Wednesday, December 28, 2005

What I Got I Got to Give It to Anthony Kiedis's Cousin

When I was younger I saw an MTV interview with Anthony Kiedis where he talked about how he loved taking risks, but that he was also a very sexual being*, and that if you asked him whether he'd rather jump out of an airplane or make out with his girlfriend on the couch he would have a very difficult time answering.

For some reason this has stayed with me, I guess because it is still fun, all these years later, to try and imagine someone saying "Well, let me ask you this: would you rather jump out of an airplane or make out with your girlfriend on the couch?" What kind of question is that? And how are those two even comparable? And why can't you do both? What, is your girlfriend going to dump you if you jump out of the plane? Your girlfriend is jealous of jumping? And why the specificity of the couch? You don't like to make out anywhere else? O' Anthony Kiedis, a man of mystery, whose every phrase raises many more questions than it answers.

Then, when I was fifteen, I was in Arizona and I tried to make out with a girl who claimed to be Anthony Kiedis's cousin. We got under a blanket on a couch, but I could not seal that deal. There was no Arizonafornication for me. But now that I think about it she was probably lying and wasn't even his cousin. She had a liar's eyes. Still, were you to ask me, back then or now, whether I would rather jump out of a plane or make out with Anthony Kiedis's 15 year-old cousin, I would not have Kiedis's difficulty in answering. Hello, couch, I hope you are ready for some abuse.

*I HATE the expression "sexual being" and anyone who uses it. What is wrong with you people (I'm talking to you, John Travolta)? It's very "the lady doth protest too much, methinks," with an undercurrent of an asshole who refers to themselves in the third person. To borrow a phrase, fuck it don't say it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I had a nickel for every guy I ever knew who had some wild summer when he was 15 at lake havasu trying to make out with some girl who claimed to be the cousin of some asshole on mtv, well, I wouldn't be wasting my time writing in this blog thats for sure.

dude, you've been had. seriously.

4:38 PM  
Blogger the Alpha John said...

That's rough dude. Did you at least get some stink finger?

5:17 PM  

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