Monday, December 05, 2005

The First Rule of Handcuffs Club is You Talk About Handcuffs Club

Just because I don't write in my diary on the weekend doesn't mean that I'm not working hard on it. Every event is scoured for potential, and then there's the added bonus of I have to remember that shit two days later. Luckily, the most frequently pondered question of "Would sitting on the couch with nothing to do make a hilarious entry?" is both easily answered, and easily drawn to recall later.

Anyway, watching the intellectual poverty that is War of the Worlds on Friday seemed like a prime subject for diarying. There were just so many awful things about that movie, I figured "Hey, Monday morning, BOOM! instant diary entry!" But for as much adventure and excitement as Mr. Spielberg tried to pack into WotW, it still did not have the visceral rush and diary-ready material of being IN A FIGHT AND GETTING HANDCUFFED BY THE POLICE.

I don't remember a lot of it, just the part where we left the party and the drunk guy came off of his porch and yelled at me for scraping ice off my car, and then me telling him that we were leaving and wouldn't be making any more noise, and him saying never to come back, and McCullen saying that we would come back tomorrow, and him punching McCullen in the eye, and then me pinning him against a car, and then pinning him against the ground, and then pinning him against the car again, and then THROWING him on the ground, and then him punching me in my face right when the cops arrived. Then it was SUPERHANDCUFFSTIME! It all got sorted out, I guess, and neither McCullen nor I decided to press charges. But here are my two favorite things that the cops said in the aftermath:

"Do you want us to tell this guy he is an asshole?"

and the best:

"Your wish is our command."

But more importantly, LINDSAY LOHAN AND 50 CENT!!!? This is even worser and grosser than that whole Bruce Willis fiasco!!!! Although now that I think of it, I guess 50 Cent kind of is the black Bruce Willis?!!?!?!?!?!

3 Comments:

Anonymous lazerwolf said...

It was only a matter of time before that black belt turned you into an uncontrollable killing machine.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Worker #3116 said...

I think you meant to say, "It was only a matter of time before that brown belt with two white stripes turned you into an uncontrollable pinning machine."

10:34 AM  
Blogger Disco:Very said...

If I recall, pinning your opponent three times in a wrestling match makes you the winner. Also, I hope you rubbed your wrists when the handcuffs were taken off (they were taken off eventually, right?) because that's what handcuffed people do on TV and movies and I like it when we all base our actions and reactions on plots we see on TV and movies.

10:43 AM  

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