Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Are You Ready for Some Fearballllll?

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. When this happens I try to just go about my business in the dark. It's easier on my eyes. The problem is that I hate mirrors in the dark...they are so creepy. You can't see yourself in them, just a lurking shadow. It's like that masturbation style, "the stranger," except without the ejaculate, and with the terror. So of course I see the mirror last night and I start thinking, "What would you do if you saw an insane killer behind you, RIGHT NOW?!" I like that I asked myself what I would do if I saw an insane killer. Because seeing anyone behind you in the dark through a mirror is not scary enough, nor is a regular kind of killer, they have to be wearing, like, a mask made out of human flesh, holding one of those square-bladed butcher's knives, and giggling.

In my old room at Deadbeat Père's house there was only one window, and it was low enough that from my mattress (I did not have a bed, just a mattress. Stuffed with dead rats.) if someone was looking into the window, our eyes would be level. Anyhow, I used to be terrified of this window when I was trying to go to sleep because I always imagined someone's face was going to peer into it. Now: the window's view was bisected by the roof of the apartment building's garage (Which, in an unrelated story, some teens had spray-painted with the word "Gump" and which Deadbeat Père and all his neighbors decided to leave up, thinking that if they painted over it the teens would simply return and paint again. "Gump." Whatever, '80s teens. You are boring.) and which was also up high enough that for someone to peer in, they would have to be jumping up to reach the window ledge, while avoiding hitting their head on the roof of the garage. You would think that these defying logistics would make me less scared of the window, but I think they actually made me more scared. Because the only thing scarier than an insane killer looking into your window is an insane killer bouncing up and down, scrabbling with his hands to find a grasp by which to look into your window.


Blogger s. badazz said...

i don't know about you, but i'm terrorized everytime i do "the stranger." it brings to mind that tweet song, oops (oh my):

"Oops, there goes my shirt up over my head
Oh my
Oops, there goes my [jeans] droppin' to my feet
Oh my
Ooh, some kinda touch careesing my legs
Oh my
Ooh I'm turning red
Who could this be?"

9:36 AM  
Blogger Worker #3116 said...

I like that your variation on "the stranger" isn't limited to the down-and-dirty part of the sexual act. It also includes a slow, sensual seduction. By yourself.

Also, have you heard Tweet's new one, "Turn Da Lights Off"? It's the hot whip.

10:00 AM  
Blogger lindsay said...

I had no idea that there were "masturbation styles" and that they had names.

Why would someone caress their own legs?

11:17 AM  

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