Friday, December 16, 2005

The Blind Leading the Blind (Where Here "Blind" Means Either "Handless" or "Faceless")

(USA Today)

"Hello? Yes, you don't know me. But I am just like you. Well, not just like you. See, I lost my hands. You had your face chewed off by a dog. Still very similar, no? Small world! HA HA HA! Oh, careful of laughing with your face. Sorry. Anyway, I wanted to come and offer you encouragement to...have...okay, I should have maybe written something down before I came. But it's not as bad as you might think! Look at my hands! They almost look like regular hands except for the greenish fold of skin at the wrists where they were grafted on. But look, I hide it with a watch, and with French cuffs! Right. Face. Well, you mask...but you look beautiful! Yes, that's what I wanted to say, that you are beautiful. And okay, yes, your body is trying to reject your face and you have to take drugs for the rest of your life to try and keep your body from destroying your face. know...I have to take them to, for my hands, and now I can shave again! That is how I have this strong, virile moustache! I am a complete man, just like you will become a complete woman. Other things I can do with my hands: drive, answer the phone, hold the hands of my children. I have five children, how many do you have? Oh. I see. Is there a reason you never had any children? But it doesn't matter, does it? It's not like you need your face to hold someone's hand or shave your legs. Imagine how hard it was for me! And itchy! You got lucky! HA HA HA. Anyway, I just thought it was really important in this difficult time for someone like me, an absolute stranger with a mildly related freak deformity, to come forward and say GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR CRAZY NEW FACE.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

some days i really have a hard time HANDling your posts. Let's FACE it, you are just a meany!

3:29 PM  

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