/mosquito.
McCullen: From a pregnant black man/mosquito.
Worker #3116: Well, I guess from now on you'll be more careful filling out customer complaint forms.

A Message to Girls 18-25 Who Have Been Accepted to MTV's The Realest World

The day you are accepted to MTV's The Realest World will be one of the happiest days of your life. You and your boyfriend will probably go out to celebrate. You will notice that there is something subdued or even sad in his face, but you will be too thrilled with the news to pay it any real attention. Later, as your departure approaches, you will have some fights with your boyfriend, the basic gist of such fights being if he really loves you why can't he just be happy for you since this is what you want, versus his position that you are going to sleep with everyone in the house. Of course, at this moment all you're thinking about is the plasma screen TV you might win when you enter The Realest World/Roadest Rules Hell Challenge after your season of RW is finished taping and tossed in the junk bin of pop culture flotsam. Your fights usually end with wistful, kind of annoyed make-up sex, since this fight just keeps happening over and over, and it's not getting anywhere, and you're starting to just wish you could go to Portland or Marseille, or whatever other end-of-the-Earth the producers are going to find for your season. The day you leave you really are, honestly, sad to leave your boyfriend, but you also are excited, and if it was meant to be, you think, then the two of you will weather whatever may come.

This is called a "fucking retarded idea."

Almost as soon as you enter that over-decorated, super-illuminated compound you will find yourself attracted to one of the Abercrombie and Fitch models that has been selected for your roommate. Initially you will just pray that he's not a fag, and when he starts asking about your boyfriend you'll get a little excited. At first, maybe for the first half hour, you will talk about your boyfriend a lot, how long you've been together, how much trauma the two of you have jointly suffered, how he's the only one who's ever really been there for you. It is a ruse. This boy wants in your pants, and who's to stop him? Certainly not you. You're not big on confrontation. Eventually you pretend like the pressure was just too strong, as if anything more than a stiff sugar-rimmed daquiri and a gentle "Huh?" was needed. You give in. Later you talk to your boyfriend and get upset with HIM, turning it around on HIM, that he couldn't be more sensitive to what you are going through. True, you cheated on him within forty-eight hours of arriving, but he doesn't KNOW that so why is he being such a JERK.

Here is what I want you to remember: people cheat. People lie. People fool around. All-in-all, what you are doing is basically what any emotionally immature, mildly inebriated 18-25 year-old would do in your situation. Maybe you were right, maybe you should have just broken up with your boyfriend before even leaving Missouri or Wisconsin or whatever backwater they've brought you from to give the show a fresh-face of innocence. But you didn't. You thought that yours would be the only relationship in the history of the show to survive the raging hormone riot that is The Realest World, with the possible exception of that really ugly girl who used to cut herself with a Hello Kitty pocketknife, but she doesn't count because no one in the house wanted her, and she left the show early, and besides, she cheated on her boyfriend, too, he was just too much of a pussy to stand up for himself. So you're just normal. Just as much of a terrible person as everyone else. And weak. No one blames you. But bear this in mind: when you have already slept around with one of your roommates, and when you claim that you are as attracted to said roommate as you have ever been to your boyfriend or any other guy ever, then it is not really an act of "courage" or "bravery" to leave your boyfriend. It's not really "going out on [your] own to learn about [your]self" when you've got a well-muscled back-up plan waiting in your bed in his boxer shorts.


Because You Should Know

Top 4 Killers

4. I Can't Remember
3. Killer Bees
2. Snakes
1. Black Men/Mosquitos
(Animal Planet)

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Oh, and Tom Cruise

About 75 million years ago, a nefarious intergalactic warlord called Xenu rounded up the inhabitants of numerous planets, killed them, and brought them to Earth, then set off a chain reaction of cataclysmic volcanoes, which dispersed their thetans into the atmosphere. These thetans now fester inside the bodies of all humans. They are to be located in specific body parts and summoned out.

People who believe this:
John Travolta and his wife, Kelly Preston
Kirstie Alley
Jason Lee
Priscilla Presley
Lisa Marie Presley
Chick Corea
Isaac Hayes
Nancy Cartwright
Jenna Elfman
Danny Masterson
Giovanni Ribisi
Jerry Seinfeld
Patrick Swayze
Juliette Lewis

How Much Fun Is This, Bro?

BFFs 4eva!
Best Bros

In Real Life, I Hate Vodka

I dreamt last night that I went to Chicago with Mom #3116. The details are a little hazy now, but I do remember that right after we had lunch I made her stop at a Byron's for a Chicago red hot, and that we ate them at an outside table across from Cabrini Green, and that there was a really threatening wigger at the table with us, who kept his arm around his black girlfriend's shoulders the whole time. Also: I was drinking from a bottle of vodka in a paper bag during the whole dream. Later, after the hot dog, we walked to the Loop where we met up with Matthew Perry, and Matthew Perry and Mom #3116 went shopping for gowns and diamonds.

I remember this one time in summer camp when the bus drove past Cabrini Green and one of my camp-mates threw a gang sign out the window and a bunch of other kids freaked out and said we were going to get killed. I like the idea of a gang member becoming enraged at 2:30 in the afternoon by a little white hand throwing a gang-sign out of the window of a passing school bus, and vowing to hunt down that child and make him pay dearly for crossing the wrong thug's turf.

Totally unrelated to the dream, I wrote this piece of dialogue this morning, which I'm just going to give you context free.


As it happens I just fucked out my last condom this afternoon. Ha ha ha, you know, I was going to buy some myself. I take it you’re out?


All out.


It’s just as well, I don’t even think Jesus could get me to come again without a good night’s rest.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Let Him Go. Fight. Let Him Go. Fight.

One of my favorite things about boxing is when the fighters hug each other at the end. This always happens. The reason that I like it is because it teaches me that it is okay to want to literally KNOCK SOMEONE THE FUCK OUT. That doesn't make you a bad person incapable of love or friendship. In fact, you can love and befriend the very person you wanted to kill, quite literally, seconds earlier. So when I am threatening to fight you in the street, know that you might get a hug out of it at the end.

Another thing that I like about boxing is the bizarre hyperbole of the announcers. I don't watch very many other televised sports, so I don't know that this is as exclusive to boxing as it sometimes seems, but, okay, let me give you an example:

"You better go to the street Wade was born on and get some water there if you want to be a fighter, because that's...I mean, that's basically the only way to get whatever it is he's got."

Does that make any sense? I mean, I get the whole "there must have been something in the water" sentiment, but to encourage a strange pilgrimage to the same street for anyone who wants to be a fighter in such hackneyed language...did I mention that Wade was losing the fight at this point, and was, in fact, assured a technical loss unless he knocked Arturo "Thunder" Gatti cold, which he didn't? I didn't mention that, huh? If you want to be a resilient but ultimately failed fighter you should go to the street that Wade was born on and get some water there.

If you try to call me on Thursday and get my voicemail this is why.

Friday, June 24, 2005

I Like Death Metal, Scarification, and Napoleon Dynamite

Sixth full length from Sweden's Arch Enemy. Their superior blend of brutality and melody accounts for an ever-growing fanbase. Look for hype galore as they play this summer's Ozzfest. Enhanced CD features buddy icons, screen savers and photo gallery. Also includes fold-out full color poster.

LOL, Arch Enemy. LOL.

Also: ;)

I Only Talk About Things I Don't Understand

If you're not an idiot, then you know that one of the best things about Tom Cruise is how he, much like IAmJamieSabuda and Donald Rumsfeld, will insist on something without using any factual information to back up his claims. He will just keep repeating it, over and over, until you understand exactly how right he is, and what a bleeding asshole you are for thinking anything otherwise.

Today's example is a perfect example:

Tom Cruise: Do you know what Adderall is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug?
Matt Lauer: I understand the abuse of all these things --
Tom Cruise: [interrupting] Yeah but you don't understand the history of these drugs. And if you do, you know that it masks the problem. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance!
Matt Lauer: But --
Tom Cruise: No, Matt, I know these things --
[Then later …]
Matt Lauer: So, depression -- is it all gobbledy gook?
Tom Cruise: No, Matt, I'm not saying that. That's an alteration of what I'm saying. These drugs are dangerous, mind-altering chemicals. There are ways of handling these problems so that we don't end up in a Brave New World.
Matt Lauer: You want [other people] to do well, but you want them to do well on a road that you approve of.
Tom Cruise: No --
Matt Lauer: [interrupting] But if anti-depressants worked for Brooke Shields, isn't that OK?
Tom Cruise: I disagree with it.
Matt Lauer: But aren't there examples where it works?
Tom Cruise: You don't even know what Ritalin is! If you read the papers on how they came up with the drug, the dosage ... You should be more responsible in knowing what it is. I am responsible. I know these things.
Matt Lauer: You're saying that you know how it affected people you don't know, but I do? You're now telling me that what has and hasn't worked for people I know, and I'm telling you I lived with these people and I saw an improvement.
Tom Cruise: So you're advocating?
Matt Lauer: No, I'm not. I'm just saying that in their individual cases, it helped them ... We could go in circles on this matter. But do you want more people to understand Scientology? Is that a goal of yours?
Tom Cruise: Of course. And I don't talk about things I don't understand.

