Thursday, November 03, 2005

Trapt 6-8

Those with VH1 were obviously watching last night when R. Kelly, the pied-piper-pedophile of R&B, unveiled the videos for "Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 6,7, and 8 of 12". Two words for you:


I can't find the lyrics online, so I'm just going to do my best to summarize the plot for you here. (First, catch up on chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4. Then catch up on chapter 5 on your own because you are an adult and I never wrote about chapter 5.)

Chapter Six: At the end of Chapter Five, R.Kelly had just found out that his wife was cheating on him with the policeman that pulled him over in Chapter Four. So, he does what any man with a concealed weapon license would do: he sits on the floor and giggles. His wife joins him. It's a gigglefest. For some reason, the cop decides that he needs to come back to R. Kelly's house. He finds the door broken into, and pulls out his gun. Then he gets to giggleroom 2005, and aims the gun at R. Kelly. He says that he is going to shoot R. Kelly. R. Kelly says he is going to shoot the cop. The cop says "Don't shoot me." R. Kelly puts his gun down and wrestles the cop, then the gun goes off. I remember the lyrics for this part: "POW...pow...pow..."

Chapter Seven: There is blood everywhere. And crying. Blood and crying everywhere. The policeman says that it is R. Kelly's fault that there is blood everywhere. R. Kelly says that it is his wife's fault for having sex with the policeman. This is the most logical argument, because most guns are actually discharged by the evil power of infidelity. But whose blood is it? It is Twon's blood. Twon is R. Kelly's brother-in-law, and he has just gotten out of prison. Well, he should have stayed in prison, because he wouldn't have gotten shot in prison. Unless he was trying to escape. He might have gotten shivv'ed, too, but that's different than shot because it happens with a toothbrush that has been wrapped in stolen saran-wrap and then melted and filed down into a makeshift blade. No bullets involved. This also explains why the door in Chapter Six had been taken off its hinges, thus stirring the policeman's suspicions: Twon broke into his sister's house because THUG LIFE. So everyone is like "Oh no, Twon is dead." But surprise, Twon is not dead! In fact, he's not even hurt. He bandages his arm in the bathroom and laughs and says "I wish I was still in prison." Then there is a knock on the door, and everyone does the natural thing in response: they pull out their guns. Apparently, Twon stopped at the gun store on his way from prison to R. Kelly's house. Who could be at the door? Probably a dangerous criminal. Everyone has their guns. The tension is so high. But it is the nosy neighbor, who happens to be wearing a bathrobe and a showercap. She is also holding a spatula. This Chapter ends with the stirring lyrics "spatula...holding a spatula...she is sooooo noooooossyyyyyyyy."

Chapter Eight: Twon, R. Kelly, and R. Kelly's wife laugh with the nosy neighbor. There is a lot of laughing in this house. It is a house of laughter. Everyone has the same question on their minds: what did that silly nosy neighbor think she was going to do with that spatula? Everyone agrees that a spatula is a highly ineffective weapon. Meanwhile, the police officer has driven away. He gets a call from his fat, ugly, white wife, who has a really shitty southern accent that sounds a lot like R. Kelly doing a weird shitty southern accent in falsetto. She tells him he should come home because she has made him a cherry pie. He is like, "Bitch, I am all on that pie!" and he speeds home. The APB has gone out, All Pie Bulletin. The cop comes home, but his fat ugly wife is acting strange. She is like "It is that time of the month." He is like "I am going to heat up this chicken." He puts a box of KFC into a pot on the stove. She is like, "I bought you some pears." He is like, "Where is my pie?" She is like, "It is not ready." He is like, "You are acting strange." And that is when we discover that a man who looks suspiciously like R. Kelly is hiding in the pantry closet. That's right: MORE CLOSETS. The circular magic of this dramatic mini-series proves that R. Kelly is the MC Escher of song.


Anonymous brother #3116 said...

from now on, whenever I try to explain why someone broke the law for no apparent reason, I'm just going to say, "because THUG LIFE."

1:44 PM  
Blogger Worker #3116 said...


as long as that "someone" is black.

1:45 PM  
Blogger A Mandolin said...

haahaah. I just watched the video for Chapter 7, and OMG....I'm actually writing about it now...R. Kelly is the biggest effing oh man, words cannot even describe...

12:03 AM  

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