Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Flavor of Love

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Everything in Its Place

Monday, January 09, 2006

I Am Going to Jail

Gay Mountain

Friday, January 06, 2006

Pepperz: Open for (Legal) Business!

Jack Abramoff's outfit this, Jack Abramoff's outfit that.

But what will happen to Signatures?

What Is the Deal, Ugandan Families?


Analysis here.

A Three Act "Play" About Little Black Tank and the Stretching Machine

Act 1: There is a man at your gym who is built like a tank. Like a little black tank. When your gym was closed and you had to go to the gross musclehead gym that smelled like pit, he was there. You always notice him, not just because he is a Little Black Tank, but also because he seems to be a personal trainer for halfway house residents. Every time you see him he is working out with a different fat man. All of the fat men smell like cigarette smoke, and you swear the Mexican one he works out with sometimes is drunk. None of them appear employed or employable.

Act 2: read Act 2 here!

Buy More Worker #3116

What would really get 2006 off to a good start?

A Worker #3116 jingle!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Calling All You

Hi Princess,

Have you seen my new diary yet?

That's what I thought.

If You Need Immediate Assistance...

Date: Jan 5, 2006 11:03 AM
Subject: I Am Bored

and depressed.
Please advise.

You are looking at this email and you are thinking "This is a stupid post. It is derivative and uninteresting and this diary in general is stupid, and Worker #3116 is stupid, and I always knew that and I am angry because 2006 sucks." I will not argue with you on any of these points. But here is the part that freaks me out: this email was not bounced back.

Are you logged-in God? It's me, Worker #3116, and you are creeping me the fuck out.

Remember that part in Bruce Almighty when Jim Carey is God instead of Morgan Freeman and then he logs into God's email because apparently in heaven all of your prayers are transferred into an html-ready rich-text email document?

Remember that part where I just admitted to having seen Bruce Almighty?

In Like a Pedro the Lion, Out Like a Band No One Ever Cared About


HAHA. This is very reminiscent of the time that China Jet and I saw a listing in the paper for a Ray Bradbury book signing and were both surprised to learn that HE WASN'T ALREADY DEAD!

If a band splits up and nobody cares, were they ever together to begin with?

I'm sure that TW Walsh and David Bazan will both land safely on their feet writing the musical score for some Mel Gibson proselytizing Virgin Mary movie filmed in an archaic Hebraic dialect that even Jesus would have found hard to understand. Or they'll form Creed cover bands. Or they'll just keep doing what they've been doing: sucking.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Pump Up the New Diary

It is day two at the NEW DIARY and things are going pretty well. We are slowly debugging it and soon it will have very few bugs. Little ones that don't scare anyone where you talk to it like "hello, little bug, want to go outside?" but for computers.

Anyway, you guys need to start acting right and changing up your links and bookmarks and getting this going. What do you think this is? Some kind of joke? This is not any kind of joke. LINK IT UP.

Here is just another reason why the new diary is going to be so great! You need quicktime to understand this reason.


One of the biggest problems so far with the new diary is that I haven't figured out how to transfer all the old archived stuff from blogger. So that got me thinking about those apocryphal stories you hear of writers who burn the only copy of their treasured manuscript to try and get a fresh start. So I imagined pouring a stiff drink and throwing my computer onto a fire. But then I realized it would have to be my work computer. And I think I'd get in trouble for drinking on the job.

Boss: What the f?
Worker #3116: CLEAN SLATE!
Boss: How will you do your work?
Boss: Put out that fire!
Worker #3116: Why? Are you afraid of what the burning may reveal?
Boss: What are you talking about?
Worker #3116: THE TRUTH!
Boss: You're fired.
Worker #3116: YOU'RE FIRED!

Hopefully I'll be able to get those archives up here soon.

Hot This

(Washington Post)

Leaving aside for the moment the baseline utter ridiculousness of Hot Lists and the usage of Hot Lists to find the pulse of popular culture (whose heart, as of the last time we checked, was beating steadily to a diwali rhythm, or "riddim"), it is a very bad omen for the rest of 2006 if you are getting your style tips from the Washington Post. No offense, Froomkin. If you are using the Washington Post as your arbiter of cutting-edge trends-to-watch you're probably still into M.I.A. and Paper Denim! HAHAHAHAHA.