It's too bad that we don't live in the near future of the awesome Ethan Hawke vehicle, Gattaca, where babies can be genetically created to select only the most perfect characteristics. That way, when Katie Holmes got fat with her Tom Cruise baby, it would be good looking with an overblown sense of entitlement, but they could weed out the serious fucking "lock him in the attic and slip his food under the door and leave him there until he dies and then we can bury him in the back next to Bertha Mason" craziness of this fucking monster.

Truth in Advertising

[Willford Brimley appears on TV advertising for the Diabetes]

Worker #3116: Oh my God, he's still alive?
McCullen: No, he's dead.
Worker #3116: I can't believe they're still using these commercials.
McCullen: Why?
Worker #3116: You don't use dead people in commercials, especially not for diabetes. You don't want to associate preventative medicine with someone who died from disease.
McCullen: They use dead people in commercials all the time.
Worker #3116: No they don't.
McCullen: What are you talking about? Sure they do.

[McCullen changes the channel.]

McCullen: See. Right there.
Worker #3116: ...
McCullen: She's dead.
Worker #3116: ...
McCullen: ...
Worker #3116: Maya Angelou is not dead.
McCullen: Of course she is. You're an idiot.

Wilford Brimley, RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!

These Little Piggies Went to Market and Then They Went Home

McCullen and Worker #3116 Combined Purchases, 6/23/2005:

1 camouflage bandana
1 can fluorescent green spraypaint
60 yrds light-blue ribbon
6 Hanes medium sized white crew-neck t-shirts
1 jar salsa

laying on top of 100 billion dollers fuckin ciara

In a weather report this morning they said it would be a high of 96, but that it would feel more like 100.

Ha ha ha.

Person: Boy it's hot.
Worker #3116: I know, it's got to be like, 96 degrees out here.
Person: I'd say it's 100.
Worker #3116: Really? You can feel that four degree difference?
Person: Feels like 100.
Worker #3116: You're an asshole.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Shine My Shoes

That old guy got 60 years in prison for the slaying of those black and Jews. He won't be released until he is 140, most of his youth wasted behind bars.

Seriously, though, now the white people can rest easy, knowing that racism no longer exists, and all the criminals have been punished.

Did you hear what I said, blacks? LET IT GO! We've nipped the problem in its old, wrinkled bud.

Frozen or Melting: Perspective

I feel like my brain has completely shut down. There's nothing going on in there, like that eerie silence when your refrigerator's compressor turns off for five minutes and you're like "Oh shit, all my food's getting hot!"

It has been so long since I have had an interesting thought or idea that I can't even remember when the last time was. Probably in March. Maybe it's the weather. I need that cool air to keep my mind sharp! SHARP AS TACKS! Now I'm all butter dish in the cupboard. Sure, it's easier to spread, but it's also disgusting because it's mushy and room temperature.

Since I no longer seem to be able to do for myself, please send all thoughts and ideas to:
Worker #3116
Cubicle D-489
5th floor, Bldg. 1

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The Real World: Castle Greyskull

So, the new season of MTV's The Realest World premiered last night, and it looks like it's going to be Texplosive! Let's just say this: in the very first episode, one of the guys gets in a fight and his SKULL IS FRACTURED. ON HIS SECOND NIGHT IN TOWN. Awesome. There was this dent in his head where his temple got punched in and the doctor said he might lose his vision in that eye or get retarded. How would the other roommates in the house feel if they had to hold his hand every time they left the house, and clean up the dribble from his juice and crackers snacktime? Joey like play outsides! Spoon!

I also liked the part where he came home mildly concussive and yelled at the black guy that the reason he got skull-punched was because the black guy left the bar? "I got punched in the face FOR YOU, and you were already back AT THE HOUSE!" Granted, this guy, let's call him Skulletor, is the same one who said "Wes is just your typical frat guy, and I LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM."

Youths of America, get your heads out of your asses.

They showed scenes from the upcoming season and it looks like everyone gets an STD, three of the housemates get arrested, and the guy whose face is shattered's mom dies, or his dad goes to prison or something.

Could You Get the Phone?
I'mma stop being polite and start getting punched in my grill.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Hop Aboard My Brain Train

540 Kick→
Could I Do Backflips?→
That Kid Joe in High School Could Do Backflips→
That Kid Joe in High School Was Normal at First→
Then He Turned into a Creepy Homosexual Vampire→
What Was Up With That?→


It is the first day of summer, and you know what that means: sweat!

Here are the few things I know:

1. I broke a toe last night. At the very least I am suffering from a horrific case of toe cancer.
2. I've been having my airport dream again this week, but it is changing. Now I am not running late to catch a plane, but am forgetting to take my luggage, or getting on the plane and realizing I forgot my ipod at les grandparents #3116's house.
3. There is a kick called the 540. Many of my black-belt friends have been working for years on this kick with little to no success. I achieved this kick on my first try. Power emanates from my body in bold, shimmering sheets.
4. When Clown Coffee asked me where I got my bagel this morning I told him that I brought it from home. When he gave me a look and said, "No, I mean where did it come from, did you make it?" I replied, "Make it? What do you think this is? Little Chabad House on the Prairie?"
5. This is a funny thing to say.


Monday, June 20, 2005

Two Dollars

This is a good story for keeping with today's blow-job theme. It was told by my Ha-Ha teacher.

He knows a guy who lives in L.A. (That's Los Angeles, which is this big city on the West Coast. Whatever, it doesn't matter.) Recently, the guy was walking down the street when a homeless crackhead approached him. "Hey, man, I'll suck your dick for two dollars," the homeless crackhead said. "What?" the guy asked. "I'll suck your dick for two dollars." "No, that's okay, thanks." The guy started to walk away and the homeless crackhead threw his hands up in despair. "TWO DOLLARS!" he cried out, as if the price were the sticking point.

And then you laugh.

X Marks the Spot

Dear Enemies,

When you were having so much fun on Saturday night, who provided that fun for you? Crossovers did. So, where were you when I was throwing up? Maybe it's time to put the lies aside for a moment and admit that you are all back-stabbers, because you KNOW I don't drink cheap wine, and you know I WAS drinking cheap wine, and you did NOTHING to save me from myself.

Anyhow, Crossovers was an extraordinary success, and you should be looking for the new Crossovers "X Marks the Spot" myspace profile soon.

Worker #3116: Welcome to Crossovers, where smiles are welcome and tips even more so.
Totally Plastered Girl: [unintelligible] you [unintelligible] blow-job [unintelligible] it just seems like the polite thing to do.
Worker #3116: What?
Totally Plastered Girl: You are so cute.
Worker #3116: Thank you.
Totally Plastered Girl: I need to go home.
Worker #3116: Okay.
Totally Plastered Girl: When you see your girlfriend, tell her that you met an amazing woman.
Worker #3116: I will.
Totally Plastered Girl: Tell your girlfriend you met an amazing 36-year-old woman with two kids.
Worker #3116: ...

Friday, June 17, 2005

Get Out of My Dreams and Get Out of My Car

I own this:

An Customer says 'I was rocking out so hard in my car that I almost crashed!'

Just thought you'd want to know.

NEWSFLASH: Gay Man to Wed!

Tom Cruise Proposes to Katie Holmes

Published: June 17, 2005
Filed at 8:24 a.m. ET

PARIS (AP) -- Actor Tom Cruise said he and girlfriend Katie Holmes are engaged, after he popped the question early Friday morning atop the Eiffel Tower.

Cruise, speaking at a Paris news conference with Holmes, said: "Yes, I proposed to her."

The couple often shared smiles and blushes as Cruise turned to look at her, with a massive diamond ring on her finger.

"It was early this morning at the Eiffel Tower, so I haven't slept at all," he said. "Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman."

Asked why he chose the famed Paris landmark, he said: "I've never been to the Eiffel Tower. It's Paris, it's a beautiful city, it's very romantic."

Cruise said no date for a wedding has been set: "We haven't discussed that—one step at a time," he said. "Let's see. We're not sure."

