Tuesday, November 08, 2005

If I Can Make It in New York, I Can Make It in Any York.

Fast and dirty, because I don't want this to take a long time, here is the NYCap.

Worker #3116 parks his car in the Blue lot, level 1, Row 5B. So, his trip is off to a pretty good start. It gets even better on the plane when he does the SkyMall crossword and one of the clues is "1984 Patrick Swayze film, the first movie released with a PG-13 rating." You know that old sailing expression: Red Dawn in your crossword puzzle means lots of fish later on when you're fishing. Here, fish is a metaphor for fun, and fishing is a metaphor for "going to New York." In the line for the taxi, Stevil calls to tell me that there are a bunch of new cable channels at the house. Once you leave home, you can never return. It is not the same.

The plane is delayed a half-hour because of "air-traffic control in New York," but when Worker #3116 gets to Brooklyn there's still no one at Ti-1000's house because of "pinball playing at the bar." More on that later.

But Ti-1000 finally showed up.

Then him and Worker #3116 and Travis (other Travis) all went to the bar. I don't know if you know this, but bars in New York are a lot like bars everywhere else, insofar as they have booze there. They had some of that.

The next day was SHOPPING. Worker #3116 be'd shoppin', on Friday. Because everyone was at work. And he is a fag. Anyway, he buys some things and then he goes to meet Ti-1000 for lunch, and Ti-1000 makes him wait for 15 minutes on the sidewalk, enough time for a pigeon to shit on him and for a black girl to compliment him on his sneakers, so things pretty much even out. At lunch, it is mostly "I got a case of the Avian Poo Pandemic 2005" jokes. After lunch, Worker #3116 sees an ad for pomegranate juice that says "outlive your spouse," which is very macabre, and just like a crappy juice like pomegranate juice to do.

That night, there is a dinner party in Worker #3116's honor at Doothy's house. EVERYONE is there. It is so great. People are so drunk in New York! Worker #3116 makes his famous "guac" to go along with the "margs." These are the worst words, but the best tastes! No one can decide what to do when they are full of food, so they go stand by the water.

LJabe yells "COPS!" and IAmJamieSabuda throws his beer into some bushes and everyone laughs at IAmJamieSabuda. He gets angry, but there is nothing he can do. There are also some Mexicans by the water who go out into some reeds and crouch down and flex their muscles while someone else takes their picture. Erin and LJabe say that this is for the Mexicans' friendster profiles.

In the night, Doothy's cats run marathons on Worker #3116, training for Sunday.

The next morning, Worker #3116 goes to lunch with these "douchebags."

On the way to lunch a man on the subway tries to sell candy. "I only have M&M's and Starburst, unfortunately," he says. It's all relative, I want to tell him. If this is a train full of M&M and Starburst fanatics, then you would be in paradise. Then the Metropolitan Museum of Art about ghosts. Most of the pictures look like when we stood by the water. Spooky! But art is for assholes. We stand in the modern art room and this young couple looks at the Chuck Close painting and the dude goes, "Woah, wow. Oh my god. This is really impressive. Check out the teeth." And the girl, in her most bored voice, says, "I bet the reflection in the glasses was a pain in the ass." This is Worker #3116's favorite part, that somehow the reflection in the glasses would be harder to paint than the rest of the face.

We meet IAmJamieSabuda and Ti-1000 for dinner. Ti-1000 tells about how he saw a man riding down the street on his Segway scooter, and then pulling over to the side of the road to let a firetruck pass. Then Ti-1000 needs to get his pinball fix in for the day. Here's the thing about those two: Ti-1000's new thing is pinball, and IAmJamieSabuda's new thing is rare, very expensive denim. He is on three chat rooms about denim. He told me all about all this denim. His jeans cost a month's rent. And you can't wear them in the rain (true). My jeans cost 30 bucks, and they are WEATHERPROOF. So one of them is always talking your ear off about sweetgrass jeans from Japan that have sweetgrass woven into the denim and are soft, and the other one is always playing your ear off, Tommy-style. At the pinball bar, the bathrooms are marked with "XX" and "XY," which made Worker #3116 very nervous. He is not used to having to do a biology pop quiz to go to the fucking urinal. Anyway, it was too early to drink, so everyone just sits around while the pinball is happening, until two people decide enough is enough.

