Friday, June 03, 2005

The Day Approaches

I'm a little concerned. At the present moment, our team is looking a little bit thin, especially in the extremely important areas of barricade and armoring vehicle. Nevertheless, by addressing these concerns BEFORE the Zombie Apocalypse, I think we stand a chance. Most of us will be selectively killed off before we manage to get to the boat and escape to the island, but that's to be expected. Surprisingly, despite all evidence to the contrary, I think Lisazilla might last the longest, if only for the fact that she has ZERO zombie defense skills.

Here is where we stand, to be updated as information comes in:

Kevvy:
On scale of one-to-ten:
> -Run ------- 5
> -Hide -------------- 6
> -Diagnosis of Infection -------- 7
> -Molotov Cocktail -------------- 7
> -Barricade ------------ 4
> -Firearm ------------- 4
> -Killing Loved Ones in Order to Survive ---------- 9.45
> -Armoring Vehicle ---------------- 3

Conclusion:
Kevvy will be a good one to have on rear defense. Since modern zombies can run so fast (and can they swim? That is a scary thought) those less equipped for hand-to-rotting-hand combat should use their run skills to get somewhere they can use their hide skills, while people like Kevvy use molotov cocktail to set suppurating flesh ablaze. He will also kill you when the time comes, saving the rest of us.

Bescak!:
-Run: i got pretty good skills here. i can do about 8 miles in an hour. but i can't do this on consecutive days. and i haven't attempted a marathon or some such bullshit. but i am confident i would kick all the asses
-Hide: ng. i like to stick out.
-Diagnosis of Infection: my skills of diagnosis are pretty limited. i'm pretty good at detecting obvious cases of fucked-up-ness (for example, "hey man, that dude is pretty fucked-up"). anything more subtle than that, and i'm at a loss.
-Molotov Cocktail: not since 8th grade have lit one of these bitches, but i was pretty good with them then. and they say pyromania is like riding a bicycle. on fire.
-Barricade: holy crap i can do these. both externally AND internally. you're not getting past me, you're not getting to me.
-Firearm: just with the lethal twin pythons i call "my left arm" and "my right arm"
-Killing Loved Ones in Order to Survive: attempted and failed. bitch appealed to "everything we had together" and i buckled. but as i have grown older, i am colder. and i know it's not exactly the same, but i have become adept at "fucking over loved ones in order to survive"
-Armoring Vehicle: i barely wax my car.

if you had any balls you would come with mike vilensky and i to bonnaroo next weekend. we'll leave here thursday.

Conclusion: Bescak! is another important rearguard team member. His inclination towards violence and his skills with barricade ensure a measurable degree of security. It would be better if he were a black woman, because that would empower people with his story of fierce independence. NOTE: Apparently Bescak! is working under the assumption that the Bonaroo festival will continue despite being overrun with the undead. He insists that inbetween demands for "Brains!" the undead will be clamoring for Joanna Newsom to play "Peach, Plum, Pear."

Lisazilla:
> -Run - no. smoker
> -Hide - yes. i am small and brown (camoflauge)
> -Diagnosis of Infection - excellent. i have a staph infection and hives and eczema. i can also diagnose mental disorders.
> -Molotov Cocktail - i dotn know what this is but i would drink it if it was free and did not have roofies in it
> -Barricade - no. i am small weak and breakable
> -Firearm - i could shoot you if i really wanted to
> -Killing Loved Ones in Order to Survive - no. i'd rather die
> -Armoring Vehicle. driving? no.

Conclusion: Lisazilla's only apparent defense skill is skintone. She will, as previously mentioned, outlive many who are more deserving. Many will be rightfully annoyed when she gives birth to a zombie baby but refuses to kill it. Enter Kevvy.