Cruise, 42, was in Paris to promote the French release of the Steven Spielberg film War of the Worlds next month. He and 26-year-old Holmes went public with their romantic relationship in April.

Holmes did not speak to reporters, but at one point, Cruise whispered to her: "Are you OK?" Afterward, the two hurried into a car before leaving for a promotional event in Marseilles, southern France.

"I wish them the happiest marriage that anyone has ever had," said Dakota Fanning, the child actress who co-stars with Cruise in the film. She sat next to Holmes during the news conference.

Cruise and Holmes have faced repeated rumors of marriage. The relationship started after Cruise split from actress Penelope Cruz, and Holmes and actor Chris Klein called off their long-standing engagement.

While in Berlin two days ago, Cruise dismissed speculation by tabloid newspapers and celebrity gossip columns that their relationship is a stunt to promote their new movies.

Holmes was in London earlier this week to promote her new film, Batman Begins. She had also dismissed accusations that the couple had staged a relationship for publicity.

Holmes said then that she was embracing Scientology—Cruise's religion. The former star of television's Dawson's Creek grew up with a poster of Cruise on her bedroom wall and has said she grew up wanting to marry him.

There is so much that could be said, or left unsaid, about this, that maybe I'll just leave well enough alone (Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman. That's right, everybody, A WOMAN!) But, just this one thing: The only person on record who believes this is for real is an 11-year-old girl who starred opposite Sean Penn in I Am Sam. She wishes them the happiest marriage that anyone ever had, and that one day her pony will learn how to fly and take her to Candyopolis.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Look Out, Michiko Kakutani, Ramseelbird Has "The Sight"

Young girl, heck. Diary of a young woman is more like it., July 30, 2004
Reviewer: E. Bird "Ramseelbird" (Manhattan, NY)

Imagine that someday you are remembered for all eternity at a very particular time and at a very particular age. You could be remembered forever as being 25 on September the 11th or you could be remembered as being 44 when JFK was shot. It seems awfully cruel for someone to be remembered between the ages of 13 to 15. Do you remember what you were like at that age? Would you want anyone to think of you as that old for as long as your name is remembered? Such is the fate of Anne Frank. Now, I never read this book when I was young. High schools, in my experience, tend to assign the play version of this story when they want to convey Anne Frank's tale. Anne tends to be remembered as the little girl who once wrote, "I still believe that people are really good at heart" in spite of her sufferings. So I should be forgiven for expecting this book to be the dewy-eyed suppositions of a saintly little girl. Instead, I found someone with verve, complexity, and a personality that I did not always particularly like. What I discovered, was the true Anne Frank.

The diary of Anne begins when she is 13 years of age and the Jews are already wearing yellow stars in Amsterdam. Anne is your usual precocious girl, flirting with boys and being impudent when she can get away with it. When at last the time comes for the Franks to go into hiding (Margot Frank, Anne's sister, has been issued an order for her removal) they do so with another family, the Van Daans. In a small floor hidden above Otto Frank's old workplace the two families are aided by faithful friends and employees. Over the course of the diary we watch and listen through Anne's eyes as, for two years, the people in the attic are put through terrible deprivations and trials. There are good times and bad, but Anne is a singularly biased narrator and her observations must usually be taken with a grain of salt. After a while you become so comfortable with Anne's observations and voice that the final page of the narrative comes as a shock when the capture of Anne and her family is finally announced.

I recently had the mixed pleasure of finding and rereading my own diary from around the age of 14. After forcing myself to look through the occasional passage here and there I was forced to conclude that for her age, Anne is a marvelous writer. She has a sense of drama, tension, and narrative that is particularly enthralling. It's painful to think about what a great writer she could have been had she lived any longer. Honestly, the Anne I met in this book showed all the worst characteristics of her age. I found her detestation of her own mother to be particularly repugnant. Then I remembered... she's an early adolescent. Of course she hates her mother! Of course she's just simply awful a lot of the time. But you can see who she's becoming, and that's what makes the book so hard to get through. You can see her growth and her character. You know that she's learning and trying to understand what it means to be a human being during World War II. It's all the more awful that this would be the age she was preserved at.

The book is remarkable on so many levels. I think young teenage girls will understand Anne's plight intrinsically. Who couldn't? Who doesn't remember the rocky years of 13-15? (I'm sorry, I just HAVE to interject here, because the reviewer's point is SO valid. Those years hiding from the SS are always the toughest. Hormones!) The need for attention? The sobbing for no particular reason? By the end of the diary, Anne becomes far more philosophical. She no longer records the family's every move and action. Instead, she ponders questions like whether or not young people are lonelier than old people. Or what it means to be good. Though you may not like the protagonist of this book at all times, you come to understand and sympathize with her. She is a remarkable author, all the more so when you consider that this diary was written for her eyes alone at the time. If I could require kids to read something in school, I think this would top the list. It probably remains the best Holocaust children's book in existence today.

Matchmaker #3116

Worker #3116: Pat is a fat person's name.
Mom #3116: What?!
Worker #3116: There are just some names that everyone who has that name is fat. Like Beth. Gross.
Mom #3116: Ha ha.
Worker #3116: It's true. They're all fat.
Mom #3116: We know a Beth who isn't fat.
Worker #3116: She used to be.
Mom #3116: No.
Worker #3116: Yeah, she's just is too embarrassed to tell you.
Mom #3116: She's cute.
Worker #3116: Sure, for an ex-fat person.
Mom #3116: You might like her.
Herb #3116: I think she's got a boyfriend.
Mom #3116: She plays the harp.
Worker #3116: OH JESUS! The harp! Come ON! That's just a gateway to worse things, like poetry.
Mom #3116: Ha ha.
Worker #3116: What are you trying to do to me?
Mom #3116: ...
Worker #3116: The more you describe her, the worse she sounds.
Mom #3116: What would make her sound attractive?
Worker #3116: That she doesn't know you guys, for one.


Off the Lanyard:
Something is excellent. Yo, that party was totally off the lanyard!

Arts and Crafts:
A bogus waste of time. Shut up. I don't need you spitting your arts and crafts in my ear.

To be dating. Me and her is on the buddy-system.

Panty Raid the Wrong Cabin:
An unsuccessful attempt to date someone, either because of rejection, or because the other party was of a different sexual orientation. He tried to hit on her, but he panty raided the wrong cabin, she's got a boyfriend. Or He tried to hit on her, but he panty raided the wrong cabin, she's a dyke.

Bug Juice:
Alcohol. Come over at 9. Bring some bug juice. Let's get crunked up.

Free Swim:
To go crazy. I was talking to him yesterday and he seemed fine, but then this morning, I don't know, maybe he's upset about something, but he was going totally Free Swim.

Delicious. This pasta primavera your moms made is totally smores.

Something unfortunate. I got leeches, bro. My moms died.

Capture the Flag:
To get laid. I captured the flag last night. Twice.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Wet Dreams on My Face!

Man, I did something WRONG last night, man, and I don't know what it was. Man.

First, I couldn't fall asleep. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night with major erections, twice. Then, I had a dream that my karate teacher told me I was going to hurt myself if I didn't gain a lot more weight. Then, I had a dream that I went to my parents' house for dinner, but they didn't make enough steak, and everyone got some but me, AND I WOKE UP CRYING. Then, I woke up twice this morning thinking that my alarm had gone off and I had missed it, which is impossible.

Here's an unrelated thought, though, since I have no idea what the FUCK was going on last night: why hasn't someone invented maxi-pads for armpits? They would go on under your shirt and absorb all the sweat. For people like me, who suffer from acute Stage II armpit cancer, this would be a good invention. Let's get it going, Playtex.


Crossovers is going to be off the lanyard this weekend!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The Internet Does Not Lie, McCullen

Your search - "butter is a seasoning" - did not match any documents.

Boy Talks to Lady to Start the Song

I did an internet search for the lyrics to The Game's "The Documentary," hoping to share the opening dialogue with you, my worst enemies, but this is all I found:

[Boy talks to lady to start the song]

That is such a grotesque understatement that I've decided to transcribe the opening dialogue.

8-year-old Boy: Bitch, I want my motherfuckin' money back.
Asian Lady Grocer: You only gave me five dollars.
8-year-old Boy: I gave you twenty motherfuckin' dollars.
Asian Lady Grocer: No you didn't, you only gave me five dollars.
8-year-old Boy: No, I gave you twenty, and I ain't gonna sit here and argue with your flat-ass face, homegirl. This is America! You know what's the thing aboutch y'all motherfuckers...
Asian Lady Grocer: Go home!
8-year-old Boy: Well I ain't leavin' nowhere till I get my motherfuckin' change. I'm gonna blow this motherfucka up if I don't get my motherfuckin' change.
Asian Lady Grocer: [Shouts something in Asian]
8-year-old Boy: Shamba-lamba-la my ass, I want my fuckin' change.

