Wednesday, August 10, 2005

It's Okay. Mom-Face Is Up in Heaven Now. With The Realest Angels Ever.

I've been avoiding giving any updates on MTV's So Real World because it sucks and I hate it. But then I'm like maybe someone needs me to save them the boredom of watching the show themselves, and I'm like I'll tell you about stuff.

Last week: So Eye-Face's mom dies. Wait, first he spends fifteen minutes of my life trying to buy a shirt for his Valentine's Day date with Fuck Head, who spends five minutes of my life talking about how she really wants to show that she's serious about this date. Then Eye-Face comes home, ready to go celebrate calendrically-imposed love, but stops to return Dad-Face's call, and finds out that Mom-Face died of a heart attack. He's like "Don't play me, Dad-Face," and Dad-Face is like, "I'm not playing you, Eye-Face." Brick Brain offers his patented sagacity when he remarks, "I totally understand where Eye-Face is coming from, my friend died in a car accident." Because everyone knows that mom=friend. The next ten minutes are very R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts," except that instead of people getting out of their cars on a traffic-jammed interchange, it's just Abercrombie and Eye-Face, crying on some steps, and saying that he never should have come on the Realest World in the first place. Amen. Eye-Face, remember when God was like "get out of Austin, I just smashed your skull with that redneck"? Next time you listen to what God says to you through obscene violence.

This week: lots of sadness. Boy, real life is so hard. When Eye-Face goes back to Bahstan and sends Fuck Head emails, I totally understand why she's crying because she "can't find the words that will help him." Totally. Wait, how about turn off the fucking computer and call him? Do that payphone trick that previous Real Worlders have taught you. It would take too much work for the editors to piece together the simultaneous video feeds of the dual-single-sided un-tapped payphone conversation, not to mention televisually impractical. Or how about e-cards? Nothing says "I'm here for you if you need me" like an animated gif of a dog surfing. (Dude, way bummed about your loss. Just remember, brah, after every bogue trough comes a bodacious crest!)

The big gross-out came when Eye-Face's Eye-Friends tried to show him sympathy. The only way I can really explain it to you is imagine you are as sad as you have ever been and you hug your friend, crying into his shoulder, and he sort of curls the tips of his fingers back and rubs you awkwardly with his knuckles and then sucker punches you in the throat. It was something like that. An emotional pantsing for Eye-Friends. A bigger gang of tools could not be found. Wicked tools.

Meanwhile, um, everyone in Texas is drunk because it's not like sobriety will bring Eye-Face's mom back to life. Oh, and then Hot Topic's boyfriend comes to visit. "Ryan is one of those people who enters a room and you can see he's disabled--" really jackass? I think it was the wheelchair that gave him away. Want to know what's grosser-than-gross? A wheelchaired dude popping spastic wheelies on the dancefloor at an embarrassingly shitty bar to the amusement of drunken meatheads. If you can't have working legs, at least have working self-respect. Anyhow, I think that Hot Topic only dates him because then they don't ever have sex. Between the crippled boyfriend and the brown lipstick she has almost all her sex-avoidance bases covered.

Oh, and Shell Necklace is sad because his mom does drugs and since Eye-Face didn't get to say goodbye to his mom and tell her he loved her before she died, Shell Necklace is worried he won't either. Selfish! Also: I guess Shell Necklace is the only one who didn't get the Excel spreadsheet with the Loved Ones' Approaching Deaths Itinerary on it. That makes saying goodbye a lot easier!

At the end everyone cries, and so do I, because it is so real and because I so wish I could stop watching this show.

Next week: mindgames!


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