Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Will You Get The Phone? And Talk Some Shit About Me to Wheelchair?!

You didn't ask for it, and you don't deserve it. But like an STD, your weekly-ish Real Worlds recap is upon you, sexually.

Last Week: It is time for South by Southwest, which, if you watch a lot of MTV, I will explain by saying there is this thing called "music," played by "bands," at events called "concerts." I know, nevermind. What is important to know is that your friends in Austin have been asked to make a documentary about some of these "bands." This week: Halifax. Who are Halifax? Who cares. Certainly the RW cast does not. Eye-Face wants to be "boyfriends" with Fuck Head, and Fuck Head almost cries. Or maybe she does cry. Have you noticed how little her eyes are? And I think they are made of glass. So they are in love. But here come Halifax! Oh no! Eye-Face and Fuck Head decide that instead of going to Halifax they want to go to Eat at Joe's Crabshack. They drink beer, and I swear to God I saw a wooden cutting board with different kinds of cheeses on it. Who the fuck ordered that? Eye-Face? "Yes, cheese board, please." Then they show up and suddenly it's all Fuck Head and Halifax until the end. She wants them to kiss. Then Eye-Face is like "I cannot believe this. I told you that I loved you, which means never speaking to another man again for the rest of your life. THIS WAS OUR AGREEMENT." Later, Fuck Head cries again, Eye-Face pulls his houndstooth cap down over his eyes, and they decide that love is not always easy.

This Week: Did you hope that this SXSW (that's an abbreviation for "who cares?") would be ended? NO GOOD! Here come Hellogoodbye. Hello Goodbye. HelloGoodbye. I do not know, the goodbye is the important part. Most of the show centers around sitting in a van and complaining about Hot Topic, who sits at home and complains about RW to Wheelchair. Iraqi Jane climbs inside of a basketball game? Seriously, this is one of the most haphazard episodes ever. She breaks basketball, everyone yells, then she locks herself in the bathroom and cries. Meanwhile, HelloGoodbye are camping and one of them plays a song on a banjo. They are all gay. Even the banjo is gay. Want to know a secret? When someone on the RW says "this is just a little band trying to make it, camping together for 8 dollars a night so that they can afford to play at SXSW" it means "this is just a crappy pop band being featured prominently on one of MTV's most popular shows, with an album due out on Sony Records." I.E. They are basically poorer than Hurricane Katrinas! Then Eye-Face and Fuck Head jump of a cliff into water. Unfortunately, it is water. Not cement. They live. Meanwhile, someone is like "Hot Topic talks so much shit," and then Hot Topic is like "Shit, shit, shit." Then all of a sudden, did you remember that they are having their lives Taped! to find out what happens? Iraqi Jane confronts Hot Topic about some very inflammatory footage of Hot Topic going "Shit about Iraqi Jane," and then Hot Topic is like "It's no big deal." Iraqi Jane wishes she went to college, because this is a very persuasive argument, and she replies "I do not know how to prove or disprove you," (NOTE: This is actually a quote. I do not know what proving or disproving someone means. As far as I know, Hot Topic is neither a theorem nor a postulation.)

Do you so care about this?

Care it.

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