Loosely translates as "Boy talks to lady to start the song."

Dear Editor, Edit THIS!

I'm not sure if you've noticed, but the New York Times has replaced retired op-ed columnist William "I Eat Jew Babies" Safire with John "Regis Philbin" Tierney:

They Said to Just Be Yourself. HEY WORLD, HERE I AM!

Anyway, you probably were thinking, like I was thinking, that no one could be a bigger choad than Safire. WRONG. Have I introduced you to my new friend, John Tierney?

He is so infuriatingly retarded that I have taken to writing the New York Times every time Tierney writes a column. I will be reposting those letters here.

Date: May 24, 2005 11:40 AM
Subject: What Women Want

Dear Editor,

I hesitate in writing because I get the feeling Mr. Tierney selected the subject and headline of his most recent editorial in order to "stir the pot," and I'd rather not take the bait. Nevertheless, I felt compelled to contact you not so much out of outrage as disbelief. Mr. Tierney's argument is so specious as to be ridiculous, and becomes offensive when it results in thinly veiled, ultimately unquestioning cheerleading for the status-quo. In reading his column I was reminded of the recent snafu involving Harvard president Lawrence H. Summers and his raising of the question of inherent intellectual differences posing as an obstacle to women entering the sciences. Where, to the best of my understanding, Mr. Summers was posing the question in order to inspire investigation and research, Mr. Tierny takes the opposite tack of posing the question simply to provide his own answer, which is that women are by nature not competitive so why rock the boat? His mild suggestion that "you can argue that this difference is due to social influences," is quickly brushed aside by his asserted opinion that it is "largely innate." Really? Based on what evidence, Mr. Tierny? My complaint is not with the idea that women are innately less competitive. By all accounts, that could be true (despite the many examples to the opposite, Mrs. Clinton and Ms. Stewart coming readily to mind). But to simply brush aside the social construct of competition as the playing field upon which masculinity is decided is not only hackneyed, but bizarre. Considering the fact that many school systems have only recently added, and some continue to lobby for, fully-funded all-girls sports teams, or that women were admitted to the Citadel only after that institution's policies were deemed unconstitutional by the United States Supreme Court in 1996, would at the very least indicate that there are some very serious social forces at work in deciding who feels comfortable in or naturally gravitates towards the thick of competition.

I would like to reiterate that the question that Mr. Tierney pretends to propose is a valid one, but the simplistic and simple-minded lengths he goes to immediately dismiss and refute the question are condescending, and seem beneath your editorial standard as one of our country's leading intellectual and journalistic institutions.

Worker #3116

Date: June 14, 2005 10:21 AM
Subject: The Old and the Rested

Dear Times,

John Tierney's columns remind me of the position papers we wrote in high-school composition class, where the thesis had to be bolded and underlined on page one, and an outline format was used to keep you on track, but rigorous research and copious footnotes backing up the paper's claims were not heavily enforced because, gee, at least we were trying hard. In Tierney's latest column, his precepts are imaginary. I know plenty of people who would love to work beyond the age of 65. His assumption that no one over that age wants to work doesn't even rise to the level of "anecdotal." I was stunned by the blatant tossing around of fantasies and big, sloppy generalizations as truth: Does a small, elite group of aged athletes prove that everyone over 65 should not only be working, but running marathons? Mr. Tierney claims that less than 10 percent of people between the ages of 65 and 75 are in ill health, but then fails to define what that means. Enforced bed rest? The sniffles? Who knows, he doesn't bother to specify. And on and on. The fatuous, almost offensive idea that Social Security is a system that "promotes greed and sloth" runs counter to reality. I would love for Mr. Tierney to name someone who is getting rich off of his or her Social Security check. They may already be rich, but if that is the case, the impetus towards greed and sloth that might cause them to withdraw their tax dollars from the system certainly doesn't lie in the paltry check they will later receive from the government. AND ARE WE SERIOUSLY LOOKING TO CHILE FOR ECONOMIC LEADERSHIP? WHAT THE FUCK, JOHN TIERNEY?

I look forward to future bafflement from your editorial page, in the form of John Tierney opinions.
Worker #3116

Monday, June 13, 2005


I found a copy of The O.C.: Mix 4 at work today. You know, the excellent compilation cd of all your favorite Pinback and Modest Mouse songs from FOX's hit teen drama, The O.C.? Anyway, the cover art features drawings of Seth, Ryan, Summer, and Marissa, all ostensibly torn from a sketchbook that Cohen keeps. Is this something that was ever discussed on the show? Because the drawings in the liner notes of, like, Mr. Oats and stuff are pretty well done. Is this his passion? Or maybe Anna drew them before she left? They were preliminary sketches for her Mr. Oats comic book?

My point is that the four drawings feature our favorite characters in superhero guises, like Ryan being super ripped and wearing a BLACK wife-beater with leather gauntlets and a big, wide, superbelt, etc. But the drawing of Marissa has her in a pink Wonderwomanish outfit, rocking on her heels, and holding a flask high in the air with all these bubbles and swirly lines around her. HA HA HA HA. I just love the idea of someone being like, "Look, guys, I drew cartoons of each of us as superheroes. Ryan, here's you in a pretty tough looking outfit, and Summer, you're totally hot in your black latexy suit, and here's Marissa, the WONDERDRUNK. Get it? We're best friends! YOU'VE GOT TO WANT TO GET HELP!"


Friday Night Zoo:
MTV refuses to broadcast 7,0000 episodes of NeXt! in a row, so Worker #3116 is forced to watch a broken Sopranos DVD that does not work, and then other television before going to bed early. Also he cleans up the house a little bit with McCullen. FRIDAY NIGHT FOREVER!

Saturday Night Zoo:
Dinner party comes off like a dream. A dream about dinner. It is a good vibe. Everyone seems very jazzed. Neilgene brings his own hand-towel. The guest of honor (the_boroughs) makes mint juleps for everyone, which Neilgene takes to calling "Freedom Mojitos". No one eats the chocolate fondue, so we are left with one and a half pounds of pound cake, and a giant bowl of fruit that as of this morning had started to rot. This dialogue happens:

the_boroughs: McCullen, you look really strong, have you been working out?
McCullen: Help me on this one, there's got to be some rejoinder.
Worker #3116: He's been eating out.

Later, at the place we went to, where did all those people come from? And how come on the ride home Australia-This-Australia-That got very emotional when Jay-Z's "Lucifer" came on the stereo? "Could we please NOT listen to this!?!" She must have broken up with someone while listening to the Black Album. And I'm not about to get all up in other people's business, but doesn't "99 Problems" make a lot more sense as a break-up song?

Sunday Zoo:
Worker #3116 spends three hours at the gym trying to sweat out the toxins of the previous night's dream dinner party. That night at dinner with his family, this dialogue occurs:

Worker #3116: Easy on the food, tubby.
Brother #3116: I'm sorry I'm so fat.
Worker #3116: We all are.
Brother #3116: I make the world a happier place.
Worker #3116: You make the world a heavier place.

Worker #3116 laughs and laughs and laughs. Poor, fat brother #3116.

Morning Zoo:
DJ: This morning we're talking about a very important issue in relationships. Who do you think pushes love and marriage these days? I think it's the man, now, because we see that women is more aggressive in the work place, and when you see a woman who's working hard but then she still come home at the end of the day and takes care of you, you're like, "Oh, I got to hold on to this!"

Friday, June 10, 2005

I Think I'm Bored With My Life

This morning I watched the guy in the car behind me grin all crazy into his rearview mirror, and then pull down his sun visor and grin into that. Once he was sure there was nothing disgusting in his teeth, he rinsed his mouth with orange soda. Only the foulest assholes drink soda in the morning. But orange soda? That's like a whole new genre of nast.

The babies are gone. Neighbors took the babies to court and said stop crying, and if you're going to cry, go cry somewhere where we can't hear you. Now there is a sign up in the babies' house saying that it is available for rent immediately, and that they accept food stamps. There's going to be a crack family living below me, smoking up their crack, frying chicken, being shiftless and lazy with car parts on the porch. At first we will be at odds, but then we will become best friends and burn the houses of our enemies.


