Monday, August 01, 2005

What a Cunt!

Yesterday I had to stop by Fancy Foods to pick up a couple of things and I saw this lumbering ogre of a woman snap at these kids "Well, kids shouldn't run in stores. OKAY?!" Now, it's probably the case that disciplining someone else's children in public is never okay, with the single exception of if the kids are beating, torturing, or killing a homeless person while the parents stand around watching and laughing. In that situation a little, "Hey, would you put your feet up on your mother's coffee table?" type scold would be in order. (What would it sound like, though? Hey, would you soak your mother's prone army-surplus-coat-covered body in gasoline and throw lit matches at it, cackling as the wind put them out?) But, if you ARE going to discipline someone else's kids in public, you must adhere to a few simple rules:

1. You must be better looking than the children's parents.
2. You must clearly be wealthier than the children's parents.
3. You must be a celebrity.
4. You should be a little bit drunk.

This is the only thing that children respond to, inebriated glamour. You want to know what happens to you if you're a giant drowned-rat-haired schlub with a pinched face, gigantic ass, and shapeless dress that looks like it was cut from a moldy sack of peat? Rather than disciplining those children that are making you so frustrated you wish you had stayed at home with your fifteen cats and your Lifetime network reruns of Mad About You, you are simply encouraging them to practice their public use of the word "cunt."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I respond to inebriated glamour!


6:45 PM  

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