Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I Don't Know Who I Hate More, Me or You

And now, a very special episode of the Corporate Casual Real World Re-Cap.

I'm going to get the less salient points out of the way:

1. A dog poops on the flokati rug in the bathroom.
2. They have a flokati rug in the bathroom.
3. Eye-Face enlists a detective to track down his Eye-Killer.

Now let's get to the reason we are here: this week marks this season's mandatory pre-taping relationship fiasco. If you have ever watched the show, you will know that Fuck Head was supposedly dating some guy when she arrived in Austin, but they broke up when she got to the airport. She was like "I need a boyfriend who looks like Eye-Face," and her actual boyfriend was like, "I need a girlfriend who doesn't suck and isn't fucking her roommate on the Real World." So, they grew apart. Oh, and I guess there's the whole "My name is Hot Topic and I'm a virgin and I date Wheelchair so that things can stay that way." But she's so Tuesday Addams it's not even funny, and not in the hot Christina Ricci way, or the earnest goth way, but just the "I look like I grew up 'off the grid' with parents who never quite fit in with the rest of the world," home-schooled, crappy kind of way. I guess I'm just trying to acknowledge that this season has been chock-full of paraplegic and disinterested nuts, but this week, when G.I. Fat Joe arrives to visit Iraqi Jane, we're getting into better understood, classic Real World territory in which a relationship that existed before the show goes up in fucking smoke. More than that, we are getting into matters of the heart that Worker #3116 understands all too well, which is what makes this a special episode, because usually he has no idea what the fuck he is talking about.

People between the ages of 17 and 24 are very interested in "learning about themselves," and no more so than the statistically meaningful "random" selection of "strangers" picked to live in this house. They are all very excited about "learning about themselves." I've got to say, having been all of the ages between 17 and 24, I have found no evidence that you can learn about yourself just by saying "I came here to learn about myself," or "I'm doing this to learn about myself." One of the biggest problems facing the Real World roommates is that to learn about one's self one must have the capacity for self-analysis, reflection, patience, and the ability to parse out the meanings and influences behind one's behavior. Uh-oh! Last time I checked, the presence of cameramen, and a nightly visit to the Dizzy Rooster make this kind of introspection very difficult. Moreover, one of the biggest discoveries in learning a lot about one's self is often that you don't like yourself very much, now that you're thinking about it. Well, Real Worlds, let me save you the trouble: I don't like you, and that's all you need to know.

Which brings us to Iraqi Jane, and G.I. Fat Joe, who, upon arrival in Austin, thought that he was Iraqi Jane's fiancé. Just kidding, G.I. Fat Joe! How is Iraqi Jane supposed to learn anything about herself when she's got a fiancé DRAGGING her fat, Jew butt down. No, as she tries to explain to G.I. Fat Joe, she needs to party in order to learn about herself. She is not going to have sex with him because. Does he hate her because she won't have sex with him? Don't hate her. It is hard. Doesn't he see how hard this is for her? She thinks of him more like a brother or a best friend then as someone she could be intimate with. The spark is gone. Is the spark gone? She is so sad. But she doesn't want to lose him! She can't bear the thought of losing him, or him being with another girl. The thing is, see, she just needs to do what she needs to do, and he just needs to wait around until she is done. She doesn't want to hurt him. Does it hurt less when she says they are just on a break? Or does it hurt less when they are officially broken up, but with the idea that once she realizes no one likes her because she is far less attractive than she actually thinks she is, then she'll take him back? Which hurts less? She asks this to his face.

In 1962, Neil Sedaka scored a Top 10 hit with his song "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." People liked this song because they felt it said something they all knew to be true about relationships. In 1962, Neil Sedaka DIDN'T score a Top 10 hit with the song that doesn't exist, "Stringing Dudes Along Forever Because You Are Manipulative but Also too Cowardly to Break Up with Them Is Not as Hard to Do as Breaking Up, which Is Hard to Do." It might not have been a hit, had it existed, which it didn't, but it says something equally true about relationships.

Anyway, at the end of the episode G.I. Fat Joe gets into his cab. They hug and he tells her he loves her. It is, if one is operating under the assumption that upon returning home G.I. Fat Joe will pull his head out of his romantic dick, the last time she will hear those words from a man. Into the house goes Iraqi Jane, where she cooks some kind of...perogi stew? What is that? It looks like she's making falafel balls, but then all of a sudden it's some kind of watery soup with a very "Please, sir, may I have some more?" look to it. Brick Brain comes up and asks her what she is eating and she says that now that G.I. Fat Joe left she needs comfort food to cheer her up. SHE NEEDS COMFORTING BECAUSE IT IS LONELY AT THE TOP OF THE FUCKING BITCH PILE OF BITCHES.

Next Week: Iraqi Jane receives a mysterious package in the mail from G.I. Fat Joe. It contains an unlabeled videotape, which she mistakenly watches with the rest of her roommates. The tape is an amateur porno starring G.I. Fat Joe and some harlot, who he then proceeds to give a golden shower while saying, in a gratingly mocking voice, "Oh, I love you Iraqi Jane, you are the best." Also, we return to the boredom of their SXSW documentary.


Blogger s. badazz said...

damn i wish next week's episode was the cry me a river video w/uglier people. black guy can be timbaland and the camcorder can be that camcorder jt used.

11:26 AM  
Blogger Worker #3116 said...

you are "justified" in that desire.--(justin-timberlake's-2003-"Justified"-tour-joke)

11:30 AM  

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