Tuesday, November 01, 2005

What Is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me.

Last night I'm sitting in my room, known as "The Max" for all of the food, fun, and magic that happens inside, when I see a LADYBUG buzzing around the overhead light. I'm like wha?! I go back to reading The Year Everyone Died by Joan Didion, and the noise gets louder because there are now TWO ladybugs. And then three. Then a giant black fly lands on my bedside lamp. What the fuck? So my room is now a malaria infested jungle, I guess, which means only ugly girls will come over.

Then this morning I am informed that they are going to destroy my sidewalk and my driveway, I guess because it is stupid. How am I informed? By them destroying my sidewalk and driveway. Seconds after I pulled my car into the street they took a bulldozer to my life. They're like "We cannot stand by this sidewalk. DETONATE!" Personally, I prefer at least 12 hours notice before you start tearing up my world. 12 hours! That's it! And then I start driving to work and a hubcap falls off.

Ladies, if you would like to come over for pleasure, I will pick you up in a car that looks like I stole it from a homeless person, we will park on the street, avoid the ankle-breaking chunks of concrete, and head upstairs, where you can sing sweet songs to God's littlest annoying creatures. Then I kiss you with my mouth.


Anonymous jason Jones said...

Don't pretty girls love janky guys anyway? I thought that's how heterosexuals did things. The stupid way.

10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This makes me feel like my mom is watching the latest Madonna video.

11:11 AM  
Anonymous swimmingliar said...

let me just say that tonight i was supposed to go see joan didion speak and then i remembered that i hated ladybugs!

i don't know what this all means, but I do not understand why THE TICKETS ARE SOLD OUT AND MY FRIEND IS TAKING A DATE INSTEAD OF ME.

7:58 PM  
Blogger Worker #3116 said...

Nothing gets you laid faster than taking a pretty girl to go see an octogenarian talk about how she has nothing left to live for.


8:04 PM  

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