Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Mind-Kissing Is Not Mind-Cheating

I have a feeling you were wondering last week, "Now where the fuck did I put my Real World recap?" IT'S RIGHT HERE, BITCHES. You forgot it in the future.

Last week something amazing happened: I had an actual life, with actual activities, and could not be bothered to sit on my couch watching pointless and depressing MTV drivel. But that was last week. It is time to live in the present, if you can call this living.

So:

Last Week: You know, I haven't really been able to catch up on this episode. It has been on the television while I've been in the presence of the television. I know that. What I don't know is what actually happens. It's just too boring. Basically, do you remember all of that South by Southwest stuff, and how they were supposed to film a documentary about it? They showed a very rough edit of their documentary to some people from the Austin Film Society. Everyone clapped? In writing this I am kind of wishing I had paid more attention if only because I wonder if one of the Tools used the term "rockumentary" to describe their work. Supposedly, if they didn't do a good enough job on this project they wouldn't get to go on their trip. Surprise! They didn't do a good enough job on this project and they STILL get to go on their trip. It is called "editing" and it is "magic."

This Week: Costa Rica. Clown Coffee says that Costa Rica is just a tropical hippie enclave. I don't know. The Real World gets real there. How come on every season of this show they get to do really cool stuff and everyone always complains? Is it because of the people they choose to be on the show, or because the youth of today are sucktards? Example: riding on zip-lines through a beautiful rain forest canopy for free. Result: COMPLAIN. Example: surfing lessons from professional surfers on a beautiful beach for free. Result: COMPLAIN. I will give the Real Worlders something to complain about, and it won't involve extreme sports in pristine natural settings, either. Anyway, all of this is just a prelude to the best part of the show in a long time. At dinner some of these short-bus-riders decide that Brick Brain looks like Prince Harry, and so they go to SeƱor Frog's and try to pretend that he is. This is very lame. Two weeks ago I went to a St. Vincent De Paul store with Weather Report and Stevil. There were all of these 'capital D' Dudes in there looking for Halloween costumes. One of them put on a plastic construction helmet and an orange safety vest and was like, "Hey, Dudes, I can be the Village People," and then started hopping up and down on his toes, I guess the way he imagined the Village People to hop? Anyway, this Prince Harry thing was lamer than that. But then Eye-Face and Fuck Head are talking about this ruse and Fuck Head admits that Prince William is moderately attractive. The air chills by at least ten degrees. Eye-Face then proceeds to grill Fuck Head on Prince William with that insanely insecure line of questioning usually reserved for inebriated high school girls. "SO YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT IF I NEVER EXISTED, AND PRINCE WILLIAM WAS IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW, AND HE LIKED YOU, AND HE HAPPENED TO HAVE ALL OF THE SAME INTERESTS AS YOU, AND AFTER AWHILE YOU GOT TO TALKING, AND HE BOUGHT YOU A NICE DINNER, AND HE WAS KIND TO YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY, THAT YOU WOULD THINK ABOUT KISSING HIM GOODNIGHT ON THE CHEEK? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? AND YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME? WE ARE THROUGH! THIS IS OVER!" So Eye-Face breaks up with Fuck Head over...PRINCE WILLIAM. I am all like, "now this is getting REAL!" The next day Eye-Face says that he doesn't remember breaking up with Fuck Head and then he says that he doesn't know how to apologize because what he did was so stupid. It would appear that his best guess at how to apologize is to sulk in a chair and then go walking on the beach by himself. It is a winning technique. You guys in relationships should fuck up and try it. Anyway, I don't really remember what happens at the end of the episode because I didn't care, but I think they Kyak their way back home to Texas. Next week the show promises to be less scenic but no less boring.

Yipee-kai-yay motherfuckers. Yipee-kai-yay.

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