Read the rest of this entry...

New Year's Reznorlutions

Even if, like me, you think that New Year's resolutions are a lot of garbage cooked up by fitness clubs and self-help book publishers to squeeze the entire year's profitability into their Q1 financial reports, it's hard not to spend the first week of January thinking about the next 12 months. Have your priorities changed? What kind of actionable goals do you hope to achieve? Where do you see yourself next year at this time?

Then, on January 7th, you get a myspace friend request from this girl, and you think "Huh, maybe I do need to move down to Tampa Bay and unleash the bloodthirsty black demon of my soul unto the plane of mortals."

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Gucci Lip Gloss/Louis Vuitton/And the Boots from Batego Vanetto Cost a Arm

Top ten brands:

1. Mercedes-Benz
2. Nike
3. Cadillac
4. Bentley
5. Rolls-Royce
6. Hennessy
7. Chevrolet
8. Louis Vuitton/Cristal (tie)
10. AK-47

I was very glad this morning to find this list of 2005's top 10 name-dropped products in songs that hit the Billboard Top 20. You can learn a lot from a list like this, too, like that there aren't a lot of references to, say, Brawny brand paper-towels. Just like there aren't a lot of white people on the Billboard Top 20.

I am sorry to see Cadillac drop to number 3 (from a former status as number 1), especially because Nike? Kind of boring, rap. At least be specific, like "Nike Lime-Green Aquasocks" or something. Yes, in 2006 I would like to see "Nike Lime-Green Aquasocks" receive their proper status on this list.

The list also fails to take into account the prominence of generic brand luxury items, like gators and fo-fo's. Surely companies like CVS and Target can explain to you the highly-enticing economics of generic brand items.

Beretta fans will be happy to know that their handgun of choice has made it onto the extended list at #13, but before you get too excited Beretta Heads (that's what cutting edge market researchers call you), I'd like you to remember that Berettas are featured rather prominently in the R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet" Hip Hopera, and the brand could dramatically lose popularity as early as next year (Need I remind you what happened to Courvoisier after "Pass the Courvoisier" dropped from heavy rotation?)

All in all, though, it was a perfectly good year for product name-dropping. But you know what, rappers? You have a responsibility as role models to your primarily youthful audience. In 2006, let's see a few socially responsible brands make it up there. I'm not saying total overhaul of the tried-and-true favorites, but token gestures in popular culture can often have beneficial effects that far outweigh the time or effort put into making them. So, let's see Trojan brand spermicidal-lubricant condoms in the top 3, and Fair Trade coffee beans somewhere in there?

Word to your mom.

Don't Cry for Yulia, Ukraine

I don't know about you guys, since you're clearly not into girls, but when I saw this on the New York Times website I was like, "Why is she now leading a fight to bring that government down? WHO CARES? Do you have more pictures of this revolutionary FOX?"

The answer is mostly no.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Is it just me, or does it seem like it's been the holidays since, like, August? I can't even remember my life before the holidays or the anticipation of approaching holidays. It's going to take some serious readjustment. I've got the equivalent of the bends, but for holidays. Which explains all the puke and exploded joints.

Sean Lennon Update: Still Trimless in 2006

ALL you lonely hearts club members out there can stop asking us how to get in touch with Sean Lennon. Ever since PAGE SIX ran an item last week in which Lennon half-seriously complained he needs a girlfriend, we've been inundated with e-mails and phone calls from women desperate to date the singer/songwriter son of John Lennon. But while Sean tells us he's very flattered, he says it's unlikely he'll be answering any of the dozens of e-mails we have forwarded to him. Sorry, ladies!
(New York Post)

What a tease. This is confusing to me, though. Why would you publicly humiliate yourself on Page Six and then turn down all the free trim? At least get the free trim. In fact, that is my New Year's resolution: get the free trim.

We Are Going to Burn This Year to the Fucking Ground