Friday, October 28, 2005

I Won't See Saw (II)

I didn't like Saw, and I don't have any intention of liking Saw II.

HOLLYWOOD, I WANT YOU TO HEAR THIS:

There are lots of things that scare me, like having a retarded baby, Asian bird flu pandemic of 2005, and running late to catch a flight. Want to know what doesn't scare me? A puppet with creative face paint on that can ride a bike. And if I got locked in some cruddy cellar with another guy and was told that I would die unless I cut off my foot and killed the other guy, I'd be like, "Psst, dude, let's tell some jokes and reminisce about our pre-insane-torture-posse lives, that way we will be in a good mood when we get into heaven, in...fuck...how much time we got left, crazy unrelenting and intellectually flawed madman?"

From what I understood, the reason the crazy guy in Saw wanted all those people to suffer so much was to show them how beautiful and precious the life they took for granted was...but, of course, the only way to prove that to them is by killing them? It will be a valuable lesson learned, though, when they are in heaven with me and the guy I just died with in the cruddy bathroom. We are up there playing mini-golf being like, "Man, life sure was beautiful. Too bad I didn't realize it before being forced to die in a gratuitously gross way. And hey, did anyone else notice that grimy, music-video-green tint to everything right before you died? Like you were in a beer commercial?" Have you seen the mini-golf course they have in heaven? It's got awesome waterfalls and a pirate ship theme to it. We're talking like those miniature golf courses that you see sometimes from the highway where even now, as an adult, you're like, That is a fucking SWEET mini-golf course. Only ten times better, because God made it for the angels.

You know what else, Hollywood? I've never, EVER been interested in seeing a movie that was advertised with two severed, rotting fingers propped upright on a white surface, not even The House of Sand and Fog, which I have heard was very moving, but which I will never see for the very same reason!

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