First, though, we might just burn down our own house. My landlord is such an asshole that McCullen and I decided the best course of action was to move all our stuff on the lawn, cover it with a tarp, and set 1307 ablaze. That would teach him. Teach him to SHUT UP.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Less Sam Weir #3116 and More Alan White #3116

My horoscope made some analogy between conversation and dogeball, saying that conversation is not like dodgeball, or something, and that I have to get better at conversation. What I need to get better at is dodgeball, which I'm already very good at. When I was in summer camp at YMJC we would play every day. My favorite was when we would play in a racquetball court and you could get people out on the rebound. You could also blast the shit out of people on a racquetball court. That shit was point-blank. I want to go play some dodgeball in a racquetball court right now.

You bring the racquetball court.
I will bring the pain.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Kung Fu 3

1. "Cry of the Night Beast" (Prod #166251) October 19, 1974 - Caine hears a baby buffalo crying (supernaturally) and stops a hunter from killing its mother. But when mother and baby get separated, Caine must find a way to keep the baby alive until he can reunite them. This is connected in flashbacks to a connection the young Caine felt with an unborn baby.

2. "My Brother, My Executioner" (Prod #166252) October 12, 1974 - Caine tracks down Danny but doesn't get the kind of reception he expected from his brother. Soon thereafter a gunfighter arrives saying that this Danny Caine had been a very fast gunfighter with a different name just three years previously and he wants to see which one of them is faster.

3. "The Valley of Terror" (Prod #166253) September 28, 1974 - When Caine learns a young woman has visions of the signs of the dragon and the tiger that are burnt on his arms, he rescues her from those who are trying to return her to an insane asylum.

4. "A Small Beheading" (Prod #166254) September 21, 1974 - While he is working for a woman on a ranch near a coastal town, a sea captain (married to the sister of the Emperor's*1* nephew, whom Caine killed) delivers to Caine a pardon if he returns to China. The catch, according to the captain, is that Caine must allow the 'beheading' of the little finger of his right hand.

5. "The Predators" (Prod #166255) October 5, 1974 - Caine needs a man to return with him as a witness to the fact that he didn't kill a sheriff. But the witness is one of a gang of hunters seeking Apache scalps and an Apache, who Caine has befriended, has had a vision to kill the whole gang.

6. "The Vanishing Image" (Prod #166256) December 20, 1974 - Caine seeks out a dying photographer (Lew Ayres: nominated for an Emmy for the performance) who might be able to identify Danny in a group photograph. Meanwhile, Caine is tracked down by another Chinese assassin and the old man is tracked by an Indian who believes the camera has stolen his spirit.

7. "Blood of the Dragon", Part I & 2 (Prod #166257-8) September 14, 1974 - Caine shows up in Gurneyville, on the California coast, knowing (supernaturally?) that his grandfather died there the night before. As Caine tracks down what happened to his grandfather, he is being tracked by three agents of The Imperial Guards of the Dragon Throne's Order of the Avenging Dragon which needs to kill Caine to end the shame of having failed to protect the Emperor's nephew (showing that the hunt for Caine won't end with the Emperor's death in 1875*1* - though, the Dowager Empress*1* might have continued anyway).

8. "The Demon God" (Prod #166259) December 13, 1974 - In flashforwards Caine is stung by a scorpion and faces again a hallucination that he first experienced when, as a young student, he was poisoned by a Mandarin's son who wanted to learn from the temple student what awaited his dying father in the land of the dead.

9. "The Devil's Champion" (Prod #166260) November 8, 1974 - In China a strange challenger shows up at the temple gates to challenge Master Kan to ritual combat to the death. Caine, who is having visions, must find out who or what is behind the situation.

10. "The Garments of Rage (Prod #166261) November 1, 1974 - After the events in "The Demon God" (#47 the last episode set in the present), Caine is left battered with his clothes torn, and he is taken in by railroad workers. The railroad is being harassed by a Shaolin master who has also fled China. This former teacher offers Caine clothes that had belonged to his nephew who died in a railroad accident. (At first Caine refuses to wear the clothes which might symbolize that he would help sabotage the railroad, but later Caine accepts the clothes and wears them for the rest of the series).

11. "Besieged", Part 1: "Death on Cold Mountain" (Prod #166262) November 15, 1974 - In China Master Po and Caine are dispatched to rescue the survivors of another Shaolin temple which has been destroyed by the warlord Sing Lu Chan. One of the survivors happens to be a girl.

12. "Besieged", Part 2: "Cannon at the Gates" (Prod 166263) November 22, 1974 - In China Master Po and Caine are dispatched to rescue the survivors of another Shaolin temple which has been destroyed by the warlord Sing Lu Chan. One of the survivors happens to be a girl.

13. "A Lamb to the Slaughter" (Prod #166264) January 11, 1975 - Caine goes to a village on the coast of Mexico to pay a debt the priest owes to a man whose father died saving his father. But the only payment the man will accept is for Caine to teach him fighting/killing skills.

14. "One Step to Darkness" (Prod #166265) January 25, 1975 - Caine comes to the rescue of a woman and for his trouble is arrested by her army officer husband. The woman turns out to be addicted to a Chinese drug (opium?) and she introduces Caine to a mystical world where he meets a demon who claims the priest's life for a wish the very young Caine had made while sick with typhoid.

15. "The Thief of Chendo" (Prod #166266) March 29, 1975 - Master Po and the young Caine visualize what it will be like when Caine leaves the temple. The two imagine (?) in a 'flashforward' (?) that Caine, now a priest, has been sent to help a duke. The young priest "finds royalty everywhere" as he runs into a prince of thieves who wants to help a princess.

16. "Battle Hymn" (#166267) February 8, 1975 - While chasing Caine for the reward, a man falls from his horse and is killed. The useless death leads Caine to shaving his head. Then he undertakes to return the dead man's belongings including, it turns out, a treasure map to the man's wife in Sovalo. On the way he runs into a pair of traveling musicians who are going the same way.

17. "The Forbidden Kingdom" (Prod #166268) January 18, 1975 - While fleeing the Imperial troops after killing the royal nephew, Caine tries to escape into Tibet. And in the process he is helped, betrayed and loved by Po Li. (She was the mother of the son who turns up in the sequel movie of 1986 "Kung Fu: The Movie".)

18. "The Last Raid" (Prod # 166271) April 26, 1975 - On his way to Lordsville to answer a summons from Serenity Johnson (which he does in the following episode "Ambush" even though it seems "Ambush" was originally broadcast first), Caine visits old friends from "The Well" just as their son is kidnapped by former Confederate raiders who continue to fight the Civil War.

19. "Ambush" (Prod #166272) April 4, 1975 - Serenity Johnson from "Dark Angel" & "The Nature of Evil" sends for Caine and then lies about how sick he is to get the priest to help him claim a $2000 debt. While with Serenity in Arizona City, Caine is shown a poster with information on the whereabouts of his brother, Danny.

20. "Barbary House" (Prod #166269) February 15, 1975 - The poster from #58 "Ambush" leads Caine to an establishment outside San Francisco. Danny has left but the owner is holding Danny's son, Zeke, and Caine is forced to become a prize fighter to stay with his nephew. (This is the first of a four part story line.)

21. "Flight to Orion" (Prod #166270) February 22, 1975 - Caine, Zeke and Zeke's mother try to find Danny before the search party which plans to find/kill him for a $10,000 reward (strange how both brothers turn out to have the same price on their heads).

22. "The Brothers Caine" (Prod #166273) March 1, 1975 - Zeke sells himself to his grandfather so that he can acquire information to help Kwai Chang find and warn Danny. Meanwhile, Danny is told that Kwai Chang is an assassin hired to kill him.

23. "Full Circle" (Prod #166274) March 8 or 15, 1975 - Finally the journey ends but then again it doesn't and won't until, as Caine says, "it comes full circle at my death."

Life Is All About Choices



A Word About "Fan Fiction"

We post excerpts from some of Sandra [Brown]'s more recent books so that you, the reader, can make more informed purchasing decisions. We now ask that you help us in return. Fan Fiction is illegal. Taking characters from an author's work and adapting stories around them constitutes copyright infringement. If you discover "Fan Fiction" of Mrs. Brown's work, please don't hesitate to email us.

Thank You

I like the idea of Sandra Brown (author of works such as Words of Silk and Breath of Scandal) being put out of business by the superior work of her fan fic writers. To date, I've never heard of anyone making any money, or getting laid, because of their alternate adventures using copyrighted characters. In fact, to the best of my knowledge, fan fiction writers rarely leave their rooms or interact with "human beings." Nevertheless, it is an illegal practice that MUST BE STOPPED.

Please report the following people to the proper authorities:


Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Blank-wave Arcade

I was going to write a post about how I'm starting to narrow the six-year gap between when I first hear something good and when I decide I actually like it. As I had calculated in my head, I was getting my average down to about two or three years.



