Friday, November 11, 2005

If your father and brother had been murdered right before your eyes in a diner by Gary Busey, and then after he was caught and executed, a strange figure in a black cloak left a box on the doorstep of your family's bakery that was marked simply "Gingerbread Spices," would you think, "Oh, okay, I guess I'll just whip up some gingerbread right now!"? Okay, so you've whipped up some gingerbread, now, if one of your coworkers cut himself and dripped blood into the gingerbread dough, would you, as the proprieter of a business in the food industry, simply ignore the blood and mix the dough anyway? You would., if you rolled out the dough and cut out a gingerbread man and put him into your superoven, which is a walk-in oven, would you cook the gingerbread man all by itself, in that giant oven, or would you try and fill up the oven with other products to really maximize the energy costs? Oh, you'd just cook the gingerbread man on his own. Huh. Now, after you got in a fight with Miss Pretty-Face Waco that resulted in a bizarre power outage that sent creepy sci-fi lightning bolts into the superoven, causing the magical ashes of Gary Busey to animate the gingerbread man into a living, murderous pastry, and when you saw that pastry for the very first time, standing on its little cookie legs and telling you and all your friends that you were going to die before it scurried away to hide amidst the bread pans, would you think "OH SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT TALKING GINGERBREAD MAN WITH THE SHARP TEETH?" or would you think "Hmm, something about his voice was very familiar." Really! Because I would have thought the first one, the very surprised and disturbed one, but you'd just be bothered by the voice? Weird. Well, let me ask you this: after the gingerbread man has chopped off your mother's finger with a steak knife, and covered one of your friends and co-workers in frosting and locked her in the walk-in cooler, would you decide that maybe it was time to leave the bakery? NO?! Why not? Oh, I see, because the phone doesn't work. I guess that is a good reason to stay. So, you stay, and then the gingerbread man runs over Miss Pretty-Face Waco's dad with his own El Dorado, using a rolling pin to hit the gas (because he is only the size of a cookie), and then Miss Pretty-Face Waco walks into a booby-trap and gets stabbed in the head with a knife, do you wait for the bleeding co-worker to come back from his wrestling match and bite the head off the gingerbread man? And it doesn't gross you out that the headless gingerbread man starts leaking blood everywhere and your co-worker has blood all over his face, so you give him some milk to drink? But then let's say he turns into the gingerbread man, so he's Gary Busey, and a cookie, and you friend. Do you push him into the walk-in oven and set him on fire? You do.

Of course you do.


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