Tuesday, December 06, 2005

The War on Christmas: Operation Kill the Kranks

Ads Portray Nominee as Protector of Christmas
(New York Times)

I'm very excited about the War on Christmas. It got off to a pretty good start last year, which is why you haven't really heard much about the holiday yet. Usually after Thanksgiving you hear a lot about Christmas, but not since me and the rest of the Jews started waging our successful war against it. And you know what? This year Christmas is going down.

While I'm certainly not offended by the Christmasification of, say, Hot Topic, I don't really understand the need to have a giant creche in front of the courthouse. Is that the cradle of the holiday spirit? You're like, "Boy, it sucks that I got that DUI, but look! The manger!" And while the whole War on Christmas is obviously a craven political tactic dreamt up by an amoral group of EXTREME LEFT WING LIBERALS to make the conservative base look bad, my real problem with it is that it just makes me wish there really was a War on Christmas. Like a war War. Like Iraq. I wish there was an anti-Christmas Abu Ghraib.

I like this part of the article:

"'Liberal groups like People for the American Way and the A.C.L.U. have opposed public Christmas and Hanukkah displays and even fought to keep Christmas carols out of school,' declares a radio commercial paid for by the conservative Committee for Justice beginning Monday in Colorado, Wisconsin and West Virginia, states whose senators are considered pivotal votes on Judge Alito."

Right. Everyone's going to be real upset if they don't get to see some crooked menorah in the corner of some building. That's another thing: I HATE the shabby attempts at equalizing holiday recognition. Like some kunta cloth tapestry for a doormat and a dreidel hanging from a string. What is that? All the Jews are like, "Oh, man, finally the Jews is equal! L'chaim!" That's like when your mom made you invite that smelly fat kid to your birthday party. Was the fact that everyone ignored him except to call him Pig Fart really less upsetting than if he just hadn't gotten the invitation he didn't expect to get anyway?

Here is my other favorite part from the article:

"Some of the groups supporting Judge Alito are also turning up the heat on retailers. In a shift from previous years, the American Family Association, one of the groups, is organizing phone and e-mail campaigns against several retail chains for omitting explicit references to Christmas from their store displays or holiday fliers. The group has specifically urged a boycott of Target stores, accusing them of repeatedly using the word 'holiday' instead."

This is funny in the way Freedom Fries was funny, but I also like it because these people are buying their Christmas gifts at Target so I guess God already fucked them by making them poor.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gee, I consider myself pretty well off because I can avoid the Wal-Mart parking lot -- and the sad people packing it -- and buy my Jump and Shout Elmo at Target for 70 cents more... Am I poor and I just don't know it?

12:04 PM  
Blogger Worker #3116 said...

If you're counting in denominations of cents then yeah, you're poor.

12:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That would explain the holes in most of my socks.

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahah. 'cents' i think I remember that. my keyboard doesn't even have a cents button!!!

if you are doing your own shopping you are poor, you poor fucking poor poerson! HAHAHAHA

2:12 PM  
Anonymous Ali G said...

HA! It IS as funny as the Freedom Fries!

It cracks me up when my fellow Christians think Christmas in America is 'endangered'. Don't they understand it's the only universal holiday that everyone is forced to 'observe' and certainly no one can ignore.

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm dying about the Target Shopping and Poverty line. So true.

God, I love poor Christians... Where's your Jesus now, Poory? Oh, sure, you're poor and happy, and have Jesus... But I'm rich and happy and don't! HAH!

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

did someone piss in Bill O'Reilly's cornflakes this Christmas? (or Jesusmas, to go with Colbert.. "because if Jesus cared about anything, it was semantics") must admit, the whole "War on Christmas" drama is very amusing.

I'm Canadian (no ive never seen a dog sled in my entire. fucking.life.and no i dont live in a damn igloo. if you thought that, then you're just retarded ) and we don't have anything so formalized as a media blitz about secularization of Christmas, but there has been a move to coining the term 'festive bush' instead of christmas tree, apparently.... humorous, but not the same.

3:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bah humbug! anonymously ascribed by an anonymous sort

8:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think what O'Reilly actually said was, "because if Jesus cared about anything, its was SEMITICS." See, Bill is just reaching out...

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no man, steven colbert said that in 'the word' last week, not o'reilly.

nice spin though!

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Angela said...

I have an idea. How about these Christians, who are spending so much time fighting a war that doesn't exist, instead act Christ-like and fight, oh I don't know, poverty or illiteracy instead. This is asinine. Jesus was born in April.

5:42 PM  
Anonymous D.H. Swinehart said...

The kids used to call ME "Pig Fart", but I wasn't fat.....smelly, maybe....come to think of it, I didn't get invited to many parties....at least not until i started dealing.

7:19 PM  

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