Wednesday, November 16, 2005

How Real Is This?

I started to watch the Real World last night so that I could tell you about it, but it was so painfully awful that I honestly could not do it. It was worse than the time I was rubbing one out and came on my own unsuspecting FACE! At least that time I had an orgasm. This was just shame and sadness. Even McCullen, whose favorite show is a BBC snoozer called Monarch of the Glen about a guy who owns a fish restaurant, and who was KNITTING while we watched TV, demanded that the channel be changed.

So, I thought I couldn't do any more RW recaps for you guys, but then I realized that I could just make one up. So here is your RW fan fiction, for last night's episode:

Fuck Head and Eye-Face are snuggling, but then Eye-Face asks her if she likes his hat and when she hesitates for a second he feels his manhood is in question and this begins a long, drawn-out fight. Eye-Face says that if she really loved him she would love his hat, and Fuck Head says that if he really loved her he would be willing to call her his girlfriend. He says that he thinks he has the stronger argument. They both decide that love is very hard, and that they have learned a lot about what they need. Fuck Head needs someone to actually care about her, and Eye-Face needs someone to actually care about his hat.

Shell Necklace is worried that the Austin Film Society won't like their documentary about South By Southwest because it's really bad, but the people at the Austin Film Society don't give a shit. They're like "This is great, you've done a great job. Can we have our $75,000 dollars now, MTV?" and Shell Necklace is like "Thanks. I really love film, that's where I got the idea to shoot the musicians through the aquarium we have in our house. You know, fish out of water. Or fish in water. Whatever, it looks s to the wizay, ee to the tizzay. My mom is in jail."

Brick Brain is very confused by the recent behavior of Pocahontas. She keeps telling him that she does not want to make out with him, but he thinks that people who are going to get married should want to make out all the time. She explains that she doesn't even want to be his girlfriend, much less his wife. He says that is exactly what someone who wanted to be his wife would say. His grand scheme of manipulation is WORKING. Then he burps his name during an interview segment.

Iraqi Jane gains another ten pounds, but at this point you can't even tell.

Next Week: An asteroid the size of Seattle is headed straight for Austin, and only a crack team of geologists led by Bruce Willis and Hot Topic will be able to stop them, but will Hot Topic be too busy gossiping about her roommates to her paraplegic boyfriend to save them all?!

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