Thursday, December 01, 2005

Free Nick, Mumia, and Jessica!

Special Features Include: Easter Eggs

It has been one week now since Us Weekly reported the break-up between Nick and Jessica, and I've been getting a lot of emails from people wondering when I was going to address this important issue. Let this post be your answer!

What the media need to understand, and also you, is that divorce is a very painful and difficult thing, for anyone. You don't have to be famous and have your solitary, personal pain blasted across the front page of every gossip rag in town to know what it feels like. All you have to do is get married and fuck it up. And let me tell you another thing: releasing a co-signed letter to the world's major media outlets announcing your amicable severance is not the only way to go about divorcing! You can also decide to get divorced in a Mexican restaurant while your pre-pubescent son is with you. Is he crying? SHUT HIM UP! This is adult business. That's one of the few saving graces of the Nick and Jessica fiasco: no kids. If I can borrow a theme from that great burning sage, Bob Marley: No Kids, No Crybabies. I can't tell you how many perfectly reasonable divorces I've seen get all muddied up just because some brat can keep his nose out of other people's business. And I can't tell you how many delicious Mexican feasts have been ruined by your kids' immaturity.

Anyway, perhaps the best thing for us all to do is NOT speculate about who cheated on whom, and whose divorce lawyer is going to be able to keep whose divorce lawyer from using the lack of a pre-nup to their client's advantage. And while it was originally Nick and Jessica's mutual choice to take their private lives into the public sphere, that doesn't mean that we cannot rise above our own puerile instincts and avoid making their private pain into a public farce. Did we learn nothing from the tragic events of 9/11 about what truly matters?

EVERYTHING I JUST SAID IS BULLSHIT. YOU GUYS SHOULD BE FUCKING MAKING AWESOME JOKES ABOUT THIS! HA HA HA! NICK AND JESSICA ARE ROMANTIC FAILURES AND THEIR TELEVISED ROMANCE WAS A COVER-UP FOR THE CORRUPT NARCISSIM OF THEIR OWN VAPID SELF-INVOLVEMENT. HA HA HA! BUT KEEP IT ON THE HUSH HUSH BECAUSE GIRL IS SINGLE SO I CAN'T BE POKING FUN! SHHHH!

And Jessica, call me! I don't care that you dumb as hell.

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