Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Hi, I'm Nicole Richie, and My Brain Is Made Out of Cum

Before you read Nicole Richie's new NOVEL—which features a picture of her? on the cover? wearing a tiara? but it's still a novel?—you might want to check out the New York Times article about your favorite STAR.

I've copied some of the best bits below, grouped by theme, and while obviously I am of the opinion that Ms. Richie is the single most important mental retard on Earth, I have to say that some of her fans are really giving her a run for her money...and also just giving her money, in the form of buying her stupid book. But seriously, if some of these people had access to the financial and media-outlet resources that Ms. Richie does we could have some real celebrities here.

THE FANS:

"She's the most amazing person I've ever seen on TV in my life," gushed one teenage girl, who was near tears. "I live for her. I'd do anything to talk to her."

Um...what kind of TV do you watch? Even if you only watch Laguna Beach and America's Next Top Model there's still got to be someone more amazing. Tyra "The Forehead" Banks is more amazing. Or Kristin.

She wasn't the only one living for Ms. Richie that evening. A teenage boy, wearing lip gloss and a hint of mascara, walked away from the table hyperventilating as he clutched an autographed copy of "Diamonds" close to his chest. "Oh ... my ... God," he said between deep breaths. "Nicole just said I was cool! Nicole just said I was cool!"

Have you ever heard a joke that was just perfect? It was perfectly timed, it fit the mood, it was relevant and sharp and snappy? When you first heard it you just couldn't stop laughing and it really felt like you had never heard anything as cutting and hilarious in your life? This kid is that joke.

"Her body is perfect, her hair is perfect, her outfit is perfect, her makeup is perfect," said one teenage boy with flat-ironed hair. "I love everything about her."

ATTENTION GAY AMERICAN MALE TEENAGERS, WHETHER YOU REALIZE IT OR NOT, APPARENTLY YOU ARE ALL VERY INTO NICOLE RICHIE, LIP GLOSS, AND FLAT IRONS.

As Carolyn Lluberes, an assistant at Wilhelmina Models, left the Virgin store, she called Ms. Richie a survivor. "She sends the message that, 'Yes, I've fallen, but I can get up with dignity,' " she said. Staring at a Polaroid of herself and the first-time author, Ms. Lluberes grew misty. "I never get star-struck," she said, "but to see her is really inspiring."

I'm just going to pass over the misty-eyed thing...It's...It's so stupid that I just have to let it go. But a survivor? You know who is a survivor? That lady who lost her whole family in (Hurricane Katrina, The Tsunami, The War in Iraq, The Holocaust). You know who is not a survivor?

THE STAR:

"It was really great, but I was a little intimidated," [Richie] said the following afternoon over tea and French onion soup at the Four Seasons. "I almost felt like I didn't deserve it."

I respect a woman who is humble, but who also understands her own talents. She ALMOST felt like she didn't deserve it, but then she reflected on her strength as an artist, and as a powerful female role-model, and she realized that in fact, yeah, she did fucking deserve it.

Ms. Richie, 24, is recording a pop/funk album.

[Insert Your Own Commentary Here]

Ms. Richie, however, rejected any suggestion that Ms. Hilton was the inspiration for the character of Simone Westlake, a vapid opportunist who invites Parker to be her co-host on the reality series. "Simone was leggy and tall," she writes, "though no one knows exactly how tall because she'd never been seen out of pumps since puberty ... not even in her night-vision skin flicks, filmed strictly for private use, of course."

"It's not her," Ms. Richie insisted. "I've come across many people in my life that are like that."

HA HA HA HA HA HA. Whenever Richie says something it's like the most gorgeously inane lie, each one hand-crafted out of some pristine nugget of her imagination, and then sharpened in the fires of an intellect so incapable that she actually believes everyone else is just as dumb as she is. Wait til you see the next one:

She claims not to know her current weight or how many pounds she has shed.

Please see my previous comment.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Tom D. said...

"ATTENTION GAY AMERICAN MALE TEENAGERS, WHETHER YOU REALIZE IT OR NOT, APPARENTLY YOU ARE ALL VERY INTO NICOLE RICHIE, LIP GLOSS, AND FLAT IRONS."

So, does that make Miss Richie the Judy Garland of our time?

Near as I can tell, all she has ever done, is to have had a dad with a great voice and to have herself, possesed a great pair of tits.

As for her fans...I'm sure they will quickly lose their interest, when the next shiny object comes along.

1:53 AM  
Blogger CosmicMojo said...

dang, the keys on my keyboard are sticking.
from the barf!

11:12 AM  

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