Monday, August 08, 2005

I Never Really Understood the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Album Title Californication Until Now

I thought Palm Springs was going to be all:

Turns out, it's all:

Things were going fine until Saturday afternoon when the swimming pool was straight up Frat Party 1983, complete with UB40 cover band. I've never seen so many drunk, half-naked fat people with questionable facial hair wearing sinfully ugly hats in my life. After sundown, when they all went upstairs to change into button down silk shirts and black stretch pants for a night at Costa's (the premier resort night club), we went back to the pool, and I almost threw up thinking about how many gross genitals had been soaking in that water just a few hours before.

Back in the room, I turned on the television, which always defaults to the hotel's unique programming. It was so good, I wish I got that channel at home. It starts with a woman walking through the glam '80s lobby (which featured a putt-putt-blue colored lake with ferries to take you to the neuvo-Italian restaurant approximately three and a half feet away). As we track with this lovely lady we can hear her brain:

There is so much to do and so much to see, I just don't know where to begin.

Then she passes by a man and, like brain fleas, we decide to follow this jerk-off:

It's true, but you know, help is never far away. So don't worry. Relax.

It was highly unfortunate that I didn't see this until the second day, because it would have saved me all that ulcer-inducing worrying. Anyhow, then you see this:

-A bunch of assholes dancing next to the pool while King Asshole plays some bongos
-A couple running hand in hand down the shopping colonnade that runs the length of the hotel's south-western border
-Two old ladies haphazardly driving a golfing cart down a hill (one of them is crying)
-More dancing
-Some dude painting a picture of the golf course

I think that montage perfectly encapsulates Palm Springs, or at least Palm Springs Hotel. It's a lot like AIDS. You might have fun getting there, but then it will kill you because it sucks.

Anyhow: Brother #3116 is mortally afraid of flying, so that was fun.

Worker #3116: How is that pizza?
Brother #3116: It's pretty good.
Worker #3116: Well, enjoy it, it's probably the last meal you'll ever eat.
Brother #3116: I hate you.
Worker #3116: Not for much longer.


Anonymous brother #3116 said...

well, seeing as how we made it home, I will continue to hate you. you'd better redeem my ice cream offer quick before my hatred grows to levels according to which peace becomes unsustainable.

1:04 PM  
Blogger Worker #3116 said...

It seems sufficient to remind you of what I said yesterday, which is that you've been given a new lease on life, and should treat it accordingly. Survival of our trip was never assured. Enjoy the blessings YKW has given you, lest He teach you THE ULTIMATE LESSON.

1:40 PM  
Anonymous brother #3116 said...

wrong. as a good American, it is my duty to no longer acknowledge or be grateful to the source of my blessings once said blessings have been secured. the hate grows.

2:23 PM  

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