Thursday, November 17, 2005

If You Like Balance Bars, You'll Love Detour

I got these new protein bars that say on the package that they contain "designer whey protein" and at first I was like, "sweet, I've got the protein bar equivalent of IAmJamieSabuda's sweet-grass indigo-dye-suffused Japanese denim." I was like "y'all can keep your Designer Imposters protein bars, I've got the real thing." But I quickly realized that eating these was a lot like eating the IAmJamieSabuda sweet-grass indigo-dye-suffused Japanese denim and washing it all down with a hearty slug of Parfums De Coeur. I'm saying they taste like shit, washed down with a hearty slug of Parfums De Coeur.

Do you remember the old Designer Imposters ads they had on TV, where the perfume bottles got out of limousines and bumped back and forth down a red carpet while paparazzi took pictures of them? And they were like "I may smell like Giorgio Armani, but I'm actually Primo! from Parfums de Coeur..." WELL THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON THE RED CARPET? I can dress and smell like whomever I like but that doesn't mean I can just waltz into Bungalow 8 whenever I please. I would have liked to see a bouncer shaped perfume bottle tackle these preening, self-congratulating fake-ass bottles and then some police bottles come and escort them to bottle prison for fraud. They could go before the bottle judge and try to plead their case, but we've got them on tape going "I may smell like Giorgio Armani, but..." so it's not like they didn't know they were LIARS.

My preliminary research does incontrovertibly prove that for whatever they lack in class, Designer Imposters more than make up for in sweet, totally white trash names.

For Him:
Big Attitude
New York Nights
Being Together
Fresh Xtreme
Great Life

For Her:
Fly with Me
Wanna Play

And did you know that Parfums De Coeur also makes Bod body-spray? So, that answers the long-standing question of what the fuck is up with Bod body-spray.


Anonymous becca said...

you make me LOL alot.

5:16 PM  

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