Monday, December 05, 2005

R.I.P. Dakota Joel Osment

Seriously, though, War of the Worlds? Talk about a punch in the eye!

I liked the part when SPOILERS ALERT the surly My Chemical Romance teenager decided that he wanted to battle the aliens for the love of country, because, you know, all it takes is a global crisis to spur those lazybones into black-eyelinered action. I also liked how the aliens were a vastly superior race but their robots still needed halogen lamps to see their way in the dark with what McCullen referred to as their "ten megapixel eyes." I also liked the part in my imagination when Dakota Fanning got what she deserved and was sucked into an alien uterus out of that cookie cage and turned into blood fertilizer for the alien fields. Dakota Fanning: the female equivalent of Haley Joel Osment. I liked the part when Haley Joel Osment happened to be in that same cookie cage and was also sucked into the alien uterus out of that cookie cage and turned into blood fertilizer for the alien fields. But my absolute favorite part of the whole movie was when the aliens got a cold and died because there's nothing like a biological deus ex machina to get a writer's lazy ass out of narrative trouble. I've never actually read the H.G. Wells original, but if that was how he ended it then there are over a hundred years of "what the fuck?"s coming his way.* Oh, and a special message to Morgan Freeman: you can stop narrating everything now.

* I just looked it up. That's EXACTLY how Wells ended the original. May the WTFs BEGIN!

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