Friday, August 19, 2005

I Want to Open Myself Up to Your Ignorant Listeners

This morning's ZOO was trying to find 40-year-old virgins to talk to.

They succeeded.

I suppose it was not dissimilar to the moment on last night's Fear Factor rerun where girls in bikinis had to get into body bags filled with worms, superworms (that's what they said, I still do not believe in superworms), stink beetles, and hissing cockroaches. THEN they had to get shoved into one of those morgue lockers and find their way out. As one girl was screeching and writhing in terror as Joe Rogan slid her into the cramped and completely dark locker, he said "Well, you wanted to be on TV. Here you go!"

Like, imagine that you were 40 years old and you had never had sex. My guess is it's something that you have spent a fair amount of time thinking about, but much less time talking about with other people. What on Earth would compel you to call in to a morning talk show that is known for prank calls, vicious insults that border on the sadistic, and hanging up on people mid-sentence to explain what is one of the most personal, and less explainable aspect of your life? In their defense, the DJ's were actually quite respectful this morning. They gave the people compliments for being "proud of [them]sel[ves]" and thanked them for calling in. They also screened out all of the fakers, except for one who said he was a 45-year-old virgin. "What year were you born?" one of the DJs asked. "Uh, 1967." Ha ha ha.

I'm just waiting for my chance to call in when they want to talk to "Jews Who Think the Holocaust Actually Happened!"


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