BEN Affleck, bilingual bon vivant? He was in a Toronto hotel elevator with two French-speaking women, Montreal editors from the Lou Lou shopping magazine. Affleck accidentally dropped a bag on one of the ladies' legs. He apologized en français, the National Post of Canada's Shinan Govani reports.
(New York Post)

COME ON! Can't you just hear fucking Ben Affleck in some cheesy "seductor" voice going "Well, excyooosay muah!" Apologized in French. What a dickhead.

THAT Rocco DiSpirito is the new face for Martini & Rossi.
(New York Post)

Martini & Rossi had an old face?

LINDSAY Lohan is still upset at Ashlee Simpson for "stealing" her ex-boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama, last year.
When Ashlee arrived with her sister, Jessica, Saturday night for Lohan's party at the Standard in L.A. after the MTV Movie Awards, there was almost "a catfight," sources say.

"Jessica and Ashlee pulled up, and as hotel employees were clearing a table for them at Lindsay's party, Lindsay supposedly found out and said, 'No way — they are not coming to my party.' And the guy at the door told the Simpsons that [Lohan] said to go away," our spywitness said.

The Simpson sisters then went to Jimmy Fallon's party at the Argyle Hotel, where Jessica was heard ranting, "That [bleep]. If she comes here, I will kick her ass!"

Sure enough, an hour later, Lohan ended up at the Argyle, where Jessica "went ballistic," spies said. "She was screaming how she was going to kick her butt, and had to be separated from Lindsay. Ashlee wasn't so upset, but Jessica was furious because she says she is a star and should be let in everywhere."

The trio ended up making up after Lohan "explained it was a mistake that they were not let into her party."

A rep for Lohan said, "Maybe their names got misplaced on the list."

A rep for Ashlee said, "Ashlee and Jessica had a great time at Jimmy's party, which was the hottest one of the night."
(New York Post)


Brad Pitt is taking on poverty and AIDS in Africa -- and the tabloids.

Finally someone is going to do something about the rampant poverty and AIDS in the tabloids. Bravo, Mr. Pitt!

Y'all Ready for This

The hoax has been revealed. How do I know all this? BECAUSE I'VE HEARD CHAPTER 5 0F 5, BITCHES. Anyhow, the Chapter 5 of 5 story behind the story is that I turned on the radio this weekend and it was playing and I think I screamed, but the next thing I knew I almost got in a car crash trying to turn the radio off BECAUSE I JUST WASN'T READY. So neither are you. But I will give you the lyrics to Chapter 4 of 5, which, if you go back and compare it to the fakie lyrics you will see why that day I kept telling everyone that I was "freaking the fuck out." On the bright side, although the real Chapter 4 lacks some of the sinsiter macabre plot twists of the fake C4, IT IS SO SEXY YOU WILL CUM. (Cum means have a climax.)

Oh, also, life has once again lost its purpose. Dear Nelly, please record a five-part radio drama to give my life new meaning. Love, Worker #3z1z1z6zl

Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 4 of 5) [dis is 4 reall-------(dirty)]
Robert Kelly

Now I'm dashin home
Doin 85
Swervin lane to lane
Wit fire in my eyes
I got a million thoughts
Runnin through my mind
I'm thinkin about what imma do and who I'm gonna do it to when I get home
How could I have been so blind
And then I look in my rear view
I cannot believe this
(Whoo whoo whoo)
Damn, here comes a police man
He drove right up on me and flashed his light
Then I pulled over without thinkin twice
He hopped out the car and walked over to me
And said, "License and registration please"
I looked up at him and said,
"Officer, is there somethin wrong?"
He said, "No, except you were were doin 85 in a 60 mile zone"
Then I said, "Officer,
Let me explain please
Ya see the truth of the matter is
Is that I have an emergency"
He said, "No excuses
And no exceptions"
I said, "This is some bullshit" he gave me the ticket
Said, "Have a nice day," and walked away
I said, "Yeah right" and drove away
Then I turned my radio on
And did 70 all the way home
I pulled up in the driveway
Hopped out and slammed the car door
Then go in through the back
Bust up in the house and she screamin
"What's all that for?"
Then I'm like, "Woman, I called this house
And a man picked up my phone"
Then she said, "Calm down,
Did you forget
My brother Twan came home?"
And thats all I could say was "Oh"
Wit a stupid look on my face
Said, "I forgot he came home today"
And she said, "That's okay
Because honey I understand"
She said, "You dont have to explain"
Then I took her by the hand
I kissed her and then we went to the room
Then I turned some music on
Apologized one more time
Then went down and start gettin it on
And she started bitin her lip
Grabbing me and makin noise
Now we makin love and she's my ear whisperin
"It's all yours"
I said, "I love you"
And she said, "I love ya, too"
Then a tear fell up out my eye
Then I called her my sunshine
And then she looked at me
And said, "Baby go deeper please"
And thats when I start goin crazy
Like I was tryin to give her a baby
The room feel like its spinnin
We keep turnin and turnin
As if we were in a whirlwind
The way our toes are curlin
The next thing ya know, she starts goin real wild
And starts screamin my name
Then I said, "Baby, we must slow down
Before I bust a vessel in my brain"
And she said, "Please, no, dont stop"
And I said, "I caught a cramp"
And she said, "Please keep on goin"
I said, "My leg is about to crack"
Then she cries out
"Oh my goodness, I'm about to climax"
And I said, "Cool, climax, Just let go of my leg"
She says, "You're the perfect lover"
I said, "I cant go no futher"
Then I flip back the cover
Oh my God, a rubber...

Monday, June 06, 2005

Ask Again Later

This weekend was largely a bad vibe, starting with NEXTFest 2005 on Friday, and carrying on to the part where Worker #3116 goes to a party and is reminded why he formulated the No Party Rule in the first place. To the New Order guy who licked my hand while I tried to protect Lauren Hill from being assaulted in the bathroom, you are going to need more than a Flock of Seagulls haircut to impress me, and more than a skinny tie on a red and black pinstriped shirt to defend your body from the coming attack.

I think McCullen summed it up best when he retired to the living room to watch The Chappelle's Show Season Two on mute. Message: today is the day that laughter died.

Last night's furious rain battle may have washed the bad times away, but I'm not sure yet. It did spray a lot of dirt and leaves on my car and knock down some branches. Lisa Kudrow would like me to think differently, though. She would like to remind me that badtimes are available on HBO, Sundays at 9:30. BOOOOO! Comeback this.

Friday Night Lights

Inspired by the seven episodes of MTV's NEXT that McCullen and I spent Friday night watching.

"Hi, my name is Jim, I'm 28 years old, and I just rolled my old 401k over into a Roth IRA!"

"Hi, my name is Greg, I'm 26 years old, and I really hope you don't reject me because this is a pretty painful time in my life right now!"

"Yo, my name is Ryan, I'm 29 years old, and people call me 'The Wizard' because I look like I'm 1,000."

"Hi, my name is Sarah, I'm 22 years old, and I act brass and bossy to mask how I really feel, which is scared and alone."

"Hi, my name is Paul, I'm 27 years old, and I'm gay. Gay on MTV!"

Will the Real Fat, Old Worker #3116 Please Stand Up?! Please Stand Up!

A google image search for "Worker #3116" returned the following:

Hi, Buddies!

My first thought was "that only mildly looks like me." But on closer inspection I discovered something:

Happy Birthday, McCullen!

McCullen's birthday hat! IT'S ME, BABIES! I guess in addition to ten pounds the camera also adds ten hundred years. I AM SO OLD AND READY FOR BUSINESS!

Friday, June 03, 2005

The Nightmare Before Christmas II


The Pumpkin King!

I'm a master of fright, and a demon of light
And I'll scare you right out of your pants
To a guy in Kentucky, I'm Mister Unlucky
And I'm known throughout England and France

The Day Approaches

I'm a little concerned. At the present moment, our team is looking a little bit thin, especially in the extremely important areas of barricade and armoring vehicle. Nevertheless, by addressing these concerns BEFORE the Zombie Apocalypse, I think we stand a chance. Most of us will be selectively killed off before we manage to get to the boat and escape to the island, but that's to be expected. Surprisingly, despite all evidence to the contrary, I think Lisazilla might last the longest, if only for the fact that she has ZERO zombie defense skills.