Swimmer:
-Run
I can run.
-Hide
Am currently hiding.
-Diagnosis of Infection
Am hypochondriac
-Molotov Cocktail
There are many pictures of me holding dead grenades and handguns. Does this count?
-Barricade
Own fort.
-Firearm
My arms are made of flames.
-Killing Loved Ones in Order to Survive
If only.
-Armoring Vehicle
I own a red hummer.

Conclusion: Almost all of Swimmer's answers are blatant (and obvious) lies. This should be a concern to all team members, as once she is infected with the zombie virus she will claim that she just "hurt [herself] falling down some stairs." Pre-emptive shotgun blast to the face may be required. She will be the first person to suggest, while holed up in an emptied shopping mall, taking the dangerous step of "getting totally wasted."

Dunayevich:
hiding, cocktails, killing family.
I suppose run, if I must.

Conclusion: You will barely notice she is on the team. She may have one particularly funny comeback if you're being a dick to her, but otherwise not a major player.

OK Tiger:
Run - up to 3 miles at rate of 7.5 mins per mile, however, this could
not happen all the time, so i would say, over all running skills at a
C-

Hide - very good at hiding. A-

Diagnosis of Infection - I am very good at diagnosis of all zombie
mental and physical disorders. A

Molotov Cocktail - I am willing to practice this skill

Barricade, I am not so strong.

Firearm is strong as long as I am not drunk.

Killing a loved one - no eyelashes batted. I can kill anyone dead.

Armored Vehicle - I will read up on this if necessary.

Conclusion: The most important aspect of OK Tiger's membership on the team is her willingness to take up any position necessary. She is the Zombie Apocalypse Team Chameleon. There is a corrollary danger in this, as there will be little time to "bone up" on skills once the zombies are upon us. It should be advised, and this goes for all members, than any studying and/or practice should be done BEFORE the situation becomes a matter of life and undeath.

Clown Coffee:
I am very good at diagnosing infections onweb (in the internets).

Conclusion: Clown Coffee will have likely been attacked and partially eaten by the zombies before the team is officially formed. Conclusion: not on team.

Chinese Jenny:
diagnosis of infection AND firearms

Conclusion: Shoot them in their brain-stem. That is the only way they can be destroyed.

Jax:
My attractive looks make me good bait for gay zombies.
I also type 40 words a minute.
SNAP!!

Conclusion: It is rare to find someone so willing to lay the zombie trap with their own ripped bodies as bait, so the team has that going for it with member Jax. On the other hand, unless the escape boat moors on Fire Island, we may never need his skills. There are no keyboards after the Zombie Apocalypse.

Mary Fiore:
Run: Isn't it obvious? I'm a gazelle.
Hide: A little too tall to fit into short places but I'm great at hiding on top of things where people can't see (like on top of kitchen cabinets, etc.) I'm also very VERY quiet while hiding.
Diagnosis of Infection: In general, I have excellent skills in diagnosing infection when infection manifests itself in green, pus-like ooze.
Molotov Cocktail: Gimme the fire

Conclusion: Fiore actually means "flower" in Italian, but it looks like "fire," which is probably what confused Mary into taking up the skill of molotov cocktail. This is good news for the team, as only Kevvy and Bescak! have professed any particular capacity for them. Unless we camp out somewhere with a large fuel reserve, however, our molotov cocktail supply may be limited to the few bottles of Ouzo and Bacardi 151 behind the bar at Jonathan B. Pub. Still, as long as she remains uninjured, Fiore will still be able to outrun most zombies, and will probably end up gripping Lisazilla on the boat, face streaked with dirty tears, thankful to be alive but wondering if life on the run from brain-thirsty zombies can really be considered "life" in any real sense.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Swimmer said...

ATTENTION THOSE THEY DID NOT MAKE THE CUT: Swimmer is starting her own team of anti-zombies.

You can join even if you don't have skills. IN fact, the only thing you will need is a foyn body and some hot tamales (candy).

I will use my billions to nuke they zombie asses.

Thank you,
Swimmer


p.s.
BYOB

11:48 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home