Wednesday, November 23, 2005

From the Vault: "Signs"

Earlier this year, Worker #3116 attempted to secure work writing a hip-hop cassingle review column for a MAJOR PUBLICATION. Earlier this year, Worker #3116 failed at what he attempted. Here is one of his sample reviews.

Snoop Dogg (feat. Charlie Wilson, Justin Timberlake) – "Signs"

When I see the man-child Pharell on TV I get nervous. I believe that if he really wanted to, he could go all The Ring style on me, coming through the television screen to steal my girlfriend. I’d be all, "But look at him, he’s all pixelated and moving in weird jump-cuts," and my girlfriend would be like, "PEACE!" Justin Timberlake is a similar situation. I’ve heard that he’s kind of a dork in real life, and you can totally imagine him—if he didn’t have the multi-platinum recording career—growing up to be a high school Jazz Band teacher with one of those piano-key scarves wrapped around his neck even in the summertime. Pizzazz! But he’s not a Jazz Band teacher, he’s a teen pop idol grown into a teen R&B idol and, unlike Usher, he doesn’t even seem gay. Granted, he almost cried when he was on PUNK’D, but it was one of the only serious PUNK’S ever perpetrated. After that episode they just figured that what they did to Justin was enough to carry them through the next six seasons, so they were like "Somebody dress up like a cop and pull Brandy over. That will be funny. People still remember who Brandy is, right?" No, Justin’s solid, and you should think about popping the question to your significant other before the Justified II: Justification Day tour bus pulls into town. Any poon that’s not locked down will be up for grabs.

Snoop on the other hand, I’m not so worried about. I’m not saying that the ladies don’t love Snoop, but I saw this tour video of him once where he carried around an Atlas jar full of pot and smoked all of it. And that was the opening title sequence. His eyelids never quite raised past half-mast. You remember that time you got super high and spent the whole night planning schematics for a time machine that could also be used as a sports car that turned invisible, and the next morning you looked at the piece of paper you were working it out on and the whole thing was covered in Green Day lyrics? That, in comparison to Snoop’s ramblings in the video I saw, made you a highly-functional pot user. I’m sure Snoop is up to his cornrows in pussy, it’s just, I don’t think we’re after the same type of woman. The girls I’m into tend to "complain" and to "think they are better than me." They say stuff like, "You never listen to me," or "I’m breaking up with you because you never listen to me." I’d like to see them try and pull that kind of shit with Snoop.

Skylar: Snoop, I left my boyfriend for you, but you’re just as bad as he is. No, worse. At least he pretended to listen.
Snoop: Raise up off these N-U-T's, cause you gets none of these.
Skylar: See! How are we supposed to communicate?
Snoop: I don't love you ho's, I'm out the do'.

She’d come crawling back, just like every other girlfriend I’ve ever had who had the poor judgment to leave me for a Crip. That is, unless she heard Snoop’s new single, "Signs." It’s the girlfriend-thieving trifecta, with Pharell on the beats, JT on the chorus, and Snoop on the fat rhymes. (I know I’ve spent the entirety of this column arguing that Snoop wouldn’t be able to steal my girlfriend away from me, but who’s ever heard of a bifecta? Even if there was such a thing as a bifecta, it sounds disgusting, like some kind of bacterial infection you get at the corners of your mouth. Besides, it’s his song, and it is awesome.)

That’s why the next time you see me, when you’re three appletinis deep, I’m going to be like, Hey, I really want to share something with you. I’ll take you into the plush interior of my teal ’94 Corolla and play "Signs" for you and be like, I wrote this. For YOU! You’ll be tipsy but not stupid. "This sounds just like Snoop," you’ll say, "and that angelic voice on the chorus is a dead ringer for the handsome Justin Timberlake." I get that all the time, I’ll say, but it’s me. And that’s my roommate, McCullen, on the chorus, but I’ll tell him what you said, he’s going to be totally psyched! You still won’t believe me, but are you really going to be able to do any better? In this town?



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