Here is where we stand, to be updated as information comes in:

On scale of one-to-ten:
> -Run ------- 5
> -Hide -------------- 6
> -Diagnosis of Infection -------- 7
> -Molotov Cocktail -------------- 7
> -Barricade ------------ 4
> -Firearm ------------- 4
> -Killing Loved Ones in Order to Survive ---------- 9.45
> -Armoring Vehicle ---------------- 3

Kevvy will be a good one to have on rear defense. Since modern zombies can run so fast (and can they swim? That is a scary thought) those less equipped for hand-to-rotting-hand combat should use their run skills to get somewhere they can use their hide skills, while people like Kevvy use molotov cocktail to set suppurating flesh ablaze. He will also kill you when the time comes, saving the rest of us.

-Run: i got pretty good skills here. i can do about 8 miles in an hour. but i can't do this on consecutive days. and i haven't attempted a marathon or some such bullshit. but i am confident i would kick all the asses
-Hide: ng. i like to stick out.
-Diagnosis of Infection: my skills of diagnosis are pretty limited. i'm pretty good at detecting obvious cases of fucked-up-ness (for example, "hey man, that dude is pretty fucked-up"). anything more subtle than that, and i'm at a loss.
-Molotov Cocktail: not since 8th grade have lit one of these bitches, but i was pretty good with them then. and they say pyromania is like riding a bicycle. on fire.
-Barricade: holy crap i can do these. both externally AND internally. you're not getting past me, you're not getting to me.
-Firearm: just with the lethal twin pythons i call "my left arm" and "my right arm"
-Killing Loved Ones in Order to Survive: attempted and failed. bitch appealed to "everything we had together" and i buckled. but as i have grown older, i am colder. and i know it's not exactly the same, but i have become adept at "fucking over loved ones in order to survive"
-Armoring Vehicle: i barely wax my car.

if you had any balls you would come with mike vilensky and i to bonnaroo next weekend. we'll leave here thursday.

Conclusion: Bescak! is another important rearguard team member. His inclination towards violence and his skills with barricade ensure a measurable degree of security. It would be better if he were a black woman, because that would empower people with his story of fierce independence. NOTE: Apparently Bescak! is working under the assumption that the Bonaroo festival will continue despite being overrun with the undead. He insists that inbetween demands for "Brains!" the undead will be clamoring for Joanna Newsom to play "Peach, Plum, Pear."

> -Run - no. smoker
> -Hide - yes. i am small and brown (camoflauge)
> -Diagnosis of Infection - excellent. i have a staph infection and hives and eczema. i can also diagnose mental disorders.
> -Molotov Cocktail - i dotn know what this is but i would drink it if it was free and did not have roofies in it
> -Barricade - no. i am small weak and breakable
> -Firearm - i could shoot you if i really wanted to
> -Killing Loved Ones in Order to Survive - no. i'd rather die
> -Armoring Vehicle. driving? no.

Conclusion: Lisazilla's only apparent defense skill is skintone. She will, as previously mentioned, outlive many who are more deserving. Many will be rightfully annoyed when she gives birth to a zombie baby but refuses to kill it. Enter Kevvy.

I can run.
Am currently hiding.
-Diagnosis of Infection
Am hypochondriac
-Molotov Cocktail
There are many pictures of me holding dead grenades and handguns. Does this count?
Own fort.
My arms are made of flames.
-Killing Loved Ones in Order to Survive
If only.
-Armoring Vehicle
I own a red hummer.

Conclusion: Almost all of Swimmer's answers are blatant (and obvious) lies. This should be a concern to all team members, as once she is infected with the zombie virus she will claim that she just "hurt [herself] falling down some stairs." Pre-emptive shotgun blast to the face may be required. She will be the first person to suggest, while holed up in an emptied shopping mall, taking the dangerous step of "getting totally wasted."

hiding, cocktails, killing family.
I suppose run, if I must.

Conclusion: You will barely notice she is on the team. She may have one particularly funny comeback if you're being a dick to her, but otherwise not a major player.

OK Tiger:
Run - up to 3 miles at rate of 7.5 mins per mile, however, this could
not happen all the time, so i would say, over all running skills at a

Hide - very good at hiding. A-

Diagnosis of Infection - I am very good at diagnosis of all zombie
mental and physical disorders. A

Molotov Cocktail - I am willing to practice this skill

Barricade, I am not so strong.

Firearm is strong as long as I am not drunk.

Killing a loved one - no eyelashes batted. I can kill anyone dead.

Armored Vehicle - I will read up on this if necessary.

Conclusion: The most important aspect of OK Tiger's membership on the team is her willingness to take up any position necessary. She is the Zombie Apocalypse Team Chameleon. There is a corrollary danger in this, as there will be little time to "bone up" on skills once the zombies are upon us. It should be advised, and this goes for all members, than any studying and/or practice should be done BEFORE the situation becomes a matter of life and undeath.

Clown Coffee:
I am very good at diagnosing infections onweb (in the internets).

Conclusion: Clown Coffee will have likely been attacked and partially eaten by the zombies before the team is officially formed. Conclusion: not on team.

Chinese Jenny:
diagnosis of infection AND firearms

Conclusion: Shoot them in their brain-stem. That is the only way they can be destroyed.

My attractive looks make me good bait for gay zombies.
I also type 40 words a minute.

Conclusion: It is rare to find someone so willing to lay the zombie trap with their own ripped bodies as bait, so the team has that going for it with member Jax. On the other hand, unless the escape boat moors on Fire Island, we may never need his skills. There are no keyboards after the Zombie Apocalypse.

Mary Fiore:
Run: Isn't it obvious? I'm a gazelle.
Hide: A little too tall to fit into short places but I'm great at hiding on top of things where people can't see (like on top of kitchen cabinets, etc.) I'm also very VERY quiet while hiding.
Diagnosis of Infection: In general, I have excellent skills in diagnosing infection when infection manifests itself in green, pus-like ooze.
Molotov Cocktail: Gimme the fire

Conclusion: Fiore actually means "flower" in Italian, but it looks like "fire," which is probably what confused Mary into taking up the skill of molotov cocktail. This is good news for the team, as only Kevvy and Bescak! have professed any particular capacity for them. Unless we camp out somewhere with a large fuel reserve, however, our molotov cocktail supply may be limited to the few bottles of Ouzo and Bacardi 151 behind the bar at Jonathan B. Pub. Still, as long as she remains uninjured, Fiore will still be able to outrun most zombies, and will probably end up gripping Lisazilla on the boat, face streaked with dirty tears, thankful to be alive but wondering if life on the run from brain-thirsty zombies can really be considered "life" in any real sense.

Booo, Stars!

My Romance Horoscope:

There's a lot to eat at this buffet, but try to keep yourself from overindulging. Sure, have a slice of cake, but don't have twenty. Well, unless it's really delicious and you just can't help it.

Great. Looks like I'm going to be dating a fat chick.

Sights Seeing

On the way to work this morning I saw a man walking down the street with his shirt off. He looked pretty built, and he was covered in tattoos. Also, he wore a black doo-rag. This begs the question, where was he walking, jail?

Last night I saw a sign advertising "5 Arby's Melts for 5 Dollars" which is the nastiest sign I've ever seen. How many one dollar Arby's Melts is too many? The answer to that question is certainly way fewer than 5.


There's a mystery goin' on and I'm gonna solve it.

I illegally downloaded R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 4 of 5)" last night and got the same version that McCullen and I listened to on Wednesday, so I feel even more convinced that yesterday's lyrics were an elaborate hoax perpetuated by some ebony-skinned Eliot trying to shake up the much more subdued lyricism of R. Kelly's nut-crackers world. [Bark bark farmer, this chicken layin platinum ex-farmer (preach!)] Anyhow, I still can't find the right lyrics on-line, and I'm not about to sit here and transcribe it for you, but here's a taste:

Then she cried out, "Oh my goodness, I'm about to Climax!"
And I say, "Cool, climax, just let go a my leg."

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Annals of Science: Sa-Sp

Science Debunked

Entry: Spring
Debunked: June 2, 2005

Previous Tenet: Spring occurs with the thawing of winter temperatures.

Previous Tenet: Spring occurs with the arrival of the Turdus Migratorius or American Robin.

Previous Tenet: Spring occurs with the vernal equinox on March 21/22.

Currently Held Tenet: Spring occurs when one actually wants to listen to Pavement rather than shutting Malkums off with a disdainful complaint of "arrogant self-indulgence."

Words to Live By

"The only people who deserve love are the extremely good-looking and the handicapped."
--Clown Coffee


Everyone in the world, I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT right now.

Last night, McCullen and I sat down on the couch to listen to "Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 4 of 5)." What we heard was not particularly thrilling...the twists seemed to have continued their deterioration. On the other hand, it was very sexual, so that is awesome.