Then: HOUSE PARTY. Oh, wait, no. First back to Brooklyn to a bar where Ti-1000 can play some more pinball. THEN HOUSE PARTY. Like I said, everyone in New York is so drunk. Look at Brother #3116:

I think he's trying to explain something to me about the mayoral election, or his backpack. Or singing a Coldplay song. I don't know.

Suddenly, it is morning, and it is off to a marathon brunch with lots of cheering. There are bloody marys, which, Worker #3116 always thinks he doesn't like bloody marys but he can't remember why, so he has one and is quickly reminded.

1. Worker #3116 does not like juice made out of vegetables.
2. Worker #3116 does not like his juice to have a salad in it.
3. Worker #3116 does not like his juice to be spicy.
4. Worker #3116 does not like his juice to taste like the ocean.

Most of this could probably be attributed to Mortimer, though. It was his recipe, and that guy is a fucking idiot.

But, back to the cheering.

And, of course, the marathon's winner.

Doothy and Worker #3116 walk across the bridge to PS1 where they meet Erin and LJabe for an important lesson in why art is so boring. The one good thing that happens is Worker #3116 and LJabe decide that they are going to make paintings of magic-eye paintings. Magic-Eye Painting Paintings.


Then it is goodbye, Doothy, hello Ti-1000 and IAmJamieSabuda, and hopefully hello sandwich because everyone is starving. Eventually, they have to take a break from their search. This marks the 17th time that IAmJamieSabuda complains about having to walk on major thoroughfares because he prefers scenic sidestreets. WE ARE TRYING TO EAT VIETNAMESE SANDWICHES IAMJAMIESABUDA.

The thing about Vietnamese sandwiches, is you basically have to travel to Vietnam to get them. We cautiously made our way through the warzone.

You should have seen what the owner of that Hello Kitty doll looked like!

A famous crossword puzzle writer comes to the bar for drinks. Worker #3116 wants everyone to talk about Sudoku puzzles and about how lame crossword puzzles are, but that is too mean. So then Worker #3116 says, "How about this: what's a 4-letter word for get the fuck out of here?" Then Lisazilla and the Chapacabra come. And, of course, you know what happens after food...PINBALL. (He plays for four hours. Worker #3116 is not joking.)

On the way home, the stewardess compliments Worker #3116 on the "douchebag" painting Pirateman gave him. "That's great. I had one of those done." It is the perfect end to a good trip, sitting on a plane, imagining a framed "douchebag" painting in your stewardess's lonely apartment complex.

Basically, this is a post saying that Worker #3116 is back.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank god.
- your best-looking anonymous reader

11:37 AM  
Blogger s. badazz said...

i think her douchebag painting is sitting right next to her sambo doll framed by some christmas lights.

11:42 AM  
Blogger Andrew said...

thank god, finally some pictures I can use on my online sex-chat profile to score chicks. Thanks!

1:06 PM  
Blogger Worker #3116 said...

I'm going to deal with these in order.

1. Prove it.
2. Put some minge around it.
3. "Ladies, I promise to show you a world you could never imagines. I hope you like pinball. Basically, I'm going to go play pinball. But if you want to do it after I'm done playing, and done talking about playing, and done setting up plans for the next day's playing, consider me the Romeo to your Juliette. They should make a Romeo and Juliette pinball game. That would be cool."

1:18 PM  
Anonymous brother #3116 said...

I can't believe you posted that picture of me! When it's something that bad you need to clear that shit with me beforehand. and i was not that drunk.

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'd prove it if i thought that you were capable of handling all this jelly that i have.
- y.b-l.a.r.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Worker #3116 said...

Oh great, just what I need.


2:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

not that kind of jelly.

2:30 PM  
Blogger dorothy said...


4:11 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

Oh, and I will say that even though it isn't mentioned, pinball also costs me a month's rent.

4:22 PM  
Blogger Subject to Change said...

Yeah! You're back! I like the pictures.

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is me! I'm leaving a comment on your blog! How are the numbers!

3:32 PM  

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