Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Fuck Another to Get the One You Want: Lessons in Love from Brick Brain

Update: Real World: Boring, Texas

Players: Brick Brain, Pocahontas, Shell Necklace, a Whore
Non-players: Fuck Head, Eye-Face, Hot Topic, Iraqi Jane

Eye-Face is completely absent this week. Is he going to come back to the Realest Compound, or will he remain in Bahstan to mourn Mom-Face? Actually, they don't even raise the specter of this dilemma. Silence. Does this raise or increase the dramatic tension of Eye-Face's so-personal-so-real decision? All tension disappears during the "Next Week on: Bored!" teaser trailer in which Fuck Head sees someone in a houndstooth cap approaching the front door and exclaims "Oh my God!" as she runs to the door arms akimbo and a-huggo. So, yeah, Eye-Face will be back next week. Wet blanket of unanticipation heavily draped.

How do you see someone approaching the front door from a warehouse without any discernible windows? On a video monitor. This week it became quite clear that the roommates have a closed circuit camera system that they can access on their plasma screen television. So the people we are watching on TV are watching themselves on TV. We are watching them watching themselves. Then we all cum! Seriously, though, a closed circuit spyware camera system? Totally unnecessary, and vaguely inappropriate. As if their living situation isn't uncomfortable enough without Hot Topic sitting on the phone to her castrated wheelchair lover going "Oh, now Pocahontas is on the couch with Bartender. But they're on opposite sides of the couch.............Aw! He tried to scoot closer to her, but--"

Which leads us into this week's immensely uniteresting and vaguely revolting chapter in the saga of seven cunts. Even the guys on this show are cunts! So, Brick Brain likes Pocahontas. Pocahontas has a bit of a drinking problem, and she has major trust issues and likes to keep people at a distance, but what she doesn't have is any interest in Brick Brain. A big theme this week is "game playing,":

Brick Brain: I really like you.
Pocahontas: That's nice, but I'm not interested in you.
Brick Brain: You want to play games? Fine, I'm better at them.
Pocahontas: I don't want to play games with you. I don't want to do anything with you.
Brick Brain: I just fucked a whore. Jealous?

See, okay, let me try and make this REAL for you guys: if you like someone, and they don't like you, and they hang out with other guys/girls in your presence, they are not trying to manipulate your emotions or play games with your head, and they are definitely not trying to make you jealous. They are trying to get some action with the person that they are actually interested in. Stay with me here: even if they are unclear on what they feel for this other person, or if they are pushing that person away as well, it's for different reasons, and it doesn't mean that secretly a candle is burning for you and that this is their way of punishing you for being so hot and awesome. Now: maybe you feel sad about this, but I will tell you something right now, and this goes quadruple-to-infinity for you, Brick Brain, bringing a fat chick home from the bar that you just met and fucking her with the lights on while all of your roommates are in the next room snickering is not going to win a lot of hearts. If this is your proof that you "are better at [games]" then you need a fucking copy of Hoyle's or Klutz Guide to Wacky Games or something because you're way off base. (Get it? Off base. Total gaming metaphor.)

Brick Brain cannot believe that anyone in the world would not like his thick, blocky head, his lack of a viable vocabulary, or any thoughts or ideas to express with one, and therefore assumes that Pocahontas's rebuffs are games meant to torture him into frothing jealousy. He's jealous all right, and retarded. After he fucks the whore he walks around the house naked, flashing his detumescing genitals at everybody he can, flexing his biceps, and acting all tired and worn out the way you act all tired and worn out when you call in to work sick to go to Cedar Point. My favorite part happens during what has to be the most unappealing sex I've ever been forced to get teasing glimpses of, when Shell Necklace is talking to the girls in the room next to sexroom. Hot Topic, who you will remember is a precious virgin, exclaims that she just can't believe what is happening, that Brick Brain just met the whore a half-hour earlier, and it seems gross that they are "having intercourse with their bodies." This is when Shell Necklace gets real thoughtful and he says "Brick not attractive." YES! FINALLY! REAL! Then he goes "that girl was cute for Brick Brain."

Are you bored yet?

So, then later Brick Brain is still jealous and cannot understand why the whore did not make Poc want to jump into his arms and love him long time. So he calls her a bitch. I must say that his plan for winning her over is very solid. Poc, because she's a game-player, doesn't like being called a bitch (what a bitch!) and also doesn't seem to like getting yelled at by someone with a jealous ax to jealous grind. So she tells Brick Brain that she will not talk to him for two weeks. HERE is where I get very angry at Brick Brain. He tries once more to talk to Poc, but she doesn't respond, and he says "You know, Pocahontas, the fact that you put a time-limit on when you're going to talk to me, that's the game playing I was talking about earlier. I hope you graduate from elementary school soon. Real mature." As he's leaving the room he gives Poc the finger (to her back, though, because he is a man).

We're going to have to ignore the fact that "I'm not talking to you for two weeks" is not a game. We don't have time. Moving on:

The ridiculousness of giving someone the finger after you've complained about their immaturity (in a high-handed way, no less) is not lost on me. But it's not my major issue, because it falls in with Brick Brain's normative standard of stellar behavior. What does bother me is whenever ANYONE calls someone else out on their maturity. I hate this more than anything. Looking beyond the fact that it's not very mature to throw someone's maturity into question in order to win an argument, I also think it's an extremely cheap shot. It's not like maturity is a generalized governance of thought/emotion/behavior. You can be very mature about some things and very immature about others. So to call someone immature is usually a generalized criticism for a specialized point. Usually because you're not getting them to do what you want. But even beyond that, it's not like pointing out someone's immature behavior is going to make them "grow up". It's not useful or even particularly intelligent. It also is an attempt to make the critic seem more mature, because of course it is a sign of maturity to recognize everyone else's flaws and point them out.

It is also a sign of maturity to be a total dick, apparently.


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