Anyhow, this morning, I planned on posting the lyrics here, to keep you guys up-to-date on Robert Kelly's protagonist's adventures, but what I found has shaken me to the core. For the sake of posterity, and truth, I am reposting the lyrics that the internet has posted for "Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 4 of 5)" but I must emphasize that THIS IS NOT THE SONG I HEARD LAST NIGHT. Which either means this is a hoax, or that I HAVE ALREADY HEARD "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET (CHAPTER 5 0F 5)"!!!!!!!

I feel sick.

Trapped in the Closet (Chapter 4 of 5)
or is it?
Robert Kelly
or is it?

I quickly said, "Hello, this shit must be really crazy
Oh, God please help me, because my knees are shaking."
Again I said, "Hello," and asked the man, "Who are you?"
He said, "I am your worst nightmare, so fuck you!"
I said, "Where is my wife is she home?"
He said, "She's laying next to me dressed in all red."
I said, "Give her the phone before i kick your ass!"
He said, "She cant talk because she is dead."
My heart begins to stop, my eyes begin to run, before I looked back, this gay bitch snatch my gun.
Rufus said, "Put your hands up and dont try to run"
He said, "This is a robbery," and thats when I looked up
The room started to get black
The man laughs on the phone
Cathy/ Mary said, "STOP! STOP! I cant take no more.
This has gone to far, baby, somebody's gone get hurt,"
Chukh said, "This is a set up and you got served."
I kneeled down and said, "Lord why me?"
Then I heard the man on the phone say, "Your hormones are too weak."
Then Rufus began to say, "Do you wanna know the shocking truth, I promise if you were any dumber you would have been really through."
I began to cry and scream, "What's going on?
I have a family at home who deserves to be not bothered and left alone."
Cathy/Mary walked over and said, "I'm sorry it had to be you.
I do this for a living this is how we make ends
I seduce a man and then we take all his possesions."
I said, "You one slimmy bitch and your ass gone rot in hell"
She said, "Fuck you, at least your wife will beat me there!"
Then there was a knock on the door, and the man on the phone said, "Drop this celluar and open up the door..."

ATTENTION LADIES, I have read and re-read these lyrics and what I heard with McCullen on the sofa last night couldn't follow from this. There's too many gaping plot holes. So I don't know what this is. Man, this is gettin' scary. If somebody don't speak they mind soon, I'm gonna shoot somebody.


I'm sorry, M.I.A., and I'm sorry, Gwen Stefani, but contrary to your musical declarations to the opposite, bananas are OUT in 2005. Every banana I've eaten in the past two weeks has been so disgusting. The other day I was leaving work and I bit into a banana as I got into my car and almost threw up and had to spit out this big gummy gob of mushed banana in the parking lot. And other times it's been gross too. I used to be really into bananas and stuff, but now I'm totally not. I'm totally outto bananas.

What's up, world's banana farmers? Why can't you get me a good banana? What, are you scared? Well fuck you, and fuck bananas, and fuck all of this. I'm out!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Laguna Beach Finale, Finally

Episode 111 Summary:

Trey has already gone off to college while the rest of the Laguna kids are hanging out at one last bonfire on the beach. Christina proclaims that this is probably, like, the last time they are going to be together, or at least until Thanksgiving, or whatever. While cooking marshmallows, Kristin drops a lude, and then states that she and Stephen had been to Tiffany's looking at rings. "Yeah, we're going to get wicked married." says Kristin. LC rolls her eyes at Kristin's nuptial news. Later, Stephen i.m's Trey to see how he's doing at college. Trey just keeps sending him emoticons.

The next day, Kristin is helping Stephen pack for his move to San Francisco where he has decided to try the gay lifestyle. As they pack, mostly condoms, Speedos, and horse tranquilizers, Stephen and Kristin talk about who among their friends will like and dislike college, and who will be the first to die. Kristin feels that LC would probably not enjoy the college experience because she's been diagnosed with Asperger's. Kristin then asks Stephen if he is going to miss anybody while his away at college. "Yeah all my friends," Stephen says. "Just kidding," he then adds. "Fuck Laguna Beach!"

Later on, Stephen and Kristin sit and watch the sunset from the roof of Kristin's car. Stephen tells Kristin she is the first and actual real relationship he'd ever had, and that he fucked her mom one time when he stopped by her house after school. Kristin then asks Stephen what the future of their relationship is going to be like. After a short discussion, they agree that they will have an open relationship, but that it's just the right thing to do, and not because of the part where Stephen fucked Kristin's mom, which she kind of understands. The next morning Stephen packs up his pick-up truck and drives up to San Francisco. Gaytime!

Lo, Kaitlyn, and Jen are hanging at LC's house, helping LC pack her suitcase. Jen thinks that three months of clothes is a lot of clothes to bring. LC contests by stating that "you don't need to bring three months of clothes, you just have to do laundry." Alex reveals that she has never done laundry and states she only has "thrown it in." She then adds, "I wish my parents loved me."

Later, LC's mom and dad drive her to the airport. LC's parents wave a teary good bye to LC as she goes through airport security, then rush back home to ignore each other and continue their on-line love affairs. LC arrives in San Francisco and exits the plane with a solemn look on her face. After retrieving her bags, she steps outside of the airport. At the curb is Stephen, waiting to pick her up. LC begins to smile as she places her bags in the back of Stephen's truck. As Stephen and LC travel across the Golden Gate Bridge, LC says, "Oh my God. I'm really on my own. I don't live with my parents anymore. Weird. I mean, not that they ever paid any attention to me, or took the least interest in my life, but, I'm saying, who's going to pay for everything? JK's. I got a credit card from mom's Fendi purse! Where do all the Jewish doctors and investment bankers hang out?"

Next Season on Laguna Beach:

Kristin, Lo, Kaitlyn, and Jen watch their lives destroyed as Laguna Beach falls into the ocean. Trey continues to send emoticons.

God Says: Watch Season 2 of Laguna Beach. It'll Be Bitchin'!

Thanks a Lot, Dream-McCullen

I dreamt last night that I found a self-titled Bathory album at the library for one dollar. I showed it to McCullen but he said it looked like "a stupid book." I don't know why dream-Me cared so much what dream-McCullen thought of the album artwork, but I didn't get it, and now dream-Me will never get to hear "In Conspiracy With Satan."

The lies of Christ will lose
the ways of hell I chose
I drink the floating blood
defy the fury of God

I have turned my back on Christ
to hell I have sacrificed
I have made love to the Pagan Queen
the gates of hell I have seen

I heard the angels cry
I watched the witches fly
I saw the clouds of death
Slowly blackening the sky

I read the book of spell
I chimed death's ancient bell
and when I die I have a place
reserved in hell

In conspiracy with Satan

I ride the bloodstained goat
I let the brewage float
I have seen the reaper's face
and walked through eternal haze

I have kissed my master's hand
I have seen the children of the damned
I heard the demons call
and seen a thousand virgins fall

[repeat verse 3]

[repeat verse 4]

[repeat chorus]

Caring Is Out in 2005. It's Back to ME!

Remember in high school when I was really into making O'Henry style movies and I wanted to direct music videos and somehow I got in touch with Beck's manager because I was so into Beck and Beck's manager told me that he would personally give Beck anything I wanted to send him and I sent him a letter and a copy of my videos and some other shit that I thought was cool in high school because I was a FUCKING IDIOT. But remember how back then I had ambition and the desire to make things happen for myself, and somehow also seemed to have the ability to at least make it look like one day it that time I got a letter from the president of that Academy Award–winning technical company saying he would try to get his friends to help me get a video camera but didn't, or that time I was supposed to do a photo-essay for Grand Royal Magazine but it fell through in an editorial board change, or that time I wanted to put a Superchunk song in the soundtrack for the screenplay I wrote so Jon Wurster and Jim Wilbur read it and said they liked it a lot and then put me on the guestlist for their show and I did that interview with Jon for the second issue of my zine that I never made, or that time MTV was going to put a picture of me and an essay I wrote in the program for their MTV Video Music Awards and didn't, or that time that I had a job interview with the creator of Pop-up Video because I told him I drew a good picture of a robot and he found that very impressive but then didn't have any jobs, or that time the guy from V magazine called me because he wanted me to write something for them but then went with Arthur Bradford instead, or some other times with some other stuff? Remember?*


Me neither.

(Stage Whisper: "Byeeeee, Ambition!")

In the real world, PantSuit has really out-done herself today. Let's just say that if purple velour was an endangered animal, she would be in jail.

*Worker #3116: Sounds like someone's baiting the hook for some compliments today.
Worker #3116: So?
Worker #3116: I'm just saying.
Worker #3116: I'm just saying shut the fuck up and mind your own business.
Worker #3116: Dick.
Worker #3116: Retard.